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Weight History
showing entries 1 to 5 of 9
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16 September 2012
Quote:
Nobody can save you but
Yourself
And you’re worth saving.
It’s a war not easily won
But if anything is worth winning then
This is it.
-Charles Bukowski
Photography from treatment
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15 September 2012
60 dulcolax within one week is not a good sign.
I'm starting university on Monday and I really really hope that being out of the house will help me get things straight(er) on the path to recovery. I'm really struggling, and I won't lie. Everyone thinks I'm okay again and that's better for them and for me as it's given me head space to sort things out for myself. But I know I need some support, and it's the type of support you don't get from your family and friends. What I mean by that is psychotherapy. Somehow I've always found it easier to bond with a therapist- a stranger- and be honest about my struggle. Perhaps that's because I know what I do won't affect them personally.
So, what I really wanted to say is that I'm planning to get in touch with the counseling service at uni as soon as I can, and start going to ED support groups as well. And nobody needs to know about it this time.
Things are not as easy as they might seem :(
(1 comment)
14 September 2012
Yesterday was pretty much a disaster, both on the food front, sleeping and the laxative abuse. 3 hours of sleep, 12 dulcolax with no effect. I feel so sick this morning. I guess I have to leave yesterday in the past and concentrate on doing well TODAY. I will not binge/purge, I promise myself!
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13 September 2012
Perhaps I'm fooling myself with recovery. I mean. I've eaten every day this week so far, which is a success! I've had carbs, even though I've been ashamed to log my foods(still trying to get over the shame of eating), and I didn't throw up. Which is also a success.
But I'm compensating in a different way. Laxatives. Too many laxatives. Meaning I'm still purging. I guess I've got to take it one step at a time, but I'm starting to wonder whether it would be better for me if I fasted and restricted more and completely gave up purging (both vomiting and laxative abuse), rather than eating a little more than usual and still purging.
I don't know. I'm trying so hard. I can't cope with my recovery weight gain and this is what's driving me crazy. And I can't cope with the feeling of food inside of me.
And truthfully, the only reason I'm eating is because my mom's home and not working for a few days, and she's basically emotionally pressuring me to eat. And I want to keep her happy regardless of how I'm feeling. hate it.
(3 comments)
10 September 2012
Ok scrap that thought I am incredibly triggered right now.
(1 comment)
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