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Day 5 - I've discovered that pretzels are a god-sent food. There are times that what is planned for dinner doesn't fill me up. I've eaten all day....little at a time. SO sharing a pizza with my sweetie (frozen and doctored up of course) jus doesn't do the trick. Especially if you are catching up on the 4 seasons of Breaking Bad. SO I was munching on pretzels through the episodes.
I don't like the feeling of being hungry. I think it comes from childhood. I think that its a sign for me that i'm being neglicied. Maybe? Something like that? That if I get to the point where I am feeling actual hunger, I panic that I will be ignored? Left behind? Not loved? Maybe all three? I'm not sure to be totally honest.
I think it comes from my 7ish year....when life changed for me. I don't remember my father participating in our lives much. He was just a guy that showed up on the weekends. And when he was there, it was very tense. I was never "Daddy's Girl". I think he really wanted a boy. And so when my brother was born....he bragged and bragged about having a son. It was like being forgotten.
I started to do things to make sure that someone was watching. What a way for a 7 year old to grow up. I would make mud pies on the back porch...which of course was a total mess. My dad screamed and yelled like the world was coming to the end. But he had to pay attention. Over the years, I would do stupid stuff....just to see how far I could go. Nothing serious dangerous or life threatening.....just naughty. And I MADE him pay attention. I think its the reason that he doesn't like dealng with me now.
But now, I can't deal with him. Since my mother passed away, he is very demanding and wants someone to fill the void. I can't be that person. Call it pay back. Call it Karma. But my way of dealing with myself and life started long ago. So did my eating habits. Hiding my junk food. Sneeking cookies, donuts, ice cream....did it all so that my mother couldn't see that I was filling the emotional hole.
Later on in the day,
My sweetie and I have a fabulous day. We zoomed all over and spent a little money. And we even went to Taco Bell for lunch. Not the best choice I will admit for eating lunch, but I didn't do to bad today. I thought it was going to be another blowout...like the potato chip day. But it was okay. I would have liked my count to be under 2000, but under 2660 I will take when push comes to shove.
Got to see my skinny little sister-in-law....who doesn't weight 100 pounds socking wet. I don't think that she eats at all. I think that she just lives on tea. She was talking about running 5 K runs. <sigh> LIke I could EVER run in a 5K. It would be a miracle if that ever happened. But at least that "family" business is over.
My sweetie never pushese me either way. I'm hoping to push her into going for a walk once in a while. We will see :)
Diet Calendar Entry for 19 January 2013:
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2635 kcal
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Fat: 93.14g | Prot: 99.76g | Carb: 347.89g.
Breakfast: coffee, ham, shredded cheese, fried eggs, tortilla. Lunch: fruit punch - taco bell, nachos - taco bell, black bean burrito - taco bell, 5 layer beef burrito - taco bell. Dinner: ragu mushroom pasta sauce, ground beef, angel hair spaghetti. Snacks/Other: iced cafe mocha - starbucks. more...
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