Just got out of a statistics test. It took me about four hours. Slept just over 4 hours last night trying to get myself to study well for it. It's not my strength, but little by little I'm starting to build skill in it. Stats is the hardest technical class a psychology student like me ever has to take, and I'm doing it at the same time as algebra.
They take turns being the one I'm behind in. I feel so ashamed of how difficult they are for me. :( I struggle a lot with focus, time management and overwhelm, and math tends to bring up anxiety for me because it's connected with some difficult childhood stuff.
I miss doing things I love, that I'm competent in like acting, music, jewelry-making, writing... I always did well in English and philosophy, but it's hard to keep my morale up this semester and believe in myself as a student. I feel like a quirky little fish who's being tested on her ability to climb a tree. It's exaughsting. Soon enough I'll be moving on to meatier psych classes and I'll be glad I got through these. I keep trying to remind myself of that.
Anyways. I had the option to go to Taco Bell (my weakness) or somewhere similar to celebrate getting through this latest test and to drown out my embarrassment and shame from knowing my grade will probably disappoint me again, to block out the fear that I might have to retake the course, ect.. then probably give up on getting more done and go home to isolate and watch shows until I can't think or feel too much anymore.. but NOT THIS TIME. :)
This time I'm listening to good faithful music to feed my soul and eating the awesome dark leafy salad I packed. I'm choosing to self-soothe with *nutrition*. I'm staying put. Staying put on campus, staying mindful instead of mentally checking out. Taking this time to eat and get organized, then going back to the math lab to jump back into algebra. This time I chose health, dignity, humility and determination.
