Miss_Elise's Journal, 04 January 2013

Yesterday was a nightmare. It was a perfect storm of depression, OCD, and PMS. I've fallen into a depression since Christmas (not sure why), and I've been having intense food cravings. I just start thinking about sugar and can't stop. Yesterday I was determined not to give in, but the longer I resisted, the worse the cravings became. I'm talking about intrusive thoughts that wouldn't stop. By about ten last night, I was having a full-blown panic attack. I took some medication, but that didn't help much. I was paralyzed. Finally my boyfriend suggested that we go to the store and buy what I was craving, and then I got completely hysterical. I couldn't bear the thought of giving in, and I couldn't think about anything except sweets.

"This is not normal," my boyfriend said. "Something is seriously wrong here."

Finally, I got so worked up that I started thinking about suicide. I felt like I would be a thoroughly bad person if I gave in, that it would mean I was weak and pathetic. But the thoughts were so loud that I couldn't focus on anything else. I kept thinking, This is absurd. It's just food. I didn't eat sugar for seven straight weeks before Christmas.

My boyfriend convinced me to go to the store with him. I was so frightened of the bakery section that I couldn't walk through it. He picked everything out and then when we got in the car he handed me a doughnut and told me to eat it. Five minutes after I did, I realized that my thoughts had wandered to some gossip I'd seen on a magazine cover in the store. For the first time in six hours, I'd thought about something other than food. Today I feel tired and have a bit of a headache, but I'm not thinking much about food (except that I'm waiting for my empty stomach pills to dissolve so I can have my protein shake and a cup of coffee).

So, what on earth is going on here? I know that the comorbidity rate between OCD and eating disorders is huge. But this isn't a pattern with me. I'm really terrified of it happening again. I don't want to eat sugar anymore, and I don't want to spend my time obsessing about what I can't have. And why did this come on so suddenly when I did well for so long? I just doesn't make any sense.

If anyone has any ideas of what might have happened or how to deal with it, I'd love to hear them.


WOW, girl, hang in there, it is our brain chemicals messin with us! I am so much like you minus the ocd add MDD. Do you have a good , i mean really good SPECIALIST doc that regulates your meds? That is the only thing I can think of, you have to PUSH and change when things aren't working. If you do have a doc, go back and let them know what you have isn't working. I have an appointment in a week, and i am just holding on. I'm here for ya! There is hope. Hugs... LG 
07 Jan 13 by member: Lizzygracemusic
Thanks, Lizzie Grace. I'm lucky to have a phenomenal psychiatrist I've been seeing for six years. I saw him the day before this crazy sugar thing started, and I've going back in a week and a half. Because I have so many psych issues and my depression is considered "treatment resistent," he's trying to get my insurance to pay for transcranial magnetic stimulation, which is the latest treatment for depression. I have a lot of hope for it. Luckily, the sugar cravings seem to be easing. I'll be thinking of you and hoping your doc has some ideas to help you. Hang in there! 
07 Jan 13 by member: Miss_Elise


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