orange478's Journal, 09 January 2011

I hate this! I want to eat potato chips and pizza and burgers, not salads and fruit and lean sandwiches! But I'm so fat! I need to find some motivation. I'm so lazy. My day generally goes like this:
6:30 alarm #1 goes off - get out of bed and turn alarm off - get back into bed
7:00 alarm #2 goes off - on a good day I'll actually get up - but seldom - I usually hit snooze for 15-30 minutes
7:15-7:30 get out of bed & head to the shower
7:30-8 personal hygiene & dressing
8-8:15 go downstairs - if Joey hasn't left I let the dogs out and then back in, if he's already left the dogs are already outside - get in truck & go to work
8:00-8:30 drive to work
8:30-5 sit on my butt in front of a computer (slight saving grace is that I work on the 2nd floor and always take the stairs)
5-5:30 drive home
5:30-6:15 play with dogs, settle into home
6:15-7 talk to Joey, discuss dinner, check email & Facebook
7-7:30 eat dinner - generally something I can make within 30 minutes
7:30-10:30 watch tv/play video games/work on computer
10:30-11:30 settle in bed (sex if I get lucky)
11:30-6:30 sleep (get up to pee at least once)

Yep - there's my typical day - looks fairly pathetic from this viewpoint. But there are many blessings in there too. I have a job (a good one), I have a home (a comfortable one), I have a husband (a wonderful one who likes to have sex with me)...it's the 3 hr block of tv or computer each night that needs to go. The 4 times a day I have to climb the stairs at work certainly aren't enough to counteract that laziness. During the week it isn't so bad. I can stick to the diet and am fairly distracted enough not to think about all the things I crave and can't have. But the weekends, when I have endless hours to do whatever I want - that's when I just want to sit in front of the tv with a bunch of movies and eat pizza and chips & dip to my heart's content in between folding laundry (my weekly Sunday ritual). So today I am doing laundry, listening to the Avett Brothers and blogging about it. No more activity but at least the chips & pizza are nowhere to be seen. But they sound so gooooood. I've eaten a pear today - 125 calories and it's 3:30 in the afternoon. We don't have anything I want (score 1 for my sanity in the grocery store this week) and I don't want to go get fast food (I've actually gotten to where I don't like it but don't think for one minute that I wouldn't eat some White Castle if you put it in front of me!). I don't want this to be a battle. I want to think rationally about food - in fact I don't want to think about it at all. I want to be one of those people who actually think about something other than food all the time. How do I become one of those people? How can I look at a piece of fried chicken and not think about how good it tastes and how good eating it makes me feel? And the mashed potatoes and gravy and buttery biscuits...all of it. How do I change my brain? When I got married I was on a popsicle diet - not recommended but I got down to 180 lbs - which on my 5'5" frame was not thin by any means - but it is the smallest I've been in my adult life. I felt sexy and pretty. Now, at almost an additional 100 lbs I feel like a blob. No longer sexy or pretty. I thought about food the whole time during that period in my life too, but love was so new and exciting in my life at that time that it was easier to ignore the cravings and look towards the prize of being a pretty bride. Now, nearing 10 years later, I'm still in love but I've lost any kind of motivation. That's not quite true, I just don't make it as high a priority as I used to. Maybe, I don't know. How do I get back on track? What can I put my time and energy into to take my mind off of food? What works for other people? How do they change their brain? Ugh - I hope this gets easier. Please God, let it get easier.

262.8 lb Lost so far: 6.6 lb.    Still to go: 102.8 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

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1837 kcal

Fat: 73.71g | Prot: 65.45g | Carb: 252.23g.   Breakfast: pear. Lunch: Deli Quality Hearty Thick-sliced Oven Roasted Chicken Breast, Light Butter with Canola Oil, American Singles, Healthy Goodness Fiber For Life Light Potato Bread. Dinner: vitamin water zero orange, Brooklyn Style Veggie Pizza w/ extra cheese. Snacks/Other: Fit & Active Cheddar Cheese Rice Snacks, 7UP, Chocolate Squares, 100% Fruit Strips - Strawberry, Light Butter Popcorn. more...

3304 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Sitting - 8 hours, Resting - 8 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...