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Today's journal is about Self-Esteem... and it's not an easy journal for me to write. (especially in light of yesterday's weigh in!) But here goes nothing...
Do you go out of your way to 'dress' for your spouse/significant other?
Do you think about them at all when you are selecting - your bathing suit? slacks? dresses? shorts? underwear? lingerie? make up? hairstyles? etc??
I have had a recent issue - and because of it, I have realized that I feel very self conscious about my body. From surgery scars, to some saggy parts, stretch marks, and cellulite... it all eventually effects me.
As part of the process of 'preparing' for an intimate time w/ my husband, I started out my day...cleaning the house. Doing laundry. Grocery shopping. Sending the only kid left living at home, AWAY overnight to a friends. Then started one of my husband's favorite meals.
Showered, primped, preened, makeup, hair, new bra/panties set, cute skirt/blouse, etc..., etc...
I thought a lot about him throughout the day as I was looking forward to him coming home on Tues afternoon. I knew he'd be off on Wed for the holiday - so it felt like a little 'mini vacation' at home.
He came in - happy to see me - very happy about all of the little things I had done throughout the day - like the cleaned house, or the Lilac candle burning - made him an iced coffee (which he loves) and we settled out on the back porch to chat about our day.
Everything was going well.
Then I made the mistake of saying something to him about how I was looking forward to showing him something after dinner... that peeked his curiosity - and he wanted to know what??
I told him I had bought a new 'lingerie set' of a bra and panties and I had it on under my clothes. (which you couldn't see anything).
"It's not one of those with a piece of butt floss up your crack - is it?? I hate those!!!"
****
Of course it was. I didn't know he 'hated those'. And I've been married to the guy for 23 yrs. LOL! And more than that... I felt sexy, and beautiful, and he totally took the wind out of my sails!
Needless to say, we didn't have our 'romantic interlude'.
REALLY? What an insensitive thing to say to me. Ok, it took a day and a half of conversations, before he even remotely seems to have a clue why this would have impacted me so.
Which is why I am writing this journal.
He says if I really want to make him 'excited' about what he sees... he prefers plain old cotton. Just any old bra and panties - so long as they're cotton. WHAT? Am I crazy - or did this conversation just take a turn where this man (my husband) thinks this whole process revolves around him!
I like silk, and satin, and lace, and girly stuff. I like the way I feel in it. This was a beautiful, tasteful, sexy bra and panties set. And I loved it. - At least I did - until I got rejected out of hand!
Much easier to cover all the crap up in flannel! At least he'll be happy!
Just feeling very vulnerable, insecure, and crazy mad this morning!!!
HUSBANDS - take note... not a great message to send to your wife.
And the really bizarre part of that...is he is normally sooooo supportive, and encouraging to me, he is fun loving, playful, usually very appreciative when I go 'all out' to make our time together special... This came out of left field! And I just felt so rejected. Which made me feel fat, and ugly and ridiculously self conscious about my body.
So today's mission - to go back to the drawing board, and start w/ accepting me, for who I am... what I like, what I want... and how I can best make myself happy.
I have lots of work to do.
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 Comments
I hate that 1/2 of a set of lingerie ruined your evening! Maybe a delayed reaction to all the stress of the wedding, etc? Working on self esteem and body issues can be tough. You see it in almost all of the FS Journals. Our society parades us with twenty-something size 0 bodies - and if we don't look like that we are nothing? I don't think so!!! We need to learn to love our wrinkles, scars, sags, etc. because we are going to have them a long time.
05 Jul 12 by member: BuffyBear
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PS - I am blond because of DH - so I am guilty as charged.
05 Jul 12 by member: BuffyBear
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It seemed to be a 'revelation' to him - that women need to feel 'pretty' along with thinking their spouse finds them 'attractive'... it all works together, like two pieces to a puzzle. He thinks he's a stand alone puzzle!!!
05 Jul 12 by member: jsfantome
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The key here is you liked it and you felt sexy - I learnt long ago to wear stuff for me, not for anyone else. It was insensitive to say what he said, but his insult was not about you or your shape, it was just about a pair of knickers....which can be removed....;)
05 Jul 12 by member: triaby
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As you know, you are not alone on this entry, Paula. It would be a rather unique woman who is not vulnerable to the comments of her hubby, significan other, etc. Things that seem to make us feel so special and feminine just aren't important to some guys. Then there are those who go way overboard in the other direction...want the "naughty girl in the bedroom image." I know how hurt you felt at the time and would only guess that your husband had no idea of what he was really saying at the time and the devastation that it caused. Sometimes, men can be absolutely clueless...no offense men!
My DBruce is not the romantic type...he tries but when all that he can say is, "those are the most beautiful hooters I have ever seen" pretty much reduces me to a pair of breasts. Never a comment about my face, my eyes, my hair, my nose, my legs, my heart or anything. Nothing else...just my boobs! Now, I am grateful that he finds them attractive as I am 65 years old but I also would love to hear that I have other things that are pleasing to him....as my self-image seems to be wrapped around a pair of breasts...and of course, they are to be always concealed under high necked tops so that no one else can enjoy his view.
Men are funny...and I suppose we are as well. We allow an innocent comment to spoil our day or night...when I feel like alittle perturbed with him, I always remember to thank God for all his wonderful qualities and let go of what was an unintentional hurt. After all, I didn't fall in love with a guy who only likes nice breasts....I fell in love with all him. Your hubby sounds from your entries like a prince of a guy...and I know that you are crazy about him. I bet he won't make the same type of comment ever again...after all, he would never intentionally hurt you.
And by the way, I saw those beautiful wedding pics...your beauty emits from your very soul and you are absolutely gorgeous!!!! Now, tuck that away in your little self-esteem bag for a rainy day....
05 Jul 12 by member: 2227Gwen
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I understand that because when I feel good about myself I feel sexy. But I am thankful that DH finds me sexy on those days when I didn't have time to shave my legs and my hair is a mess. And that does wonders for my self esteem.
05 Jul 12 by member: BuffyBear
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Wow! I hope you let DH know what he missed out on, by the comment he made. There are some of us guys who would love for their spouses to turn up the heat a bit like you did - and NOT do the same old cotton and flannel, covered neck-to-toe thing. Paula, I am sure your guy thinks you are beautiful. Guys are visual. I'll bet if you had just let your robe fall open a bit after supper, he wouldn't have had much objection about 'butt floss' then. Just offering an opinion from a male perspective here.
05 Jul 12 by member: DairyKing
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I'm not married, so I'll tread lightly here. I feel like the proverbial fly on the wall, reading this post, and like the others, feel for you. Having seen the recent wedding photos, I'll say that you are beautiful, and a great looking couple. If I had a woman do what you did to make the day/evening special, for me, I can't help but think; I'd go with the flow, be appreciative, and take my time helping you reveal, and then get out of that new set of lingerie. :-0 Personally, I think silk lingerie is sexy, and when a woman does goes out of her way to set the tone for an evening of romance for the two of us; it makes my nature rise, and excites my imagination for what she's going to do next, and how I could ever surprise her in a similar way. I'll take this as a lesson learned, from you ladies, and pray that I'll never make a mistake like that; which all men have, at some point in their lives, and feel like scum when we do; and the realization hits us. Paula, he won't make that mistake again.
05 Jul 12 by member: ShyGuy
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DK - LOL! Thank you!!! You just made my day! I am starting to get over it..just felt a big ding in my ego I suppose! The humble part of me, that really likes making him happy...went to Target and found some adorable 'cotton' undies that I love!!! And no, no thongs! But they are cute ;) So I will deal w/ my hurt and turn this ship around...can't stay mad at the guy...too deeply in love for that! Oh, and HE KNEW...he knew right away by the look on my face when he said it... this is not going to go well! LOL!! I doubt he is without understanding at this point. I would never in a million years purchase something to wear for him - that I didn't already like myself, and like how I looked or felt in it... so it was his loss. And he's mourning! LOL!
05 Jul 12 by member: jsfantome
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thanks shyguy!!! always here to try to teach something new ;) guys, pay attention...don't do this! LOL!!! It won't get you far!
05 Jul 12 by member: jsfantome
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Gwen, you are a doll! And thank you for reminding me to build myself up! You too, my friend. Someone once told me that some men only mature to adolescence 'visually'. Perhaps your hubby is a 'boob' man. And always will be. Thank God their yours that make him happy! :) And I'll thank him that my hubby 'typically' makes me feel like the most beautiful woman that lives on earth! (typically, except Tues night!) LOL!
05 Jul 12 by member: jsfantome
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I love to wear little babydoll lingerie, even if my husband and I aren't having time to ourselves. It makes me feel sexy and special, even before I started losing the weight. One day, I was looking at lingerie and asked DH which styles he preferred. He told me that it really didn't matter to him what it looked like, he just enjoyed taking it off. At first, I was hurt and thought, "So I can wear a paper bag?" But, after I thought about it, I realized he was trying to give me a compliment--it's not about what I wear, it's about me! When I realized this, I felt more sexy than any piece of lingerie could make me feel!
Since then, I still occasionally wear lingerie (for me) but I also enjoying wearing nothing, because that's how he likes it. :)
05 Jul 12 by member: hollipop
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Very, very insensitive of your DH..... I think I would have been upset. I don't buy stuff for my DH... I buy it for myself, because I feel good in it. I think I have always been that way - of course it is nice, when he says I look good in something... But i wouldn't go out and buy something, because he 'likes' it .... Mainly because he really doesn't know what suits me and I know what I feel comfortable in and look best in. Having said that, the one exception is sunglasses... I will always need his opinion on those, as I am crap at choosing them. On the odd occasion, I have bought something on his say so, I have not worn it once.
Go with your own gut feeling.... I think DK is right when he says "let your robe fall open" ... Don't look for approval, be confident tha you look desirable - you ARE stunning :-)
05 Jul 12 by member: Sk1nnyfuture
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WOW. I can understand while your evening didn't end as planned. I would be still stewing too. And your right, my DH wouldn't have a clue why I was upset. And we have been married for 27 years. I agree with DK that he would have been happy as a clam if you hadn't mentioned what you had on. Instead he opened his mouth and inserted both feet. Love to see that the our FS guys chimed in on this post.
05 Jul 12 by member: karenagain
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Me too, Karen...and thank you! Skinny, you are so 'confident'...and I love that! I just have always thought of him... of course, I have to like it too, but it's always a bonus when I think I have hit paydirt w/ something that we are both gonna love... whether it's sunglasses, or a new dress. Or a new nightie! Guess I am learning new things all the time ;)
05 Jul 12 by member: jsfantome
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