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Well hello there, strangers. It's been a few weeks, but I am climbing up from the depths and I guess the first step in getting back to 'me' is to reconnect with my supports (you) and the therapeutic quality of journaling.
As the majority of you know a few months ago I was put on a new med for anxiety. I thought the benefits would outweigh the risks but for me it most certainly did not. I found myself losing interest in things that once mattered to me. (journaling, going to the gym, socializing in general) I started to seclude myself, and eventually it got to the point that finding the motivation to even shower and get dressed in the morning was an enormous burden. I was tired, all of the time. These things crept up on my slowly though, I didn't really notice the changes until one day I found myself trying to remember what was important to me. I started experiencing severe, crippling depression and my husband pushed me to go see the doctor. I say these things like they are all past tense but right now I am weaning off the med so although I'm still very apathetic I'm at least trying to fight back. The doc wants me to try a new med, but frankly it's out of my price range. I am weaning off of the anxiety medication, getting back to myself, and I'll see where I stand from there. I am trying to accept that depression and anxiety are real medical conditions, not weaknesses as I was raised to believe. For some reason I can understand that when it comes to other people, but struggle with accepting that as it applies to me. I am not infallible. But like any chronic disease process I can fight back. Last night I told myself that if I was diagnosed with cancer I would fight back by all means possible, why would I just roll over and let depression control my life and my choices?
My weight at the doctors office was disgusting, I am not recording that. My plan is to start recording my foods today, take the dog for a long walk, and slowly build back up to where I was before in terms of nutrition and exercise. My husband is my biggest support, and he is pretty serious about wanting to get his health in check as well so it will be nice to have a partner. I'm prescribing daily intentional exercise to myself for the treatment of my depression.
Nursing school, though I seriously considered dropping out only a couple days ago, is going very well. I passed my science course with a 97.4%. I am now in theory and practice, which includes three class days a week plus all day Saturday skill labs. I am enjoying the course and I am enjoying my classmates so the urge to quit is entirely depression related. Depression is a lying bitch. I am forging on though. I don't have any quit in me.
I am trying to find work. Talk about over stressing yourself, but financially I just have to. I am applying for less stressful job positions, I'm not looking to get rich anyway, I just need the ends to meet. So hopefully I can find a nice low stress job and it will be manageable. Would you like fries with that? haha, just kidding.
I do hope all of you are doing well. I apologize for not being here to support you or follow your journals. I truly do care very much about everyone here.
Have a good day, buddies :)
Diet Calendar Entry for 15 October 2014:
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1920 kcal
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Fat: 69.27g | Prot: 91.23g | Carb: 233.28g.
Breakfast: Thomas' Original English Muffins, Great Value Unsalted Sweet Cream Butter Sticks, Egg, Coffee-Mate Original Powder Creamer, Great Value 1% Low Fat Milk, Malt-O-Meal Frosted Flakes. Lunch: Great Value Wavy Cut Potato Chips, Great Value Tomato Ketchup, Great Value Wheat Sandwich Bread, Oscar Mayer Light Beef Bologna Cold Cuts. Dinner: Huevos con Chorizo, Ground Beef (Cooked), Great Value Traditional Spaghetti Sauce, Great Value Enriched Spaghetti. Snacks/Other: EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder - Chocolate Fudge. more...
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1 to 20 of 23
 Comments
Yo, I missed you! Hope you "get yourself back" SOON! We got your back BUDDY! Never stop fighting for what YOU want... Despite the temporary set back, YOU'RE still DOING GREAT! (((HUGS)))
15 Oct 14 by member: millerm40
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15 Oct 14 by member: deaby16
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I feel your pain! I was put on a medicine once that made it hard to function and I was very sleepy. I'm glad you went back to tell your doctor! I hope you can get where you need to, healthwise.
Congrats on the good grade! Good luck in your job search!
15 Oct 14 by member: RoaminRome
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You are a fighter...even if you don't believe me...I know! Our lives are full of obstacles, and we have to adjust our lives throughout...you'll figure this one out, too! So glad to hear from you.
15 Oct 14 by member: mgrill
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I have noticed that you were gone, I'm glad you're back. I hope you feel better soon.
15 Oct 14 by member: snezica
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((Hugs)) I am so glad you are back! We all need support for whatever we are going through. It helps knowing others care about you. You fought the good fight with your weight and you can do this too! We are rooting for you. Good job on your schooling. Good luck with finding the job that is meant for you!
15 Oct 14 by member: kattay
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Yolanda you are a strong woman, dont drop out of school and dont give up on the healthy lifestyle, as far as the deprssion and stuff look at everything good in your life and just go from there you got this :)
15 Oct 14 by member: Rockiesfan
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My boyfriend used to suffer from depression pretty badly, and there were times when it was really hard for him to find the motivation to get up in the morning or do activities that he loves (one of his is hockey). Luckily he has made major improvements over the past few years, but occasionally there are days where I can tell something's off and we have to plan something fun to get him back on track. His moments are normally brought on from stress. The first step to fighting depression is realizing that you are depressed, so you sound like you're off to a good start and that you have a wonderful support system in your husband!
15 Oct 14 by member: bri293
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You have been missed Yolanda. And the important thing about it all is that you are back. You are fighting through. You did not give up on yourself or your goals. Do not even consider doing that now... you have turned the page... Just keep taking little steps in the right direction and you will eventually get everything that you want.
15 Oct 14 by member: alexzwk
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Love you, Yolanda. (((((hugs)))))
15 Oct 14 by member: Deb_N
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I've missed you! Sorry to hear that your anxiety meds seemed to make things worse. Having suffered from depression, I definitely understand a lot of the feeling you describe, especially the apathy and constant fatigue. I hope weaning off will help you to gradually feel like yourself again, although I do encourage you to maybe see a counselor in addition to the daily exercise you've prescribed yourself. (If only I took my own advice, LOL). Good luck out there in the job market, it is tough these days, even for 'casual' work. Sounds like you are keeping up your grades - great job! Have a good day!
15 Oct 14 by member: megmonster
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Sorry you've been struggling, but great to see you back. Keep pushing forward, think of positive things to be thankful for and focus on the good things as much as you can...don't give up.
15 Oct 14 by member: jmb3450
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I echo those before me I MISSED YOU. I hope you find the med to help you balance out the anxiety and apathy. Frankly, I was amazed at how you managed to juggle all that you did over the past year - you are an incredible young lady. Do find a less stressful job. Congratulations on continuing with school at a time when you wanted to just hang it all up. Welcome back and good on you for deciding to make one step at a time here without just staying away completely. You are loved here and feel free to vent to me in a PM as much as you like; I've suffered depression a lot and would completely understand although I'm not saying yours is mine or mine is yours. We all need an ear or shoulder now and then. I'm here with mine for you.
15 Oct 14 by member: FullaBella
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I cannot add much more than what has already been said. There are a few natural herbal supplements that have been proven for anxiety. I've taken one that has worked for me, with little side affects except calmness .
15 Oct 14 by member: wholefoodnut
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Glad to see you are back and journaling it will help and we are here for you. Best wishes.
15 Oct 14 by member: ChicaLean
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I've missed you Yolanda!! I'm very happy for you to realize what is happening around even though things have been rough for you. Just writing this journal has to be uplifting for you!! I'm so proud of you for getting through the nursing course and carrying on. You are doing fantastic!!
15 Oct 14 by member: aggie95
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I read about your bio, and your journal and I must say, great job so far!!!!
15 Oct 14 by member: ChanceBrazil3
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Hi Yolanda9179. You have a plan and that is good. You mention that your weight was disgusting at the Dr. office. You know, you are a realist and the weight might have been different than you wanted so don't be so hard on you. You are a human being like all of us with short coming and without perfection. I would be willing to bet your great. We are here to support you and wish you good things and keep up the positive approach. You goal will be worth it when you reach it because it is for you and not for others to judge. Love Thy Self. Take care.
15 Oct 14 by member: Deere Man
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So glad to hear from you again! Depression is a b!tch, I agree wholeheartedly, but it's really good to know that you have determination a plan to push forward. You're amazing! :)
15 Oct 14 by member: PepperMill
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Yo,I don't know if ther is anything left to be said :) Thats a good thing because it shows YOU have A LOT of support behind you :) I would like to bring to your attention if you havent noticed it,that YOU speak VERY POSITIVE in your above journal entry!!! Why do I want you to be aware of that?! Because that shows depression (all lower case letters) is NOT as big as it may seem :) it has NOT reached the core of who YOU are!! Lady :)) YOU GOT THIS! Perhaps without you even realizing it,YOU have been fighting it all the way. The warrior *in* you will not,CAN NOT be defeated. YOU wont let it :) LOL Now that that has been said let me tell you about a stress free job that I had for 13 yrs & would still have (because I loved it SO much) if I didn't have my Keeper :) I worked at a Convenience Store/Deli/Gas Station. It isn't considered a glamorous occupation but I met people of all sorts & became good friends with the majority of them. My "connections" to whatever I needed :) because thats what friends are for.To be there when you need them. The city I lived in became smaller to me anyway because there wasn't anyone who I didnt come to know. I was offered the manager position 4 times & declined it 4 times because* there* is where the stress lies. I wish for your happy outcome in what you are dealing with & I KNOW,YOU got this. :)
15 Oct 14 by member: myawethinTICself
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