FullaBella's Journal, 05 July 2013

Friday July 5th. Today is Mushy-face's birthday (my little baby dog) - she's 5 years old.

Yesterday I walked around downtown but everyone was closed so it felt like a ghost town; you'd expect to see a tumbleweed roll down the street. Nonetheless it reconfirmed my instinct to stay closed as well. The only place open was the market so I picked up fresh shrimp, beef and a slew of vegetables and grilled ka-bobs for the three of us.

It's either the mere suggestion of it or an actual physiological response to the new RX but I really haven't had much of an appetite these past few days. I even tested it with visual cues at the market yesterday by lingering and looking at different tempting foods trying to spark a 'yum - I want that' response. That's ok. I'm sure it will return soon and have no worries that I'll starve in the meantime.

The lack of appetite helped me stay on plan with refrigerator reform; I had a bit of cabin fever once it warmed too much to stay out on the deck yesterday and went to Big-Mart to pick up staples (water, paper towels, etc). I managed to make it out of there with only one fresh produce item: a bag of cherries.

I'm sure my little neighborhood market carries bottled water but I don't want to have to carry a 25lb case of water while walking. And yes, it's interesting to note I carried four times that much on my body less than a year ago but it wasn't all at the end of my arms or on my shoulders.

Other than that I spent as much of the day as possible outside yesterday and again this morning before opening the shop. I thought about taking my netbook out there and journaling - I'd probably churn out a much more positive journal but then again I like to keep my yard an electronic free zone as I ground and recharge my body, mind and soul.

Stretched out in my lounge chair I usually close my eyes and pretend I'm on the private balcony to my spacious suite on the top deck of a cruise ship. One that allows pets (as Mushy is usually curled up with me), provides a personal valet and forbids any electronic noise. Sitting up at the table this morning I again closed my eyes and envisioned myself enjoying a full pot of coffee, uninterrupted, at an outdoor cafe in Italy. The church bells chiming from a block away were perfect.

Speaking of coffee, I finally solved the mystery of the 'great cup when at the hotel'. It wasn't the maker, brand nor creamer. It was the size of the cup. Duh me. This morning I only half filled my huge 'home' mug while another pot was brewing; it was fantastic. Of course, that makes for an interesting metaphor about portion control in all things, doesn't it?

In addition to my fantasy cruise I also spent some time meditating on my possibilities. I know I cannot predict the future but I am trying to hold the thought in my head that if I can imagine it firmly enough I can possibly steer it. I know, a little touchy-feely in the vein of 'the secret' but surely there's more of a benefit to imagine the positive future than dwell on the negative past.

I closed my eyes and projected forward two years. I am not wishing the next two years away but I'm trying to build a foundation for a period to come that doesn't repeat the past I've known. Two years from now will be beyond the time that I normally 'regain' all of the weight I've fought to lose. So in my mental building plan I envision two years from now I'm 54 years old, normal weight, average and just walking around. No extreme energy but not as fatigued as I've felt lately. I could see me in comfortable but average clothes.

The clothing was interesting as it just fit loose but comfortable. Non-descript but to borrow a phrase from a friends journal, it was as if my life finally fit me, or I finally fit my life.

I never quite made it to my face to determine if I was happy, sad, in turmoil or at peace. I think that is telling and plan to explore that more. I'm not a person who smiles naturally although I do laugh easily. Smiling always feels forced. I may practice forcing it a bit to see what happens.

Hope you all have a wonderful day.

Bella

181.0 lb Lost so far: 104.0 lb.    Still to go: 1.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.