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23 May 2020

I dont know.... I can be 10 pounds heavier tomorrow the way I fluctuate.

Weigh-in: 256.6 lb

lost so far: 19.2 lb

still to go: 56.6 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(5 comments) losing 0.9 lb a week

01 May 2020

why? how? how do I fluctuate so much all the time... you know what kills my motivation? a sudden 4-6 pounds that appear sometimes literally overnight. I know the body is a stupid weird thing that does weird things..... but that coupled with comments from my husband "man it will take you like 7 years to fit into this again"..... "dont wiggle on the machine, like, the thing can only handle so much" ...... among others.....

I feel like crap.

I struggle with chronic Illnesses and pain.
all the time...."well if you lost weight youd feel better"..... sure... granted....but its fucking hard.... it's hard when I feel like knives are cutting down the sides of my legs, plus the sciatica... the nerve damage that makes my leg feel like it's on fire... the chronic debilitating fatigue..... the adhesions from my organs sticking togther and when it pulls or tears the crippling pain is causes.

it's all excuses... it's all a scape goat....

yeah.... I eat less than my husband, I'll gain weight still.....

I exercise more than him.... I'm a blob.

I try to love myself anyway? negative comments about my body.....

I want to go to college again. for nursing.... I want to work in a pain clinic..... I want my own money.. I want the option of being able to support myself again like when I lived in Canada. I keep tagging along behind someone else's dream...someone who I dont think understands me....

when i say something hurts my feelings....its turned around so I'm the idiot..... so theres no point in saying anything...... 10 years of biting my tongue.

and when things go bad.... I want to control my food so I can control something....ANYTHING in my life......

how do you motivate yourself without hate?

my mom always told me to get angry .... use the anger...... so when i lost 50... i was angry and i stayed angry for like 9 months...

but no one can stay angry forever....
weighing less only took my pain down a few levels for a little while.... then my center of gravity shifted...and so did my spine... and it was excruciating. I'm afraid of that honestly.... even though I havent known life without pain since I was 18.... the thought of more or worse pain? that's definitely a real fear I have

I'm upset with my "support system" .. I hear more negative than positive to the point that I do not believe any positive remark at all... I think it's a joke....just more sarcasm.

I'm upset with myself... why cant I do what I've done before? why is it so hard now? i know what to do... I've literally done this!! why cant i make myself follow my own stupid rules that I know work.

I'm furious with this stupid meat sack I have to live in.... it never frigging works, it hurts, it rebel and makes me feel helpless.... i had some prednisone a few weeks ago for pneumonia and it cleared up all my inflammation..... god that felt good... I could move!!... pain clinic said theres nothing like that they can give me full time..... i wish i never felt it at all... i had forgotten what it felt like to be normal....

everyday I just want to go to some cave...and just die.... how much more am i supposed to fight? for what....

I guess I have to fight ...... having kids kinda makes you do that.... i have to get healthy to have surgery, get to college and feel like I'm worth something again.....to have options.... to have a choice or say in my own life and not just be a side character in someone else's show.

sorry for the long depressing post... but... I got no where else to talk.

I try to do nice things... make masks for my friends and their parents.. make bags for homeless people with food, money, clothes, toiletries.... donate to the animal shelter... hold doors open... help the elderly load groceries........my friends say "Sarahs doing that thing again" when I go overboard doing nice stuff.....i try and always smile and keep people afloat, just whatever I can do to help...............................................
but I'm fucking dying....
a nothing, nobody... I'm not living how I should and I dont know how to claw my way out of this tar pit right now...

I'd delete this whole thing... but maybe its motivation? ... .maybe...

theres a way out of the tar pit right? .... gotta believe so anyway..... just keep working.... dont stop working.... mindlessly work...... go though the motions enough times and maybe it will click......

Weigh-in: 259.4 lb

lost so far: 16.4 lb

still to go: 59.4 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(31 comments) gaining 5.3 lb a week

27 April 2020

Weigh-in: 256.4 lb

lost so far: 19.4 lb

still to go: 56.4 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

add comment losing 1.8 lb a week

23 April 2020

Weigh-in: 257.4 lb

lost so far: 18.4 lb

still to go: 57.4 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(4 comments) losing 0.2 lb a week

09 March 2020

I've been sick since February 20th. it's hard to breathe and I'm taking steroids and a steroid inhaler plus a bunch of other things. I cough so hard I nearly faint. so obviously I've been more concerned with that than diet... hard to plan meals when I'm so tired I cant get out of bed.... I miss the person I was in 2016. before the pain and sickness got worse.... before a cold could knock me out for a month.... I'm so tired.

with any exercise I feel like it takes days to recover. so much fatigue I cant think straight. ... hard to stand long enough to cook a meal.....

but "no cure" doesn't mean "no treatment".... I have to make myself try again and keep trying .... up hill battle or not.... I atleast want to just feel ok.... be able to do normal things without hitting the fatigue wall or the pain wall.... then get stuck in the loop of pain meds and wanting to think clearly...

I have to try.

I have to try to eat healthy... to lose 15% body weight so I can have surgery safely.

Weigh-in: 258.6 lb

lost so far: 17.2 lb

still to go: 58.6 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(3 comments) gaining 0.4 lb a week

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