Miraculum's Journal, 06 April 2019

The rest of the "other shoe" has finally dropped, as I knew it had to. My weight gain reflects two weeks of playing around. I hate seeing that weight graph -- the objective, unyielding witness to my weakness.

I must confess that, over the past several days, my sweet tooth finally retook total control after I toyed with, taunted, and tempted it with my little "treats."

I simply cannot play a game of tag with my sugar/chocolate addiction and expect to escape unscathed, to never be "it" -- "it" being consumed by the obsession with and compulsion to binge, and do so alone. Last night, it was after 10:30 p.m., alone in my car. I didn't even post my meal plan for today after I got home.

I keep posting my research to encourage myself as much as (if not more than) others here who struggle. I post my periodic failures to, in part, purge myself of the guilt and shame I feel during and after a binge, and to begin again -- no -- continue my journey to health and wholeness.

I simply must weigh every day to stay alert and on track, and to remind myself of my mission every single day. No more of this "once a week" stuff.
224.0 lb Lost so far: 61.0 lb.    Still to go: 56.0 lb.    Diet followed poorly.

Diet Calendar Entries for 06 April 2019:
2390 kcal Fat: 154.61g | Prot: 68.14g | Carb: 190.83g.   Breakfast: Countryside Creamery Heavy Whipping Cream, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Safeway Stevia, Water. Lunch: Boar's Head London Broil Cap-off Top Round Oven Roasted Beef, Water. Dinner: Trader Giotto's Fettuccine Alfredo, Kroger Garlic Bread, Dove Original Chocolate with Vanilla Ice Cream Bars. more...
4844 kcal Activities & Exercise: Resting - 1 hour, Cleaning - 5 hours, Watching TV/Computer - 6 hours, Sleeping - 6 hours, Reading - 6 hours. more...
on diet LCHF: Low carb, High fat / Ketogenic Diet   gaining 31.5 lb a week

21 Supporters    Support   

1 to 20 of 31
Hugs! You came here and you wrote it down. That is a very good beginning 
06 Apr 19 by member: liv001
We all must figured out what actually works for us and apply it towards our own goals...Im a monthly one to weigh but I do measure most the time and watch my numbers that way inches ...sounds to me you know what you need to do for yourself to stay on track...;) 
06 Apr 19 by member: maxie4
Just log your food and move on, we all make mistakes  
06 Apr 19 by member: Keilin_4
Mira- you have so much knowledge and have all the tools in your tool box to fix this and be successful in your journey. There is something going on in your life that triggers the binges. It might be an addiction to sugar or it might be something else. i know you are a steadfast believer in keto. But maybe a different diet that allowed you to satisfy the need for some sugar coming from fruits and veggies might be a better option for you. I think many can relate that sometimes when a diet is so restrictive it just makes you crave and want the things you have told yourself you can't have even more. I know you will figure this out !!!  
06 Apr 19 by member: gogogirl59
@gogogirl59, since I'm a T2 diabetic, carbs from any source have to be limited. (Of course, if I was jonesing for carby *fruit and vegetables*, I'd be better off weight-wise! But my need for injected insulin would be the same. I do eat berries with real whipped cream. I think I have to plan them into my day more often. Often, they're an afterthought.  
06 Apr 19 by member: Miraculum
As I've said to myself so many times, "Knowledge is not my problem." Commitment, discipline, and follow-through is my downfall. I was very disciplined throughout my school years and for most of my work life: early for everything, perfectionist, super-conscientious. However, in 2000, when my marriage fell apart, I suffered a deep and prolonged depression and developed an unwillingness to put forth *any* effort: "Where did all that get me? I just don't give a sh!t anymore!" I went through a rebellious phase that I *should* have experienced in my teens, I guess. And even though I recovered from the depression, the lazy habits I developed stuck.  
06 Apr 19 by member: Miraculum
I'm not even logging my food today. Starting again tomorrow. I'm taking an overnight trip, 3 hours away. to meet my best friend. She'll be in town for a work conference. We're going to meet around 2:30 p.m., when she arrives, and spend the rest of the afternoon and evening together. She has a breakfast meeting at 8:00 a.m. Monday and I'll drive back home in time for my nephrology follow-up at 2:00 p.m. Linda and I used to spend talk long hours over pots of tea, so I'm bringing a teapot and a supply of tea, heavy cream, and stevia! 
06 Apr 19 by member: Miraculum
You’re good!! You can get right back. ❤️ 
06 Apr 19 by member: jcmama777
Learning how to take care of ourselves is hard. Some of us have a harder time of it. I know you can figure it out, not just with your head, but also with your heart. ❤  
06 Apr 19 by member: Becc@
I would never consider knowledge to be any sort of problem just by reading your post...and I understand what your saying...my reasons are in a milder form but they lay there waiting to appear at times ...I do feel that getting to goal for me is fairly easy but continuing and maintaining for a lifetime is just more difficult... I get what I have settle for....trying not to settle in the fall/winter months just to devour it all ;)  
06 Apr 19 by member: maxie4
This was a success if you properly logged everything. There is so much "Theory" out there that I sometimes forget that looking at *my scientific data* that applies to *me* will let me see EXACTLY what works for me or doesn't. But, to do that I need to log when things work AND don't work. I must experience success AND failure and carefully log it. ALL data is valuable if we later take the time to look at it. Good luck! 
06 Apr 19 by member: adefwebserver
I have been there many times. But nevet quit. Once I began doing it over and over again eventually I will get there! You can do this. I love me some chocolate so I had to find treats that was lower in calories or enjoy the natural sweetness of fruit. I do have a cheat meal every now and then. Every day will be a challenge 
06 Apr 19 by member: eatolive4life
Mira- I am not educated enough in diabetes to offer any real help. The closest personal relationship I have had with it was a best friend in high school took shots daily. It was all a blur back then and I was too young to really understand what it meant. I was only suggesting that maybe allowing a little bit more of the sugar in the form of fruit and veg on a daily basis would eliminate the binge. go from there and reduce more gradually to eliminate completely. Your will power and determination is so admirable. I wish I could offer more.... 
06 Apr 19 by member: gogogirl59
Hugs...I too am up three lbs after a salt and sugar binge last night. The struggle is real. We'll pick ourselves and carry on. It's the shame and guilt that will weigh us down in the long run.  
06 Apr 19 by member: shiny50
I could almost bet that the ratio here of getting a hold of the concept... then reaching your goal …. and after just maintaining their goal for life isn't as high as we believe ...many many here over the years have a restart record of several restarts of not staying with the plan.... 
06 Apr 19 by member: maxie4
@maxie4 - I agree. While people 'desire' to hit a goal weight and just stay there, the 'cycle of life' tends to always have 'highs and lows'. It can't be 'summer' all year long... :) 
06 Apr 19 by member: adefwebserver
That's a great quote, Adef, and damn true.  
06 Apr 19 by member: Phil.tx
Mira try to record it. I can't possibly know everything going on in your heart and mind but there's an old saying, "we're only as sick as the secrets we keep". You're right, you are quite knowledgeable and a great source of information. But that doesn't make you perfect or immune. I know that feeling on nights when I go over my RDI I want to leave it off the diary. But it's my diary and this is my healing. It's the same for you. Don't hide. You've confessed. Quite unnecessarily but if it helps you then I applaud you. Work through these spells with data and full disclosure. Maybe seeing it in print will help you recognize exactly where the wheels fell off. 
06 Apr 19 by member: FullaBella
Recording is SO important but I think we all have days where we just don’t want to. Try to anyway as you might need to look back on it in the future. I too find daily weigh ins work best for me. I tend to stress all week about what the scale will say otherwise. As to your treats, some people just can have them. I couldn’t live without them but some days it is a struggle to stop at one or not eat the whole bag. Perhaps there’s something else you could find as a treat. Perhaps a favorite veggie or a piece of warm buttered toast (another thing I’d eat too much of if I wasn’t too lazy to get up and make two more pieces lol). Cheese and chips is another of my favorites that I can easily overeat. Most of the people I talk with about these things think I’m nuts. ‘How can you overeat cheese?’ It’s easier than they think lol. Sorry you had a bad week and hopefully this next week will be much better for you and your way of eating! 
07 Apr 19 by member: peeperjj
I have decided as FullaBella and Peeperjjthar yes recording honestly is the key. Every bite of food recorded and premeasured. I bought new measuring cups and spoons, so if some r in the dish washer, I still have no excuse to just guess. FullaBella... very motivational comments 
07 Apr 19 by member: justdoit!


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LCHF: Low carb, High fat / Ketogenic Diet

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