FullaBella's Journal, 07 November 2013

Here's an interesting self body image for you: a big old rusty iron safe. That's what I felt like last night as I read one of my friends blogs at a binge behavior website. Her article touched upon the interesting combination of when trying to heal one's eating disorder still collides with being concerned with weight and size. You know those old western movies where the safe crackers listen close to hear the tumblers fall in place? I felt like another of mine had done the same.

You see, I too go along for days and continue to work on 'Making Peace with Myself' but then I do something stupid and forget healing the eating disorder may very well NOT directly result in weight loss. I have to remind myself I have a bigger stake in all of this than the next smaller size or weight class. In the center of the table I'm wagering my pride and emotions.

In fact, the hardest disorder I fight right now is not eating LESS just to get that scale to move. I am determined to continue in this holding pattern of EWYL and let the healthy chips fall where they may.

I remember my history enough to know that I could easily go back to counting calories and drop my intake down under a thousand and take off another 15 to 20lbs. But the questions being whispered to me as I make it through one more day at a time without a binge, purge or starvation are, "Is it worth it? Why is that number or size better than where you are now?"

Ironic universe in which I live, I found my pedometer this morning by accident. I couldn't find it when I was in one of the many recent challenges I finally abandoned. I joined those when my buddies sent me invites, I considered it kind and caring of them to include me. I found the stories interesting and inspiring. But I really have to, for my own mental and emotional safety, avoid any challenge that includes goals to 'walk Xmany steps a day, reduce intake by Ycalorie and lose Zpounds in Zmonths.'

When I found the pedometer I thought, 'cool, I'll clip it on anyway and see how many steps I DO make in an average day here in Bellawood.' BUT without even taking a deep breath that VOICE chimed in and made some reference to 'stepping it up so as to turn up the metabolism and get the weight loss train back on the track.' It wasn't that jumbled in my head - it was like point A to point Z in a split second but in the end, that was the conclusion.

I like that I walk to the market to pick up my produce and other places in town simply because it gets me out of the house and combines a little quiet thinking time with fresh air. I like that I'm not going through my closet ready to throw away my summer clothes because I do hope to be in the same size next year whether I'm still wearing the same style or not. I like that when I eat I'm not measuring food to the exact gram, wondering if I should go for the yogurt versus cottage cheese because of fat content or any of the other insane restrictive things I did in the past just to keep that scale moving.

I'm beginning to accept that my scale was reincarnated from a metronome as I watch that needle swing back and forth like a pendulum. I can handle the vagueness of the scale as I continue to take inventory of my whole self.

And with the power of positive thinking and sending my prayers to the universe, I believe that someday all of those tumblers will fall into place and a happy sane Bella will step out from behind the finally unlocked door.

Thank you for stopping by,
Bells

174.0 lb Lost so far: 111.0 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.