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This week has been tough. Somewhere, I have lost hope. Last night, my husband made a video of me riding my horse. My goodness. I never knew I was so big. Thank goodness my boy is over 17 hands high and can carry me like an afterthought, but if I were just starting out in riding and weighed this much, there is NO WAY he would be a good horse for me. If I didn't know how to balance myself, I'd be afraid to ride him with his navicular issues. I hate that my ability to ride well is the only thing that keeps me off of a draft cross. I hate that I will never look good in show clothes, because at this moment, I feel like a fat cow. I have been making bad decisions based on being ill this past week as well as the fact that I just don't want to put so much effort in to what I eat.
I used to pray for death, hoping that my depression and pain would end beyond the veil. I forgot about the judgment, and though God is merciful, I am doubtful that He will overlook my care (or lack thereof) of my body.
I don't know how to get motivated again, or how to stay motivated.
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 Comments
I am so very sorry to hear you've had such a bad week, Katie. I know very well how easy it is to fall prey to depression and hopelessness, and how hard it is to rise above it. Intellectually, we know what we need to do to help ourselves but can't summon up the the energy or the courage to do it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I know this is difficult, but instead of thinking about how heavy you look in the video (and the camera adds 10-15 pounds), look at the weight you've lost! You are really doing very well with your diet. Riding horses is obviously a great passion of yours and you are very knowledgeable about all aspects of it. Relish in the joy riding brings you. Enjoy riding to the fullest! This is a wonderful way to care for your body and soul. When we dwell in depression, moments of joy are few and far between and we have to them close. You are a beautiful child of God and I firmly believe that God will not judge you harshly for things that are beyond your control. Depression is an illness, not a sin. You are where you are because of human actions and brain chemistry, not because you chose this! I am keeping you in my prayers and sending you much love and many, many hugs. Please stay in touch and let me know how I can help you. "Praise ye the Lord; his mercy endures for ever and ever!"
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Katie,
Baby steps. We all lose motivation during our journey. The great thing is that every day is a new fresh start. You can't change the past , but you have control over the present.
28 Aug 11 by member: Deirdra
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You've made some great progress so far- stick with it! I know how being sick can get you off track, but when you're healthy enough to get back to it, don't think about it and just do it! Think back to what got you started to begin with. What changes have you observed- maybe a piece of clothing that fits again or something that is easier for you to do now than it was before? More achievements like that are waiting for you. Believe in yourself! You have it in you to achieve your goals!
28 Aug 11 by member: gnat824
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