Miraculum's Journal, 14 August 2017

Reflection.

As a child, I was the stereotypical "oldest child": eager to please, responsible, very well-behaved, punctual, a quick and diligent student ... even if I *was* a "cry baby"! (I was *very* sensitive!) All this was not out of guilt or fear. It came easily!

I was never "popular" in the ways that mean so much to some little girls -- and many teenage ones -- but I discovered early on the pleasant feelings (the "intrinsic value," in psychological terms) of pleasing my parents, grandparents, and teachers. So, that's where I concentrated my efforts.

I did get an excellent education that ultimately served me and people I've been able to help.

However, divorce and bankruptcy in the early 2000's triggered a severe depression that hollowed me out. Almost everything I'd built [ahem] "single-handedly" was destroyed. All I had left was my job (barely made it to early retirement!) and my faith in God.

Well, that's all He needed to rearrange me, in my heart. And I let Him.

But it's taking more time to rearrange the rest of me. No matter how far I've come in such a short time in restoring my physical health, it is *so* easy to slip back.

Less often now, but still, I sometimes slip into "brat" mode, a reaction to many decades of people-pleasing, I think. Today was one of those days! I just decided to "ignore" everything I know about my own health.

I wasn't hungry at all today, even though I'd eaten less than a couple of ounces of leftover pork loin and had just a couple of cups of coffee, and nibbled through 38g of empty carbs. So, why didn't I test my BS till early afternoon? By then, it was still "only" 147 mg/dL.

On a whim, we went out for Chinese food at one of our neighborhood spots around 7:00. It had been soooooo long since we'd indulged in one of our favorite places! I still wasn't really hungry! I was careful to leave about two-thirds of the white rice that came with my chicken and broccoli stir-fry!

I was feeling mighty virtuous! Wasn't I *almost* fasting?! It's true what "they" say: "Pride goeth before the fall!" ("They" is "He," the Word: Proverbs 16:18.)

When I tested my BS after dinner, it was 241 mg/dL -- totally off the charts compared to the normal levels *I* had "achieved" over these past six weeks.

It was just after 9:00 p.m. when I took my oral meds and supplements and injected the first doses of Humalog and Levemir (insulin).

This is not the way it's done, folks. It's the way it comes undone!

Well, tomorrow ... is ... another ... day! God's been fairly tolerant of my fits of brattiness up to now, allow me to live long enough to fix many thing. Tonight, I pray God to allow me the another "do over."

Diet Calendar Entries for 14 August 2017:
1308 kcal Fat: 63.98g | Prot: 61.29g | Carb: 127.31g.   Breakfast: Pork Loin (Tenderloin). Dinner: Chicken or Turkey and Vegetables in Soy-Based Sauce (Mixture), Egg Roll with Chicken or Turkey, White Rice (Long-Grain, Cooked). Snacks/Other: Choc Zero Chocolate, Lifesavers Pep-O-Mint Mints, Savoritz Original Buttery Round Crackers, Peaches, Harris Teeter Lite Whipped Topping. more...
2396 kcal Activities & Exercise: Resting - 18 hours, Sleeping - 6 hours. more...
on diet Miraculum's own diet  

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Comments 
I like your the way you tell your story. It's as if walking along side of you during the day. I think we all have those moments where we suspend our beliefs and act as we are invincible. Who knows why. Last year I went months without testing , eating too much and just thinking I need to finish A, B and C. Now, I look back and think how goofy. but, you are right, Thank God, tomorrow is another chance to do something healthy - Go For It!  
14 Aug 17 by member: perks54
Self care is so often ...simple but not easy? Especially with "gifted child" (from Alice Miller) backgrounds. 
14 Aug 17 by member: T8U9
You better believe it, Perks! I lived for *years* on the banks of Denial till reality bit me in the asp! 
14 Aug 17 by member: Miraculum
As a first born, I could relate with much of your story...I also could identify with your rationale as to why "we deserve" to eat things we know better than to...and yes, our God is merciful, loving, and easily forgives. This is a day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice in it AND give thanks that his mercies are new each day. We will succeed! 
15 Aug 17 by member: 2227Gwen
I find it is much easier to let myself down, to break a promise to myself, than it is to anyone else. 
15 Aug 17 by member: jaime30024
Hi I am also diabetic and have recently went off of my insulin due to my diet changes. I have reduced my calorie intake from 4000 calories down to around a 1000 calories a day. My BS went down with my calories now I am averaging 113 mg/dl at my check times. My weight has been staying around 290 for the past few weeks I hope it starts going down again.  
15 Aug 17 by member: Daniel McClain
I too, have a "snarky inner child" that at times cannot be consoled and leaves me with little consolation.  
15 Aug 17 by member: Egull1
Hey, Daniel ... Congrats on your 50-pound weight loss and controlling your BS. You've done it nine years earlier than I was able to -- nearly a decade more "life"! It takes guts to do that! (I'm off metformin and 90% of my insulin, and dropped a few other meds!)  
15 Aug 17 by member: Miraculum
Hi Miraculum, Sounds like you are doing well I am so glad. It is nice to be able to get off of some of the meds. I would like to be off of all my meds but alas I have to stay on the ones I am taking for now. LOL 
15 Aug 17 by member: Daniel McClain

     
 

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