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Weight History
showing entries 31 to 35 of 475
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22 February 2015
It feels like happy endings aren't for people like me, instead being locked away from society is what I should expect. Unfortunately I am a dreamer and I keep hoping for a happy ending anyway.
(1 comment)
21 January 2015
Finally worked up the nerve to see where I stand in the weight department. It was a little less than I anticipated actually. Not sure what else to say as this whole mess leaves me feeling overwhelmed. I know how to make it to my fitness goals in terms of reasonable/ healthful eating habits, I just do not know how to make ME do those steps.
Weigh-in:
162.5 lb
lost so far:
9.5 lb
still to go:
32.5 lb
Diet followed poorly
(3 comments)
gaining 1.1 lb a week
06 January 2015
I started slipping into a depression recently and anxiety has been a big problem. Here is a poem that I started today to vent. I may refine it later because I don't like the second half as much as the first, but for now it is what it is.
* * *
There’s no bogeyman in the kitchen
there are no goblins beneath the stairs
there’s no monster hiding under the kitchen sink looking to catch me unawares
but I wake up in the morning
the alarm rings and I want to hide
the monsters aren’t out there,
no instead they’re trapped inside
a sense of danger on the fringes
I search the room but find no foe
yet the darkness from the other room seems to haunt me and bids me not to go
don’t try and face the day
you’ll only trip and stumble more, so why face it anyway?
this is where I’m stuck
and the prison seems so gray
hope appears a scary thing in contrast with today
complacency at least promises familiarity and reason
it is hard to press on, believing that this is just a passing season
I am not where I want to be
but I don’t know how to get there
it seems so far from where I am
(7 comments)
05 December 2014
It has been incredibly frustrating that seemingly no matter how much I try to lower the bar I set for myself, I still fail to meet it. I haven't been successful yet in charting ALL my food. Invariably I get discouraged when I see how greatly I underestimated something I ate or I will lose track of how much of something I am eating. I am being deliberately mindful now to describe my setbacks not as failures but it largely feels like I an deluding myself and that I may not be able to break free from this cycle. I want to say I can't do it because I am scared it is true and I am tired of making the same bad choices and falling into the same destructive patterns. I don't know if I have the energy to try and part of me is afraid to look and be proven inadequate. It is entirely irrational, I realize, because I assume more responsibility by not doing everything in my power, though I really, REALLY struggle with the idea of not being in control because I am afraid of ending up in a painful situation I cannot escape...like my childhood all over again. Surviving that once was hard, what if I am not strong enough to do it twice?
Honesty sometimes feels like my only virtue, but right now it leaves me feeling ashamed because I see myself so much with the 'shoulds and should nots" and I can't stop myself from doing it. I feel like my faith must be the size of a quark because I keep getting stuck here and I feel guilty for it.
Weigh-in:
155.0 lb
lost so far:
17.0 lb
still to go:
25.0 lb
Diet followed poorly
(6 comments)
losing 1.8 lb a week
04 December 2014
So yesterday I lost track of things in the evening and developed a bad attitude that invited further bad choices. This morning I had thought I was doing well with portions (though I didn't exactly measure my cereal which was a poor choice), and then I found out my granola was REALLY high calorie. I mean it shouldn't be a surprise because it is not a low cal food, but I use a lot more oil than sugar and didn't account for how it is like 1 Tb with each serving, so one serving of the granola is about 1/3 of my FS RDI. O_0 Trying to focus on honest, accurate food recording for now. Trying to do more than that trips me up, it seems.
(13 comments)
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