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So, today is a new day. It has taken me several months to get to this point of acceptance and willingness to do something with myself.
I have a 12 year old son and a 10 year old daughter....and just had a new baby in September. I did not gain weight during my pregnancy- but I have suddenly ballooned. I am sad with this. I have found myself tired all of the time, sleeping all day/all night and not eating healthy. After having my precious baby and having to return to work after only 2 weeks, I have struggled with myself. I have struggled with stress. I work such long hours and usually in an office or in meetings.
Last week I vowed to do better- I started by walking to one of my meetings. Living in Oregon, that means half of the walk was uphill and I realized just how much my body needed it.
I then began finding reasons to go for a walk- even if just once a week.
I run a group home for individuals with disabilities. I have found the paperwork to be the most boring and the most time consuming. I usually have to put on some music and force myself to focus- otherwise I am waiting until the last moment.
WHen I started this job- I never was trained. I was promoted and kind of just left to learn it.. a year and a half ago.
I have managed to survive this long but I am feeling burnt out. I have had to fire all of my staff for not working, I have had to retrain each person and none of them seem to care about their job. Last night for example, I got a phone call because our diabetic was given tons of "crap" food and her blood sugar was 500. DUH!
When I have asked for help, I am told it is coming- but when the day arrives that it is to be there, the person coming to help never shows. I am finding that I am in the back burner because I do not complain often. Last week was about my breaking point- staff didn't show for their shift, another staff was out at meetings and didn't return on time. I was stuck doing everything on my own..and had to call for help. WHen I did, it was like I was talked down to for asking because I was supposed to have enough staff at the house.
When I approached the lady that was supposed to come in to help me, she acted like it was no big deal and another house needed the help more than I did.
WHen others called from the office to complain about my work- I lost it. I went in my office and sat and cried for hours.
I have found that to console myself, I eat. My husband doesn't listen, my baby doesn't know me, and I am tired all of the time...so I eat. I eat for energy, I eat for sadness and I am eating out of frusteration. I don't eat a ton...I just eat what is easy and convienent. I also don't feel full for a long time. Its like an emptiness in me I keep trying to fill. I am so sad, so frusterated, so fat and ugly.
Every time I am home, my husband wants to be RIGHT next to me. This only bothers me because he doesn't listen when I talk and tells me there is nothing he can do about it so he doesn't listen. When I want to go for a walk, he wants to be right there- which means I need to take baby out into the rain and cold.
He calls me constantly just to tell me what he is doing at that moment, even if it is breathing!
My daughter cries when I hold her. She doesn't know me. WHen I try to hold her, my husband gets in my space and pokes at her- gets in her face and wont let me just hold her. When she is sleeping, he is poking at her, talking to her and moving her around.
When shopping, my husband takes the cart with the baby in it, and runs off, wont walk with me or anything. When I mention I haven't seen her for a few days due to work, he doesn't listen. He just keeps going.
I have talked to him about my emotions and he says, "oh yeah." and then changes the subject to how I sleep all of the time.
I am so sad! Nothing in my life is going well and I can't catch a break unless I sit all by myself and eat where nobody can see me....
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