madaboutmoose's Journal, 30 April 2009

remember: there is no hurry. :) It is so hard, I know. But, your progress is more than average! Keep in mind that you motivate, inspire and encourage many people in their daily lives to make better choices. One day, I know you will be comfortable in your own skin. (I will be too. lol). 

You are doing so well by staying strong and learning from your past experiences. I am so proud of you! This part of your journal really hit home for me- "I have been here before. I do not want to repeat old patterns because I know the old patterns are what have caused me to stay on my yo-yo course throughout my life. I don't know if feeling tired is part of it or not. Or if it is some subconscious way of self sabotage." This is EXACTLY how I feel! I am at a crucial time as well. I have seen 161 in the past, and for some reason I just cant make the scale budge down to 159! I get so discouraged that I have given up and sabotaged myself. But we wont be doing that anymore. You inspire me so much, carol! Your wisdom is genuine. You KNOW what you are talking about; you have been through this before. You keep your head held high. Think about how wonderful you feel. Feel how much happier you are when you are practicing a healthy life style, and you cannot fail.  

Thank you ladies!! Indeed. There is no hurry. And indeed I am much happier when I am practicing a healthy life style. I am humbled. I can't imagine that I could really "motivate, inspire, or encourage" anyone to make better choices in regards to food, nutrition or eating!! I think to myself ... good grief ... I'm 51 and still figuring this out??? But I so hope that some of you young whippersnappers can figure this out quicker than me!!! I would have been so much happier at a younger age had I just been kinder to myself and cared as much about me as I cared about others. Thank you so much!!! Your encouragement of me is so important!! I love you guys!!! 

Don't feel too bad about having got to 51 and still not figured it out. I'm 66 and still wandering round the maze! lol 

I could have written your journal today. I am also struggling, so my dear buddy, what's our problem??? I have been indulging. You are holding out. I did not make my pudding, shame on me. I am so bone weary exhausted and I think that is part of my problem. I am absorbing all the posts you received today as I am sure you are. For me at 4:00 p.m., today is over and right this moment is my new day. And a cup of hot tea sounds good to me right now. We all help one another so much but we all struggle from time to time. FS to me is like therapy not just for losing our weight but for discovering why it is we gained in the first place and why we struggle so to lose it and how we can keep it off. Keep the faith you and I will make this work. ((hugs)) 

The Pirsig quote comes with a whole bunch of metaphysics. Pirsig has a theory about "dyanamic" and "static" quality. Its too long to get fully into here but suffice to say dynamic is when things are changing or new, think a new song. You love it, its easy to listen again and again. When you are losing that is dynamic...but guess what...you can't stay dynamic all the time. Impossible. That song loses its initial appeal...its still a good song and you like it but its not the same. That's when the static quality has to come in. You just celebrated an anniversary and I bet you have loads of static quality with hubby. Anniversaries require static quality. Dynamic sometimes...static most times. Pirsig also talks about what he calls a "static latch"...this is the time when a dynamic change is going to make itself permanent or lasting or it is going to lapse back. You can think mutations if you are a evolution person. Many don't make it...in fact most don't..they are dynamic changes without static latches. Well you have been on a dynamic tear. Now comes the time where something more static has to take over...a latching point perhaps. This does not in any way preclude more dynamic change in the future and guess what...its NECESSARY. In the past this latching time has always been my downfall. I hit that number and then back we go. Ease into it. Let it be and no spazzing. Swim around here a while...the water's fine. Best Jim  

I like what you said about subconsciously sabotaging yourself. I often feel the closer to my goal I get the more I fight with thinking I may be self sabotaging. You are doing great though, hang it you can do it! 

Much food for thought. I like the metaphysics explanation. My training is in systems theory as a family therapist so believe it or not, what Jim said makes a lot of sense to me. I never really thought about my weight loss journey in that sense before coming here. So, thanks Jim. You ALWAYS give me something good to chew on ... LOL!! Not that I want any of my buddies here to struggle but it also helps to know that I am not alone. This IS a tough spot for me. It IS the place where I typically lapse back. I do not want to do it again. Enough is enough is enough is enough already!!!! And of course ... creeping into it is the old negative thought patterns about not being able to reach my goal. What is this is as good as it gets, etc. and so forth. Well, I guess if this is as good as it gets it is pretty damn good!!! I'm doing my best to swim around in this and not let it freak me out. Today was easier by far than the last couple of days. I still find myself wanting to stay home (where I safely don't have as many food choices) but I'm making conscious decisions to go out, enjoy myself, and learn how to live as a "normal weight" person. Well, okay ... according to the powers that be I am technically OVERWEIGHT but whatever!!! I don't care about that. And static qualities are certainly not all bad!!! I REFUSE to lapse into old habits just because I am uncomfortable right now. Again, thanks to all of you and we'll all just keep journeying along, supporting each other and learning from each other. Thanks for taking the time ... you are each close to my heart!! 

I usually lapse back just when I'm close to a goal, too. I think it is some kind of self-sabotage as well. I have even talked about this with a therapist. Never got to the bottom of it though. :( Maybe I am afraid of reaching the goal because, in typical therapy talk, I don't feel I deserve it? I don't deserve to feel good about myself? Or maybe it's because beating myself up is something I do very well and I always like to give myself a good reason to be mad at myself? Regardless, it's important to know this is a hard spot and to work through it here.  

yes ... let's all work through this ... separately ... together!!