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It's a foggy morning here on my little mountain. Looks like something out of some kind of movie ... rather dreary but it IS Saturday and I'm always happy not to need to drive anywhere and have the day at home.
It seems like it was a LONG week. I only worked 4 days but it still felt LONG to me. I can hardly believe we are nearing the end of January already. My how time flies.
A thought occurred to me this week in regards to losing a partner. I had this moment when I suddenly realized that regardless of how long DH and I had together there would likely be a part of me that felt like it wasn't long enough. 5 years? 10 years? 25 years? 30 years? 45 years? At what point would I feel like I had enough of my time with him? Maybe it would be easier if we were both elderly ... closer to the time when we both felt like we were "done" but even then ... wouldn't I still miss him? It reminded me, once again, how important it is to be "present" in these moments rather than fixated on the past or alternately fretting about the future. I wish I could tell you once you have an "aha" moment then you simply move on without the struggle but of course that isn't true. Life is indeed process not product and with every turn in the road I seem to revisit similar themes.
WOE is going well. Loss of pounds is slower than I'd like (but of course I'd like to just wake up and be 179 lbs!!! magically!!!). I keep telling myself the speed at which I shed pounds isn't nearly as important as my ability to maintain the losses and weight my body is most comfortable at. I have lost weight SO MANY TIMES!!!! And obviously, I have not kept it off or I wouldn't be writing this right now. This is a WOE NOT a diet. As a WOE I really like it so far. Oh my goodness, potatoes? gravy? rice? beans? bread? and of course veggies and fruit. But low fat ... and stay away from refined substances and no dairy, no meat. Funny I don't really miss the meat and I'm not doing this as a statement about animal cruelty or anything of the sort. And gravies are different ... not using eggs and milk is different. I do miss cheese. I LOVE cheese. But the gravies I'm making are honestly very delicious. I've been having fun trying new recipes. Did a Sloppy "Joe" Lentil dish this week. Made vegan French Toast which was more delicious than I anticipated ... used Cashew Milk I made myself!!!
So if it takes me a year or more to get to my goal weight ... but in 10 years I am still near my goal weight then I ought to be doing a happy dance, right? This weight thing is something else. I dont' completely understand why I use it as a battering ram against myself. I don't really understand why it is so danged important to me. Why I stress about it so much. Why I let it impact the way I feel about myself. Is that culture? What the heck is that?!?!?
I've been really having a time of it lately ... feeling "less than." More lately than I can recall in a long time. Nearing 57 I find myself feeling like I'm a failure, I haven't really done anything important, no grandchildren (well I do have one, she's 11 years old but we haven't seen her or had any contact with her since she was 4 years old ... a sad, sad story). Somehow I conveniently throw out all the positive things I know I have done through the years. I forget the number of individuals who have told me how much my work with them meant to them. I set aside the things my husband tells me, the things my mother tells me, the things others who are close to me share with me. It is NOT the way to go. I know that but as "smart" as I am I find myself struggling to remember to be kind to myself, to practice acceptance, to practice being mindful and in this moment.
Again ... therapist or not I don't get it. I imagine stress has something to do with it. So under stress those OLD coping mechanisms ... the things that got hard wired in my brain growing up (many of them rather dysfunctional ... imagine that!) get triggered. The newer coping skills don't have the strong neural pathways ... or not as strong as those older ones. Yes ... that is it. Now I remember. That's why I feel so young, so ineffectual, so unworthy, not good enough ... this is familiar ... this was a part of my childhood and young adulthood. Yuck!!!
Holy Smokes peeps!!! I didn't mean to go on and on so long!!! I definitely process through my fingers on the keyboard. I miss this. I used to do this a lot in my early days on FatSecret ... just never quite enough time lately ... or I do other things with my time other than journal. Anyway ... for anyone who has managed to make it to the end of this diatribe thank you so much for listening!!!
Kindness. Practice kindness to myself. I'm fairly good at kindness to others but that too in a work in process. Acceptance. Be in this moment. Remember and set your mind on what you HAVE not on what you think you do not have. Love him. Treasure the moments and pull yourself back into NOW rather than the would've, could've, should've mentality or the what if and when of tomorrow.
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