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20 February 2020

things are a little better.. my son (17) has a psychiatrist appointment today to adjust his meds. Husband is getting off work early to come. I've been having my son take his meds in front of me to make sure he takes them. so it's a little less stressful... I still cry here and there over what happend.... but.... all you can do is keep trying right?

my dog is still coughing cause of her heartworm.... she starts treatment soon.. somehow I'll have to stop this hyper girl from running for two months or the treatment will cause an embolism and kill her. but hopefully all will go well and I can finally sign papers to adopt her.....

I think after luna (the dog) is better I'll start painting shelter dogs and try to sell those painting to raise money for this shelter.

my husband's grandfather died recently, still dealing with that grief as well.... he would call me once a month when I first moved to the u.s.a. to make sure I was adjusting. he would also come visit me weekly when we moved close by and I had my baby.... he made more effort than my own family did.... and now hes gone. he was near his mid 90's and had cancer so it's to be expected... but still not easy.

my friend, who is very involved In her religion (christianity), asks me how I deal. she says she would be praying and going to church but i just have... nothing.... i tried to explain that i just dont believe in giving up...even when I really want to... just keep working...and I believe in souls and a higher power of sorts..I just dont think they are involved in our personal day to day life. I think we should still do the right things. I think doing the wrong things is a blemish on the soul..... but essentially just keep trying.

right now I think I really need to focus on my food and weight.... not only for health... my chronic Illnesses....the major surgery I need..... but to even just simply have some control over something.

I cant control anything that's happening around me....the deaths, the suicide attempts, the illnesses.... but I can control if I have a bag of almonds or just 10.
if I eat a cake.....or eggs.....

I need this control more than I need weight loss I think.... atleast right now.

gotta keep working right? never stop working at something... because when you do .....the sadness comes and takes over....

and right now, I'm holding my whole family together (shakily at best) ... and I cant break. I just can't.

Weigh-in: 258.6 lb

lost so far: 17.2 lb

still to go: 58.6 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(4 comments) losing 2.8 lb a week

18 February 2020

my son is having issues. had has major depressive disorder.... it's been a rough day.. barely ate ... .no one should have to wake up everyday wondering if their kid is alive or not. ... one step at a time I guess.

Weigh-in: 259.4 lb

lost so far: 16.4 lb

still to go: 59.4 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(17 comments) losing 1.9 lb a week

15 February 2020

Weigh-in: 260.2 lb

lost so far: 15.6 lb

still to go: 60.2 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(5 comments) losing 22.4 lb a week

14 February 2020

Ok... its valentine's day 2020.
I met my friend for lunch at McDonald's so the kids could play and I got a salad and coffee.
Then we took the kids to little gym.
Then to Walmart to get stuff for the family.
I had some sugar free peanut butter cups and a diet dr.pepper. normally I'm against fake sugar but... I'm just coming off of a fatty binge so I'm trying to be kind to myself.

For dinner I had green beans and shrimp.
Theres a dozen donuts in front of me and a batch of cookies on the stove. I havent touched any of it.

My joints are all screaming. My knees feel terrible. My hands hurt. My guts hurt (endo adhesions were pulled causing inflammation), my back is in awful shape. But I still made it out of the house and walked around the store.

I'm sure my knees will feel better with some losses.... but that pain probably wont get better till I lose 15 or 20 pounds.

I gotta eat cleaner and see if that helps the joint pain. I am gluten intolerant and if I have anything related to wheat I cant walk the next day due to joint pain..... so I should eat at home more so I know what's happening to my food.

My back.. well I need to do the back exercises that I know will help.

And I need to do light stretching yoga to help with the full body's cramps and muscle spasms.

Sure is a lot of work being chronically ill. And somedays it all hurts too much and makes we wonder why I bother trying to go on.

I've lived my life in constant pain since about 17. Doctors never listened. Told me I was crazy or attention seeking.
Finally was diagnosed with endometriosis then I learned how it ripps your life apart. I looked back and realized all the complaints I had were all symptoms.
There is no cure.
The best treatment you can get is excision surgery....

I'm fat.
I have central sleep apnea and obstructive.

I need to lose weight and get as healthy as I can to lessen my apnea symptoms and increase the positive benefits of excision surgery.

I have to stay on track this time to get any sort of pain relief. Cause right now, if it weren't for my family, I wouldn't bother living like this....

I have to keep trying.

(2 comments)

14 February 2020

so yeah, I know weight loss is primarily about what you eat (or dont) ..... but to maintain your loss is supposed to be more about exercise.

what do disabled people do?

I'm having a hard time walking or doing anything for that matter due to chronic Illnesses. then I get depressed because somedays I cant even..leave the house.... or my bed..

depression leads to giving up and finding comfort in anything (I.e. ice cream)

finding the will to struggle with food in a body that's screaming in pain is becoming increasingly difficult. .. I am never comfortable. I am never without pain. I hope to lose weight to help it.... but I also know the last time I did and my center of gravity shifted it caused more back pain.

anyone have some inspirational stories?

maybe i should just accept that life is pain. theres no cure. but eating healthy is never a bad idea..... it's better in the long run I guess.

Weigh-in: 263.4 lb

lost so far: 12.4 lb

still to go: 63.4 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(3 comments) steady weight

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