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Junk Food and Vodka
Last night I finished my 12 hour work day with junk food and VODKA. The pressure is starting to get to me and I feel myself turning inside out again. I do not know how to do this. I don’t know to be all the things I am expected to be without losing myself in the middle of it. There is no OFF switch and LIFE just keeps coming at me……… All I really want is for it to STOP. LEAVE ME ALONE!!! GO AWAY……………
and then….. I am sitting here, ALONE, wanting my phone to ring, terrified that it will. I feel guilty that I need to sleep. There is too much to do and I am BEHIND. It is like trying to run a race that you have already lost. I need to win this race; I am not the only one I am running for. TICK TICK TICK.
I write it all down in lists, the things I need to accomplish, the things I need to DO. I open the list just long enough to add to it, but I never go back to actually SEE everything that I have written. I don’t need to see it, I can FEEL IT. I am sick from it. I have sat here in this computer chair for almost 6 years trying to make that feeling go away, trying to make that list smaller, trying to keep people………….. HAPPY.
Are they Happy??? Did I make them HAPPY???
When the STRESS starts to consume me I tell myself that I can only do my best, that there are only so many hours in the day. I try to forgive myself for always coming up short. TRY is the optimal word. LIFE IS HARD, YOU BE HARDER. I TRY HARDER……….. I DO. I start sleeping 4 hours instead of 6, and every now and then, I try to fool my body into thinking I am still young, and I don’t need sleep at all. I make my deadlines or if I fall short…. it’s not by much. They smile when they leave. ARE THEY HAPPY??
It’s funny, THAT, is the question I ask myself, instead of, WAS IT WORTH IT? I hadn’t even thought of it until now……… IS it worth it? I don’t really know, to be honest with you. I know that there is a price to be paid for everything and the price I am paying for this business is too high. It is killing me. I am Amy Whinehouse. I can’t stop taking more business, I need it to LIVE, just as sure as she needed her next fix. I need it for the LOVE of creation and the HURT of starvation. I ALSO NEED IT TO BE DIFFERENT. I believe that it can be.
I do not need to let my art, or my business consume me. Ricardo pointed out that Amy Whinehouse didn’t likely die SAD. He imagines that she died HAPPY, on too much of what she loves. I know that kind of LOVE. I have that kind of LOVE. It is easy to read this blog and jump to the conclusion that I am simply depressed. I don’t care what label you need to give me, because if I am not depressed, I should be. THIS SHIT SUCKS!!! I have more work than I can get to and I had to BORROW MONEY for medicine and gas two months ago. There is something WRONG with that. The price is too HIGH. If I am giving everything I have to something and I can’t even swing money for gas. THIS NEEDS TO BE DIFFERENT. There is no guarantee that it will be.
I CAN BE DIFFERENT…………and so begins the test. I have fallen into the same pattern year after year trying to make this business into what I wanted and needed it to be. I worked HARDER, investing every waking hour I had to build a better life for my family. I was making it happen too, I brought in close to $200,000 in revenue my best year. Now I am borrowing money for gas and I have one pair of pants because I can’t afford to buy more. Yes, I should be depressed, but………… I DON’T HAVE TIME because I am Amy Whinehouse. I keep doing what I LOVE until I can’t do anymore, and I am strangled by the clock, as it TICKS.
This time will be different, I will make time for the gym, I will make time for me, I will get caught up, I will make them HAPPY!!!!!!! That is what I thought LAST NIGHT as I stuffed my face with junk food, and let the numb of the vodka slowly untie the knots that had been twisting my gutt. THIS was a place I had been before.
Could I be different?
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134.0 lb
Lost so far: 47.5 lb.
Still to go: 19.0 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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losing 1.8 lb a week
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