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aarrgghh!! I want to punch someone!!! or yell at myself!! or just get away from people!!!! or figure out what the heck I want--and why am I feeling so antsy!!!!
ok, yeah, I am not going crazy (not entirely anyway)...but am feeling so antsy for so many reasons...work-stress (so much to do, never enough time, yet time gets wasted by inconsequential things), people-stress (these inconsequential people that are taking up inordinate amount of my efforts, thoughts etc.---or should I just be mad at myself for my own inadequacies at staving off some of this, managing time and emotions better, or changing my expecations about what to expect from people, e.g., doing a lot for my students and spending much time planning stuff for them, and expecting them to feel inspired and enthusiastic--and instead, when I just get a blah-ness from them, I feel that was not the best use of my time!!)...I dunno, but all these unproductive thoughts, not helping!
On top of that, I feel like I am not pushing myself enough to work out sufficiently enough to expect change...I actually felt like my stomach had grown today instead of shrinking!! I know that sounds weird! But it was enough to get me hitting the scale right upon coming home--wanting to get some "real" facts, rather than this feeling of feeling big. Well, the weight hasn't changed much, surprise, surprise...but this does officially confirm I am have a closet-addiction with my scale!! Also, I really want to see changes, and this process is so slow...but I have only myself to hold accountable---if I worked harder, I'd lose weight faster--it's not that complicated.
Anyway, here're the stats on everything:
weight: 166.6 (in the evening)
workout: 30 mins. elliptical in the morning (245 K--rather slow)
Food so far:
Breakfast: cereal and milk (3)
Lunch: green beans and walnuts (2), coffee with cream (1),
salad with light dressing (1.5),
snack: 1 orange (1)
dinner:: 1 healthy choice veggie panini (6), walnuts (1), wasa cracker (0.5) with reduced fat peanut butter (1)
post-dinner: 1 more wasa cracker and peanut butter (1.5)
grapes (1)
chana (1)
Total points so far: 19.5
ok, I need to calm down...there's still lot of work to do, but I need to chill out...I guess I could call and vent w/ a friend or family, but am too tired to actually talk...writing here helps..but gotta get to work soon and get done soon so I don't have to stay up too long tonight...
P.S: (later entry)..I'm wondering if part of my anxiety and discontent is stemming from the fact that I didn't go for my c2k plan's running today---it's scary to start week 3 and I seem to have put it off, and perhaps that's subconsciously weighing me down with the guilt and the worry that I'm going to un-do the good by not sticking to the plan..!
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