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It's my first journal entry, and I'm already frustrated with myself. Got up this morning determined to do well today, since my husband will be home in only two short days. But when I went in the kitchen, I discovered that we were out of our breakfast stores (eggs, milk, fruit) but we had an abundance of leftovers that were going to go bad, like the spaghetti sauce I made from scratch in the crockpot almost a week ago, and the stew I made just as long ago. I thought about heading to McDonald's for breakfast, but I decided against it to save money. And hey, spaghetti is basically tons of vegetables and wheat pasta, so it must be better for me.
But now, as I add up my intake of food for the morning, I realize I really should have just eaten a piece of toast and called it a morning. Because the spaghetti lead to cheese, which lead to garlic toast, which led to me making a glass of strawberry milk to share with my daughter. And instead of feeling full and satisfied, I just feel sick.
I know that I should really get out and take a walk today. I should really do a lot of things today. But again, he'll be home in two days from his deployment, and I am desperate to get this house spotless before he gets here. And in order to do that, I pretty much have to do nothing but clean for the next few days.
If I'm being honest with myself, I spent the first portion of his deployment soothing myself with food, despite my determination previously to use his absence to stop eating altogether and exercise like a nut so he came home to a hot wife. And the second half of his deployment? I've used smoking heavily as a way to stop myself from eating everything in sight, and I often skip dinner at night in favor of drinking alcohol.
I know these aren't exactly healthy behaviors or choices. I know I need to get out and move, I need to get my daughter some fresh air and exercise, I need to not be depressed and self medicate with either food or smokes or booze. I'm trying, which is why I guess I'm here. Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't. Maybe I'll connect with some new friends, maybe no one will read this.
All I know is that I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of hating myself, I'm sick of hating my life and being unhappy. I'm sick of not trusting my husband's motives and honesty when he tells me he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman alive. I want to believe him again, but more than that, I want to feel that way again.
Here's to hope.
Diet Calendar Entry for 08 October 2008:
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1178 kcal
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Fat: 39.00g | Prot: 57.45g | Carb: 150.00g.
Breakfast: strawberry drink syrup, butter, italian white bread, whole milk, romano cheese, Spaghetti sauce with ground sausage and whole wheat noodles. Dinner: Shrimp, Fajita Kit. more...
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