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Feeling much better. Not motivated, or positive, or highly confident, but better. I'll take that. I worked out a bit yesterday - not much more than half an hour. Worked out the day before and did about an hour's worth. Getting ready to go workout today.
I'm tired of this feeling of being totally out of control. I hate the fact that I was THERE... I was at the weight and size I wanted to be. I looked... GOOD. And now? Now I seem hellbent on sabotaging myself. Why? I really don't know. I know that my "issue" isn't food (thanks Klannoye :) I've got an eating problem because of other issues I'm not dealing with. So what are those issues? I STILL DON'T KNOW. I can't point to one tragedy, one event that was life-altering, or even a series of events like physical or mental abuse. None of those. I've always suffered from a lack of self-esteem. I KNOW I have this running dialoge in my head. And yet, I honestly do not know WHY. But this has to be self-sabotage... why else would I lose ALL motivation? Why else would I allow myself to gain 10 pounds?? I mean, that's 20% of the weight that I lost! This is insane. I have all the tools, I know what works, I have the support both here and at home... I'm stumped. Seriously. So the question is... WHY don't I feel worthy? WHY don't I feel I deserve to look good? I was THERE, dammit! I could look in the mirror and LIKE what I saw. I could put on any of my fitting clothes and feel GOOD about how I looked. I could catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and not automatically turn away. Sometimes even give myself the once over and feel GOOD. And it was an AWESOME feeling. No food is worth giving that up for - none. So why???
And so today is yet another day and I'm going to try to record everything I eat today and as I said, I'm going to go work out in a few minutes. And then try to journal more often. I'm just so frustrated and it's totally with myself. And out of patience with myself. I have NO problems that aren't minor... I have so much to be thankful for... I have a great life. And so I lose patience.
later... I did a good workout - nearly an hour and 20 min. I did the Jari Love dvd again - a lot of old fashioned step aerobics, but seems to use the concept of maximum intensity intervals with short periods of lesser intensity exercise.
Diet Calendar Entries for 24 February 2011:
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1887 kcal
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Fat: 34.80g | Prot: 71.28g | Carb: 214.27g.
Breakfast: Blueberries, English Walnuts, green tea, greek style yogurt, organic flax pumpkin granola, Sugar Free French Vanilla Coffee Creamer. Lunch: Sugar Free Chocolate Pudding Snack, kirkland signature ham lunchmeat. Dinner: multi grain sandwich thin, Dory's spaghetti sauce, whole wheat spaghetti, cabernet sauvignon. Snacks/Other: milk 1% lowfat, No Sugar Added Hot Chocolate with Calcium, Sugar Free Chocolate Pudding Snack, laughing cow, pink lady apple, kellogg's fiber plus antioxidants chocolate peanut butter, Almonds. more...
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2112 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Housework - 2 hours and 16 minutes, Calisthenics (heavy, e.g. pushups) - 1 hour and 19 minutes, Resting - 12 hours and 25 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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 Comments
RWL, all of us have that internal dialogue. You may never figure out why you feel that way...I have issues that I still need to come to terms with but I am working through them. Will I suddenly become thin after I do? I doubt it, it will still take a lot of work, effort, and constant self control, but eventually I will make it to where I want to be, and then I can worry about maintaining. I suspect that maintaining at my goal weight will be much harder than maintaining at the weight I'm at now. That's okay though because we are a constant work in progress, one that will never end until we are no longer breathing. By that time, we will be as far along on that pathway as we are going to get, and then it won't matter anymore! LOL Funny, we spend so much time trying to reach what our minds see as perfect, but truthfully, in the eyes of those that really love us we already are! Maybe we should learn to love ourselves the way they do. And as Carol reminds us so often, be kind to ourselves. We are right where God wants us to be, right at this moment in time, and by always looking toward tomorrow, we are wasting today. Love ya, D. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!! Your inner beauty shines all the time, and it is what attracts people to you, like butterflies to milkweed! HUGS <<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>> <3<3<3
24 Feb 11 by member: ctlss
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Well Ctlss pretty much just said everything I was thinking. You have to LOVE YOURSELF to change forever. Before, I had a million excuses to not workout. I was too busy, too tired, too fat, too everything. I FINALLY, FINALLY said to myself if you want to be different you have to think different. You have to be different. You have to make that choice every day when you wake up to love yourself. Bad day, good day, love yourself. It is easy to be loved. It is easy to give love. It's not always easy to love yourself. That is the biggest change you're going to have to do. We love you...love yourself. You're beautiful RWL...You are.
24 Feb 11 by member: Junebug7210
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Hi rwl! Thanks for your visit and kind words! Your words have power to uplift people, you know! Glad you chose to do your exercise. It always feels so wonderful after we're done. Good to sweat a little. I didn't sweat any today but I'm definitely going to tomorrow morning. So glad to be on this journey with you.. Thank you for being my friend. Enjoy your evening!
24 Feb 11 by member: happynow
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Remember it is a feeling. Feel better energy and feelings soon RWL...With love Lisa. TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!
24 Feb 11 by member: Lisa Online
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