I feel as if I am squatting in reflection land lately. One of my dear friends here recorded the following comment on their journal recently and hit so close to home for me that I am finding myself, too, repeating it several times a day. The phrase was:
“What I do to other, I do to self.”
I catch myself so many times a day noticing overweight people and judging. Ridiculous because I am overweight. I think my mind seems to calculate ‘not near as overweight as I used to me’ and rationalizes it is justified.
It is not.
Because, if I judge others by noticing their weight and appearance, I am judging myself. And I think it’s a chicken or the egg type scenario as I m concluding for all the ‘love and forgiveness and acceptance’ I am seeking for myself, it’s obvious I am not there yet. Maybe because I am doing it to myself first, I am doing it to others to distract my consciousness from dealing with myself?
It’s not just overweight. It’s attire. Mannerisms in public. Overheard conversations. Grammer. Posture. All of it.
How I must still hate myself that I wish to project this judgment on others? Will I ever find that peace and acceptance with me that feels, naturally, ‘can’t we all just get along?’ as the initial reaction rather than at the conclusion of yet another mental exercise in recovery?
I literally grew up at the bottom of the barrel on the wrong side of the tracks. I came from what others would label ‘white trash’. I was reflecting last night at the auction, as I looked around feeling ‘superior’ it became glaringly apparent that I’m so deep in denial and unacceptance of myself it’s … overwhelming.
I recognized I like the country auction because, well, sure, it’s something to do, somewhere to go. And unlike the upscale auctions with the yield of six figure item nods from a room full of designer labels and old money, it’s casual and affordable.
But I was sensing a dull, subliminal emotion akin to a binaural beat in relaxation music. It was an ugly version of judgment and superiority.
I’m so close to connecting these dots and praying once completed I will solve the puzzle. I feel as if I’m staring at one of those rebus puzzles combined with a 3D stereogram. If I can just think about this and maybe shift my focus, I’ll discover the answer.
How bad could I have been made to feel as a child to still carry this much hatred for myself as an adult? Who do I need to remember and forgive as it’s obviously not just ‘me’; I’ve done this exercise to love and forgive myself. Over and over. But until it really sinks in… I stay on edge. Judging and forgiving. Assuming then concluding. Reminding myself for every single person I stare at with opinion and criticism there is someone likely doing the same to me.
“What I do to other, I do to self.”
Will I ever sit in a room full of people, walk thru a crowded store or stand in a group without looking around and comparing? Will I ever achieve the beauty of a flower ~ intent on being as beautiful as *I* can be without comparing myself to the others in the garden?
This is rambling but not nearly as jumbled as within my own head. At a family birthday party yesterday I ate food I’d have politely passed a year ago. Was it surrounded by people heavier than me that I felt it was okay? Why did I do that? Why does what I do have to be a reaction to my judgment of others rather than coming from within and being my own choice? Had I been in a room full of people lighter than me would I have passed on the mac and cheese? Would it have even been served?
Is it a really screwed up version of retribution? Years of self defense over my weight, imagining others judging ‘me’ because of it settled in so deep that I feel as if I’m finally on the right side of the tracks to judge as well. Yes, I know that’s not true. I’m trying to find the source.
I’ve not slept well for several nights and I know this is a contributor to my inability to solve this riddle.
I just consider myself blessed that I am recognizing it isn’t healthy and I want to do better. I pray the serenity prayer and pray for self acceptance.
Some day.
Bella
