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Beware: DEEP emotional ranting with one's self to follow.
I could feel it this morning. Swollen and sore, I knew my weight had went back up. I was shocked, not really, that I was at my original high weight. The past 3 evening have been celebrations, reunions and holiday parties. I have drank at each and eaten high-sodium. high-fat and highly processed foods at each.
I have been numbly walking through a forest of denial. Unconsciously avoiding any opening in the wall of leaves that hint at a source of light, a change, an answer or an escape. I had feelings of anger as a child that were suppressed by an overbearing mother. And now, as an adult, I have feelings of anger that I push down into myself because I don't know how to deal with them. Therefore, I am harming myself by 'eating' these emotions and in turn, that is what I do when I am emotional, I eat...and eat...and eat till the pain from an abundance of food surpasses the pain within me that I don't want to deal with, because I've never known how.
Sometimes the pain I push around, it goes away, but I still feel it deep inside-never really going away. So it builds with each instance of avoidance, growing all the time-feeding on the few smiles I display, in what feels like, fleeting moments of happiness. The pain in conquering all other emotions and will take over what little bit of my true self is left. I don't want to live in pain and anger-though I feel it flowing freely throughout my body.
Do I go back to those childhood moments and relive them, thinking of solutions that would have let the anger go at that point in time? Can I even imagine what those solutions would be? I'm an adult and I can't figure out how to fix what is wrong now.
I am suddenly very off track from what this journal should be for, I guess-I don't know. If it helps me to work through my food issues, maybe it's ok to put these thought here. I have to get this out of my head somewhere so I can make room for a more constructive way of life and a better me.
I feel so tired all the time. I am exhausted right now and I really haven't done anything today. I want...I NEED a break from my life. I have to get a new perspective on what I'm doing and how to change it for me to be the person I want to be. Hell, first I need to know who I want to be. Maybe knowing who I don't want to be is the first step.
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240.0 lb
Lost so far: 0 lb.
Still to go: 100.0 lb.
Diet followed poorly.
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gaining 4.4 lb a week
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