jsfantome's Journal, 08 April 2011

Blessings (or good things) come in unusual packages sometimes!

I have been struggling a lot lately. How is that possible, you ask??? Well, too often I find myself looking in the mirror as I get dressed and think to myself - "still not a fan!"

Why do I 'dislike' my appearance so much? From the little chub on my hips... you know the part that bulges out over the top of your low riders ... to the thighs on my jeans having to be super skin tight in order to get the waist to fit ... otherwise I have a 2 inch gap in the back of my pants that a belt makes look ridiculous! Women are fickle to begin with... but I am positive that I have beaten up my self image for sooooo long, that my brain does not see what is really there.

Then I get on the scale and up it goes. Then down. Back up. AAAGGGHHH! It's so frustrating. Can't get back to the 140 mark no matter how hard I try.

Then to make matters worse, I do the worst thing a woman could do... and I ask my husband "does this make me look fat?" question.

God love this man! He has said no at 205, and at every number in between... so part of me thinks "he's a liar" - because I know I looked fat before. What I can't tell is what I really look like NOW!

So then I went shopping -

I didn't have any of this in my head at the time, I just was looking for a couple of things, as we are taking a trip soon and I don't have a lot of 'left over' clothes from last summer. Tried on a couple of walking shorts and a skort (thinking these would be the most comfortable to buzz around in) and found a couple of cute short sleeve shirts to mix and match stuff with.

Thing is when I try on clothes, I typically look at the item, like the material in the thighs for example - and figure out which one I think will likely fit. I WAS WRONG ON EVERY COUNT!

Started out trying on size 10 (which I didn't know was a ten, cause I don't like to look at the tags - years of depression, I guess) And I was surprised that the first ones I picked out didn't fit (too big), so I went back to the rack and changed them all out (this is when I read the tags) to size 8. They were also too big. So after trying on the tops, I went back and grabbed the two that I really liked in a size 6, then went back in and tried those on. OH MY HEAD! They fit. And not tight or sausage stuffing looking...but really nice looking. That was me, standing in a dressing room w/ a size 6 shorts on - from two entirely different manufactures (goes against all odds!) and liking the way I look.

I stood there thinking about the very beginning of this journey for me... the crying and the issues I dealt with in a dressing room when size 16 was soooo tight that an 18 or 20 was in my near future, and I broke down.

So I went out on the floor and grabbed a 16 - back in the dressing room - and put them on... and that's where the BLESSING came in!!!

It was liberating! Freeing! I twirled around and laughed and cried, and was so incredibly mesmorized at the huge gap of fabric and space not filled. I actually did this. I changed who I am. What I look like. And how I feel about myself.

I came home and told my husband this story - and told him how much I appreciate all his years of 'no, honey...you look fabulous to me!' but I won't be needing those anymore! I won't be asking anymore. Something in the confidence dept got boosted yesterday, and I am serious... this was the most INVIGORATING moment of the entire journey sooooo far!

I am blessed... and highly favored! And so are you.

That's the moral of my story. I am nobody special... and I KNOW in my heart that if I can do this... YOU can do this. Think forward to your own MONUMENTAL moment - when you can dance like a child - and be free in your own skin - like yourself - be happy w/ who you are, and how you look!!! And never give up! One day at a time - and even if overall it takes two years... so what! It's been a long journey for me... but I don't care... look where I am NOW!!!

Much Love, Paula