Reina Estrella's Journal, 24 February 2009

Ugh. I'm upset.


Last night, my man's cousin came over. She used to live with us, but spent a few years in jail. She used to be really big.

The first thing outta her mouth was "damn girl, I lost all my weight and you put all of yours on."

She said it like 5 times in the 10 minutes she was there.

I don't know why a comment like that from a crackhead nonetheless, upset me so badly.

I was feeling really good about myself until then. I'm constantly struggling because when I was smaller, I really considered myself to be beautiful. Now, I'm starting to get that confidence back...
and then something like that happens.

I don't need to be reminded that I "fell off". I know I'm not as pretty as I used to be because of my weight. But damn. Do people really have to be so damn rude? I'm doing what I can to lose this weight, not only for superficial reasons, but for my health.

I don't know why that bothered me so much.

I am now living a healthy lifestyle. I am learning how to eat right without excluding any food groups. I am becoming more and more active. I feel pretty damn good about taking care of myself.

Last night, I chose to eat some chocolate chip cookies. I made a conscious decision though, and didn't eat the whole package like I normally would have. That in itself is a minor victory. Even when I was thinner, I'd have "pig out" moments. But no more. That in itself shows that I am changing...that my philosophy towards food is changing. That I am getting the upper hand in controlling what I eat and why I eat it.

I REFUSE TO LET ANYONE MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY WEIGHT WHEN I'M DOING ALL THAT I CAN TO GET IT OFF. I'M LOSING THIS WEIGHT FOR ME, NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE AND ANYONE THAT CAN NOT BE SENSITIVE OR RESPECTFUL TO ME ISN'T WORTH LISTENING TO ANY DAMN WAY.