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As I have reached my first milestone of 287 a couple of weeks ago I have been really struggling with who I am as a person. My life has been dictated a lot by my weight. My friends always select a booth knowing that I could not easily fit into it. It was embarrassing to have my stomach partially on the table. Eating out was also filled with the idea of being judged for what I was eating. Riding on the bus was needing to get two empty seats so that one side of my butt wouldn't be squeezed in. Every normal aspect of my day was influenced by my size. Even where my cat curled up on me was reflective of my size. My life has been seemingly controlled by my weight. Now, that weight is going away. Who am I now?
I have heard lots of times, "You are who you are and will be that person when you reach your goal." This is perhaps the least helpful response I have received. I appreciate the support in that area, but the statement is wrought with problems. I don't know who I am. I have a few traits that make up a person, but it does not create an identity. I have been the "Fat Friend" for too long. For awhile I was the biggest person in my family as well, even bigger than my brother outweighing his 6'2" frame with my 5'5" frame.
When I arrive at that magic moment of the goal, will I remember that I am not that person anymore? I stop when I catch my reflection as it seems so foreign to me. There is my face, but where is this body coming from?
The question that I seem to be seeking the answer to is who I want to be when I reach my goal. I can figure out the numbers game of weight, size, measurements, etc., but those are numbers, easy peasy. Who am I now? Where am I really going? How will people treat me compared to now?
Now, people drive by throwing things at my head (in one case a couple of empty beer bottles as they took passes trying to hit me with them), while yelling at me to exercise and put down the twinkie. I'm not sure why they even thought that yelling at me to exercise when I was doing just that was helpful or how they thought a concussion would help me out. I receive revulsion. If someone smells it is immediately blamed on me. Someone farts and, of course, it has to be me. The comments from the doctors that I need to lose weight, the comments of, "Well, I don't think this is the right store for you," from store clerks.
My world is changing. I am changing. How do I hold on? How do I figure out who I am, and who I am becoming? I have defenses to ward off the problems with being overweight, but what will be the problems of being within my normal range? Will everyone disregard my hard work believing I look that way naturally? Will I wear this journey like some kind of badge that has to be acknowledged? When people notice me, will they see what I see or something more?
Diet Calendar Entries for 30 June 2014:
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1187 kcal
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Fat: 20.18g | Prot: 47.91g | Carb: 210.78g.
Breakfast: Crystal Farms All Whites 100% Liquid Egg Whites, Bananas, Trader Joe's Quick Cook Steel Cut Oats, Country Kitchen Original Syrup. Lunch: Welch's Mixed Berry Dried Fruit, Tyson Foods Fajita Chicken Breast Strips, Tomatoes, Wonderful Roasted & Salted Almonds, Great Value Apple Cider Vinegar, Bell Peppers. Dinner: Great Value Salted Sweet Cream Butter Sticks, Potato (with or Without Peel). Snacks/Other: Bananas. more...
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3427 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 1 hour, Resting - 15 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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 Comments
When you know that you are losing the weight for yourself, then you pretty much already know that person who you will see when you get to goal. Never question the love you have for yourself and for your reason for wanting to lose weight to get healthy. Stay strong and don't look back. Keep looking forward to a new and improved "self." Good Luck!
30 Jun 14 by member: toppy24564
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I found that loving myself fat was my first step to getting thinner. I don't want to be another one of those who say that you're still "you" regardless of your weight. But I hope that people do not treat you any differently once you lose weight. Those who do may not have been your true friends to begin with. Did your "friends" really choose a booth at a restaurant because it was hard for you to squeeze into? REALLY? What the hell kinds of friends were those? Do you have self-esteem issues to keep hanging out with those people? I'm sorry to call you on this, but the other option is pity which I don't think you want. I'd rather call you on hanging with the wrong friends. My friends loved/love me for the person I am inside and wished I would lose weight for my health. When I was ready and finally started, they all supported me. Something to think about. The only differences for me have been that now I'm getting invitations to hikes and sports stuff! Are you really so confused by who you are right now? Maybe a support group like OA or Weight Watchers would give you friends who struggle like you do and are on your side instead of friends who enjoy your suffering at a restaurant. That's horrid and cruel.
30 Jun 14 by member: mrsmole
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As you progress you may redefine yourself if that's what you want. I went through AA and am in OA now. Both allow and encourage self development and evolving into the person you want to be.
I started by asking what I wanted to be in terms of mind, body and spirit.
I wrote down and continued to modify goals for each.
Body was first with the goal of slim and fit. It took two years of hourly discipline to lose 50 pounds and keep it off and build up aerobic endurance.
It was a series of tiny, tiny steps such as, OK, no cream in my coffee, ever.
Then, no sugar. Tiny, tiny steps.
I started a spiritual quest that continues by asking that question, Who am I? which led me to a better question: Who do I want to be?
I wanted to be (and became) someone who
- engages with other people in active and constructive pursuits I enjoy;
- has built supportive friend relationships of giving and receiving;
- works to give and receive romantic love with another individual;
- contributes back to my community;
- continues to grow in knowledge and seek wisdom...
there is more but my point is that I asked
what do I WANT to be in mind, body and spirit
and having decided that, found action steps that led me in the direction I chose to go.
All this is about making your choices and taking action.
You can do the same, one decision, one tiny step, one ounce, at a time.
Best wishes!
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30 Jun 14 by member: Crash1498
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Mrsmole - I agree, I need better friends. I'm not looking for pity. I don't want it and certainly don't need it. I am very confused as to who I am as that old identity falls away. My issue with identity though is far more than just a weight issue but has to do with a mental illness I have as well in which one of the symptoms is the lack of a core identity. Therapy is helping me, but, yeah, I need a better support system. Thank you for your feedback and honesty.
01 Jul 14 by member: maelynpeacock
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I get what you are saying that a big portion of your life has been dictated by your weight, it's how you and others have identified you, and it's made decisions for you and there is truth in that. I think that a lot of us continue to struggle with who we are, and where we want to go in life, independent from our weight as well and even though I can't say that I have worn the exact shoes as you, I can offer some advice in the aspect of figuring out who you are. Make a bucket list. Of small things. Large things. Medium things. From wanting to clean out the closet you have always left a mess. To always keeping your car clean. To driving to Maine to see the trees in the fall. To volunteering at a shelter. Our wants, our desires, those are things that tell us a lot about ourselves and help us find identity in moments of struggle.
01 Jul 14 by member: Torzie206
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"identity" - the first & premier concept handed over to every single being who has stepped into this planet called earth. much before than an individual can start talking & saying words the "identity" concept is shoved, stuffed, conditioned deep into the individuals mind. so its the first name & the last name which form the foundation of this concept called "identity". and then somewhere along life's journey, every single individual starts to invest into this concept. making it real & lively. attaching to it so much that they become almost one with it. this is when the query kicks in irrespective of who & where they are. who am I ?
now for the first time the individual starts to witness their own identity & start to watch it as a third party as a witness, only to realize that this "identity" is not who they are. its not what they have created it. its not what they are comfortable with. this a powerful natural development. & slowly the distance grows...
for e.g. the process of a snake shedding its old skin for a new one can be a parallel drawn to this individuals situation. the new skin dumps & sheds out all old stuff, likewise dropping the "identity" instantly connects one to the universe.
You Are A Part Of The Whole & The Whole Is A Part In You...
01 Jul 14 by member: dheerajjsangyam
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Awesome entry... I think a lot people struggle with this whether they have suddenly gained weight, went through some trauma that changed them... I think you need to take this one day at a time. you have some time to figure out exactly who and what you want to be isn't it wonderful!!!. You are in the process of remaking a whole new you, YOU get to decide what that will be. I totally get where you are at.on the inner person. You will come out a stronger person that you are already. You are pretty strong to have dealt with this for so long. Your body isn't what makes your identity we sometimes thing that because of the norm rules of society.. I am looking forward to reading more of your progress. Great job..
01 Jul 14 by member: Rains120
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