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I am overweight. BMI 27.2. That’s overweight, but no one actually calls me fat now besides myself. The only people who ever called me fat were my ex boyfriend, my mother, and another friend of mine that I don’t talk to very much anymore. It was a lot like this. I was essentially the same size, and even though my fiance’ tells me that I’m beautiful, my friends say that I’m pretty, and even my mother says I’m skinny now, I cannot believe it.
I walk in the mall/public with shorts on. I’m comfortable enough to WEAR shorts and dresses outside, but I’m still a little nervous about people looking at me. The thing is, I’m the same size that I was before! I haven’t lost any weight since then, and so I do not believe it when people tell me ‘oh, you’re not fat, you’re quite lovely in fact.’ Well, I guess that isn’t fair, since I started dieting again(start: june 27) I’ve lost 8 pounds.
Anyway, the point is, for long period of my life I had people I cared about telling me that I was a fucking porker. That I didn’t know how to buy clothes my size. That when I walk I look like a penguin. That I should order a fucking salad, or just not eat. All of these things they said to me ages ago have stuck with me even though the actual people are essentially gone.
My thighs touch when I walk. My stomach isn’t flat, and even though I’m happy in my current stage in life, I’m not happy with how I look. I wonder though, will I ever be happy with how I look? I’m afraid that even if I lose the 40 pounds that I want to lose I still won’t be happy with my body, and it won’t be because of my actual physical appearance, but because those hateful words will not have gone away by that time.
Sometimes I constantly find myself jiggling my fat, looking at my problem areas, thinking about how much I hate them. I talk about food, dieting, exercise and weightloss all the time. I’m obsessed.
When will I recover, not from my extra weight, but from the mental anguish that I allowed myself to be put through? This is the scariest part of dieting for me, because it has forced me to go to extreme measures in the past to lose weight (fasting, purging, extreme crash dieting). Will I ever be happy, and why do the words from so long ago still haunt me today?
I want to love the way I look. :\
Diet Calendar Entry for 21 July 2011:
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872 kcal
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Fat: 25.72g | Prot: 79.83g | Carb: 81.14g.
Breakfast: yogoot Mango Frozen yogurt, meijer chicken. Lunch: kiwi, french onion soup. more...
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