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Managed to finally get out doors and exercise and wow, I missed walking/slow jogging. Badly.
Just got back and wow, I really have to admit that it does wonders for me not only physically but more importantly mentally. The last few weeks have been tough, due to stress, the current events where I live, friend drama and the like. Somehow on a good trail this all kind of melts away and revelations just come to me.
For starters, sometimes people will only ever see you as you were, not what you are are what you're trying to be. One of the people I was dealing with told me that in her mind, I'm 27. She still thinks of me as 27 as that's what I turned a little bit after I met her.
I was a very different person at 27, I was cutting myself, still battling bulimia and often suicidal. At 27, I didn't think it odd to have "no food Fridays" and remember telling these people about how I couldn't eat that day. I had to often be talked down from ending my life and liked to screw around with pills and booze.
I owe a lot to everyone who saw me through that period of my life but the problem is that so many of them now, still think I AM that. Which is why the bitchy email I got a few weeks back about how I'm this self-centered suicidal bitch hurt so much. I mean, no, I didn't expect better from the person who sent it but those who've been at my side over the last three years KNOW (at least on some level) that I've changed.
Unfortunately, they want to see me as I was. I'm sure they have their own motivations. But the truth, my truth that can't be changed no matter HOW other people see me, is that I'm not that person anymore. I'm not the sick girl that was overwhelmed by everything and used to have to hide in the dark because she couldn't face the world or the pain.
You can't change how people see you in life. If your older relatives still see you as a kid, there's very little you can do to NOT be a kid in their minds. Until the day my grandmother died, she thought of me as a four year old. There's nothing I could do to change that.
The only thing you can do is decide for you if how they see you is okay with you or not. It was okay for me to have my grandmother see me as a four year old (most of the time). It's not okay for me to have friends see me as destructive mess when I no longer am.
I'm expecting to see a number under 240 some day in the coming week. I haven't had time for a morning weigh in the last few mornings, but since my last weigh in was during TOM there's probably 1 lb drop from water at least. I also have a strong suspicion I've lost some more inches (not going to measure right now) as I had to make another tighter notch on the belt I was wearing and realized I can not wear size 20 jeans anymore. Even heavily belted today like they were they looked pleated. Tried on my old size 17s which haven't fit me in like oh at least a year and a half and they're snug but wearable. I think I might also be able to wear a pair of pants from NY & Company in public in about a week or so.
I'm starting to get back in the range where I'm "comfortable" around 225 (or more like 220 - 240) is a pretty consistent range for me as an adult. Barring stress eating binges or crazy diets its where I've typically fallen as an adult. On one hand that takes the pressure off because I don't have the "OMG, I need to lose this weight NOW!" panic that I did back in July at 272 when nothing fit me and I felt huge so I doubt I'd stress over the fluctuations as much. On the other, I'm worried I might get complacent and stop even trying. I haven't worked out much in the last two weeks (mostly due to time) but I don't want to get complacent and end up back where I started, you know?
Affirmations for today:
1) Never let anyone else contradict your personal truth
2) It's okay to be emotional over things that are sad/tragic
3) Spend more time with the people who see you for what you are and what you're trying to be, and less with those who can only see you as you were.
Diet Calendar Entries for 01 October 2010:
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1506 kcal
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Fat: 25.27g | Prot: 85.63g | Carb: 241.42g.
Breakfast: Cream (Half & Half), Greek Style Nonfat Yogurt - Blueberry, Milk (Nonfat), No Calorie Sweetener Packets, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Bagel Thins - Everything, Cheese Wedges. Lunch: Deli Sliced Oven Roasted Turkey Breast, Soft Taco Fat Free Tortillas, Bottled Water, Apples, Light String Cheese, Rold Gold Honey Wheat Braided Twists Pretzels. Dinner: light string cheese, green pepper, zucchini, salsa, rice, boneless skinless chicken breast. Snacks/Other: apple, Water, Pomegrante Fruit Bar, TLC Tasty Little Cereal Bars - Blackberry Graham, Bottled Water. more...
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3896 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Walk/Slow Jog - 49 minutes, Housework - 1 hour, Driving - 15 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 3 hours and 16 minutes, Calisthenics (light, e.g. home exercise) - 10 minutes, Sitting - 30 minutes, Desk Work - 10 hours. more...
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