dbdmom's Journal, 07 April 2016

So, basically I have been "eating right" (with Sundays off) for about a year now, with a little hiatus between Easter and June/July last year, but consistently for about the last 9 months.

It is, pretty much, my way of life now, and I'm consistent/committed to it. It's a habit, I guess, but a habit that requires concerted effort. It's still not natural to me. It's not second nature to me. It's work. But I'm accustomed to it.

I'm grateful that I am *accustomed* to this process, because it is soooo abundantly clear to me how EASY it always was for me to overeat and stuff my feelings with food and how much I *still* want to handle stress by eating.

My work isn't stressing me out so much today, but my *husband's* work is stressing me out (because he is stressed), and, well, I have teenagers, so there's a stressor right there. So, I'm sitting here at my desk (at work), and all I can think about is how much *better* I would feel if I could order in some kind of decadent goodness to be delivered to the office and feast on gooey, cheesy, greasy, carby...SOMETHING (the options are endless). And how, a little over a year ago, I would have done that without thinking twice about it. And I would have easily consumed almost 2 days worth of calories in one sitting. And then, I probably would have helped myself to something from the vending machine later on in the day.

What's interesting to me is that intellectually (in one part of my brain), I know that another part of my brain (feeling) is LYING to me. How can a bready/cheesy/greasy philly-cheese steak sandwich and fries make my stress go away? IT WOULDN'T!!! But, the "voices" are still in there telling me that said sandwich or a pizza or a homestyle double-cheeseburger with cheesy-covered tator tots would make me feel so much better! LIES!!!

The one and only thing stopping me from placing the call to order any of these things is that 1.) I'm being consistent about logging and writing down EVERYTHING I eat Monday - Saturday. 2.) I already have a pretty good idea, calorie-wise, that ALL of these things are off-limits if I don't want to exceed my limit for the day. So. I'll refrain. I will eat the sensible chicken and veggies I brought for lunch today. (I guess that's #3--being prepared.) I will NOT order anything from Wes's BBQ. Or from Jim's Razorback Pizza. Or from MoJo's or Green Submarine Gourmet Sandwiches.

I just have to wag my finger at that "feelings" side of my brain and say, "I know you *think* that eating all of that will make you feel much better, but you know it isn't true. FEEL THE FEEL and then DEAL with it...some other way." All that eating/stuffing did for you before was just to make you feel realllllly good for about 10 minutes, and then you felt guilty, crappy, disgusting, bloated, fat, tired, miserable, worse than before AND STILL STRESSED!!!

How can my intellectual-know-what-is-good-for-me self and this irrational-give-me-what-I-want-and-I-will-lie-to-myself-to-get-it self co-exist in the same brain?!?

What I NEED is to pray for/about my husband's job and my soon-to-be-grown teenagers and "let go" and "let God." And...keep logging my food, making healthy choices, and then march this folder of my old favorite restaurants-that-deliver menus over to the office shredder.