redwinelover's Journal, 12 March 2011

RWL, if I can ask you one favor it would be this, please be easy on yourself:) You are doing the best that you know how under the circumstances and events in your life. Yes, you know how to feel better but sometimes we choose the other feelings not because we are bad but because we are learning about ourself, the self we truly want to be. It has been wonderful seeing you here more often lately as we truly appreciate YOU and your input but understand the issues of time, priorities etc. (Deep Breath)... put your arms straight out in front of you...cross them... and wrap them around your back....Please accept that big hug from me to you and let's get Happy!!!!! TOWANDA!!!!!!! 

RWL the following is from one of my recent journals, I hope it helps..with love Lisa:) Daily Om~ When we choose that which is not best for us, there can be a deep seated part of us that does not want to change. In almost every case, we know what is best for us in our lives, from the relationships we create to the food we eat. Still, somewhat mysteriously, it is often difficult to make the right choices for ourselves. We find ourselves hanging out with someone who leaves us feeling drained or choosing to eat fast food over a salad. We go through phases where we stop doing yoga or taking vitamins, even though we feel so much better when we do. Often we have no idea why we continue to make the choice, but it is important that we inquire into ourselves to find out. When we choose that which is not best for us, the truth can be that there is a deep seated part of us that does not want to heal. We may say it’s because we don’t have the time or the energy or the resources, but the real truth is that when we don’t take care of ourselves we are falling prey to self-sabotage. Self-sabotage happens unconsciously, which is why it’s so difficult to see that we are doing it. When we recognize that we are not making healthy choices, we might even say out loud, “I am not taking care of myself.” Sometimes this is the jolt we need to wake up to what is actually happening. keep a journal, or have a discussion with a trusted friend to explore the matter more thoroughly. Just shining the light of our awareness on the source of our resistance is sometimes enough to dispel its power. Stay focused and determined about what you want and make the change. TOWANDA!!!!!!!  

RWL, I am so glad to see you here. I was beginning to think you had run away from home!!! I am so sorry that you are struggling so much with this right now. Would going to a gym to exercise help, do you think. Maybe just for a month to get you back in the habit of exercise. I really wish that I had an answer for you, and beleive me I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL...I have been there so many times that I cannot even begin to tell you! If it will help, you can pm me anytime. I am here for you and always will be. I am also going to send you my email addy and then you can contact me that way also. I love you my friend and my heart hurts for you right now, as I know how scary that feeling is....the feeling that you are spinning out of control. Love ya, D and remember, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! Yes you are, and always will be! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3 

Redwinelover I think most of us get into a runt and if you go see my journals for February and first week of March especially my weight going up its to some degree an awkward position for me to be... for first time in about five years I started to slowly self destruct... Yes even having maintained my weight loss sometimes I feel like trash and loathing over some deep thoughts on where I am in my life and now with dad being sick its a bit more challenging. Pigging out every 3rd or 4th day in February brought me happiness for real, did wonders for gaining muscle but it made another area in my life seem somewhat self sabotaging. I feel ok eating three pbj sandwiches, couple hand fulls of nuts and a bunch of figs... no guilt what so ever but I wonder why I have not gained more then the 3-5lbs after the initial creatine use? Lisa posted a video about Abraham Hicks and if we relaxed and felt positive even eating junk that initially because we feel ok about it that our energy works with us and not against us. Its extremely important to relax and enjoy this journey and lifestyle because if you don't and take out all the frustration out on just because your lack of progress it will eventually tear you up inside and self destruction begins in a few ways.... You over exercise, you diet to extreme and you self inflict pain onto yourself that can manifest into other negative emotions and habits. For as long as I can remember to relax and yet stay focused on what I want was not easy to do but once I embraced my own ability to self center myself in what I wanted to manifest I stopped focusing on what I could not control and focused on what I could control like how much I exercised, how well I ate, having some fun time to just EAT junk once in a while and to not feel guilty. When things got tough during my losing I would plan trips to movie theatre and see it as a mental vacation.... Good movie, hot dog, nachos and then DQ on way home then spending time with friends drinking and eating while watching hockey. For past few years of my journey I have cycled the way I eat and not to sound like I have lost my new habits and went back to old but the entire month of February felt so awesome to just not think about weight, fat or food choices I ate a lot of food when I wanted and kind of felt sick a few times but this was very good medicine for me and whenever I go on that cycle my body mellows down and my mental focus refocuses... Eventually without any resistance the over eating ends I am right back where I want to be! Hope this helps. Stop being so hard on yourself buddy we love you here! 

NELSON IS INCORRECT!!! Most of us get into a rut... not a runt lmao...just teasing... "Do one thing everyday that makes you happy" TOWANDA!!! 

I have always wondered if it was runt or rut oh well... I learn something new every day thanks to my best buddy Lisa!!! 

sometimes I grunt when I am in a rut. Okay, I must be bored out of my friggen mind... RWL are you feeling better yet? Love ya.. TOWANDA!!!! 

Lisa you got a fever? LOL Body Pump fever? Want more tomorrow? I bet you do hehehe. :) once bitten by fever you always got it... grunt and rut do rythme though hehehe 

Good morning rwl! Thanks for sharing your thoughts & feelings so honestly. All of us can relate to what you wrote here, I believe. To me, there's no quick fix on those feelings.. I'd just push myself go to gym daily. I'd still eat what's appealing to me includes unhealthy snacks. When I do exercise consistently I eventually eat with better choice of food and that's better than I force myself stop eating this and that. But that's just what I did to myself and I don't know if it would be the best way for you. One thing is so true though. You are so beautiful right now. You need to believe what's true and refuse any lies whispering to your ear. You're beautiful, rwl. Have a peace filled Sunday!:) 

Hi ya, Bren here. You can sooo do this. Stop telling your self that your not worth it all. Cause you are. Hang in there buddy....  

RWL, I read your pm, and I will send you an answer. Just haven't been around much today! Love ya, my dear friend! 

Apparently I'm late stopping by here. :) Hmmm, what to say that hasn't already been said. I will instead offer a hug, a pat on the back, and a reminder that you are beautiful, wonderful, inside and out. Even if you don't journal here, maybe it wouldn't hurt writing it down on paper. Get it out, because holding it all in doesn't get you anywhere. We're all here for you BSWWTALIATPP. :) Sending love your way! 

:) Hope all is well RWL xoxox, TOWANDA!!!