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Need coffee!!!!
Okay. I have coffee now.
Good Morning!! I got through the day yesterday and even remembered to step on the scale this morning. It was a lower number than yesterday which serves to remind me that I DO NOT have a body that is destined to hold tightly to every single little pound!!
I'm not feeling great this morning. I think it is one of the menopausal symptoms ... the headaches. I feel icky a lot lately. Icky physically. I often wake up with an achy head, like this morning, or wake up in the middle of the night not feeling well. LOL!! Actually I wake up 3 or 4 times every night with a hot flash!!! Ain't it grand to be a woman??
However, I don't feel AWFUL ... just so-so!!! Good news!!!
The trees are frosted with white this morning, not from frost but actual snow!! Just a little skiff of the white stuff floating around the air but it is actually here.
I'm meeting a girlfriend for coffee at 1 pm this afternoon in town. I need to start thinking about what to pack for my trip next week. Especially what I will wear on Wednesday when I find myself sitting in front of 37 people, sharing where I am "stuck" in my work in a demonstration of Reflective Supervision. YIKES!!! The kinds of things I volunteer for ... someone should have my head examined!! I just want to make sure I feel comfortable in my clothes.
And so ... grateful I will be again ...
1. for words of wisdom and encouragement from my FS buddies
2. for strong, hot coffee on a chilly morning
3. Advil ... what would I do without you?
4. seeing the excitement build in my mother's face as she nears her departure date to spend three uninterrupted months with her sister!!
5. remembering to step on the scale this morning
Have a wonderful day ... great weekend!!! I am practicing kindness towards myself. It is indeed practice. It isn't natural. I need a lot of practice!! LOL!!! I think it was Kate who wrote recently, something to the effect that life is not a race so I cannot fail. I have a fairly sensitive "failure" button. When my reserves are running low it is triggered easily. How about you? Which buttons do you find get pushed when you are run down, stressed out, not feeling well, overwhelmed, struggling ... et cetera?
Diet Calendar Entries for 13 November 2010:
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1053 kcal
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Fat: 18.76g | Prot: 90.19g | Carb: 112.10g.
Breakfast: La Tortilla Factory Low Carb Tortilla, water. Lunch: chicken breast, banana, Weight Watchers Yogurt. Dinner: Lean Cuisine Santa Fe Rice & Beans. Snacks/Other: pinot grigio. more...
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2961 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Pilates - 50 minutes, Precor Elliptical - 58 minutes, Resting - 14 hours and 12 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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 Comments
Good morning, Carol...it is so nice to be able to spend my coffee time reading the journals, and being able to include your's once again. When I get overwhelmed, run down, stressed out, feel poorly...my button is tears...all I want to do is curl up in a little, bitty ball and BAWL!!! It is cathartic, no doubt, but terribly unsettling for the people that care about me, and are witness to the mess that I become! And I look so ugly afterward...snotty nose, eyes all swollen and red, as is my nose fom blowing it, blotchy skin...ewwww, but as ugly as it makes my outside, it surely does help my inside, so from time to time I give in. And of course, there is the emotional eating....I have, at times, been crying and eating all at once. Man am I a mess...but I am getting better. Since the menopause symptoms are lessening, I find that those spells are getting further and further apart. I still cry sometimes, but I don't seem to wallow in it. And believe me that is a good thing. lol Still have the hot flashes, which I HATE, but the mood fluctuations seem to have evened out. I am so glad that you are feeling more like the "new" you again, and that you are practicing kindness toward yourself...after all you are such a kind person, and deserve to be treated as such, especially by you. Have a great weekend and I am soooo jealous of your snow. Wish it would fly here.!!
13 Nov 10 by member: ctlss
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Steph ... give it time ... I'm sure the snow will find its way to your home too!!! You share so much of yourself ... thank you!! Used to be the migraines subsided when the hot flashes increased. Not so this time. I think I might need to break down and take a pill. I'm just not feeling good still ... and I've been up 2 hours. Well I'm trying water too ... maybe I'm just dehydrated? Oh I don't like not feeling well. YUCK.
13 Nov 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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I know what you mean about the migraines...they really suck. I have my own formula for them, an Advil (or Tylenol) Allergy Sinus and 2 Excedrin Migraine...for some reason it does the trick every single time. And yes you may well be dehydrated. I know what you mean though I really hate feeling yuck..it always scares me..I worry that I am going into a Lupus flare. Sometimes I am glad when I find that it is simply that I have a bug! lol Hope that you start feeling better soon. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
13 Nov 10 by member: ctlss
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Well I don't know if it was the Maxalt I took or the water I drank or the 58 minutes on the elliptical while I finished watching "As Good As It Gets" that did the trick but I feel better!!! Yes!! That is quite a cocktail Stephanie for the migraines but whatever works!! Sometimes I wonder if we are killing our bodies with the cures we use to get through the day ... thank goodness we're resilient!!
13 Nov 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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Carol, I am glad that your are feeling better. Thank goodness I don't get them very often...and yes what ever works. I just take one of the Allergy-Sinus pills and the 2 excedrin, and withing about 30 minutes the headache is pretty much gone, and I have tried everything, including prescription drugs. And yes, thank goodness we are resilient! lol
13 Nov 10 by member: ctlss
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Mine is the "It's My Fault" button. Something bad happens that has nothing to do with me and it's my fault, or there's something I should do to fix it. I know it doesn't make sense, but it is almost like the default way of feeling. I have to consciously stop myself every time. I think I've finally accepted that that feeling IS wrong. That little part of me that kept saying "maybe everything really IS my fault" has been beaten into submission for now. It's precarious though. It hasn't been tested. I still wonder about what will happen when (not if) life things go wrong. I hope I don't find out any time soon! So glad you are back on. I was missing your presence!!
13 Nov 10 by member: k8yk
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Kate, I am also a fixer...if someone is in a bad mood, I need to fix it...hubby is quiet, must be something I did, and thus, I need to fix it....someone is sad, yep gotta try to fix that...sister doesn't pick up the phone when I call or return a call, must be mad at me for something I did, wonder what it is (make myself crazy going over the past few day's events in my head) and even though I KNOW that's not true, that little voice still rears up and tries to "convince" me that I am the cause, so I also need to be the cure. Crazy. I am working on that...with the hubby's help. He is so supportive and tells me all the time that I cannot be responsible for the happiness of other people, and that not eveything is my fault. But like you, that little part is always very close to the surface.
13 Nov 10 by member: ctlss
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Kate & Steph, I can relate to you both. My friend has a bucket theory ... that we have buckets when we are little. Some of them get filled, some of them only partially filled. Some buckets are 'good', some are 'bad' ... then when we are really stressed the bucket that troubles us most gets triggered. My partially filled bucket is related to "am I good enough?" and of course ... I wasn't. So the "it's my fault" button, the "rejection" button, and then the automatic default survival "skills" of childhood kick in. We are blessed, all three of us, that at this junction in our respective lives at least we are more conscious of that "default" and we realize, eventually, on some level that we no longer need to use our auto-pilot to "survive" ... we have more tools in our tool box now. Kate I hope you don't find out anytime soon either!! LOL!!! I know that character is measured in adversity but quite honestly ... I think I am a big enough character already!! LOL!!!
13 Nov 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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Great theory, Carol, and I too am glad that I have so many more tools in my "bucket" to utilize these days!
13 Nov 10 by member: ctlss
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I know the test will come at some point. At 32 years old, I would have to be exceptionally lucky to make it through the rest of my life without anymore tests. I am happy to be in a sort of peaceful place relatively for the past few years. I like the bucket theory. I have never been to a psychiatrist because both of my parents are in psychology and so I don't think anyone could ever possibly psychoanalyze myself as much as I have :) But I'm pretty sure the reason I feel this way is because I was made to be responsible much too early in my life. My earliest memory is consoling my mother who was crying because my father had walked out on her and telling her "everything would be alright." I was four. And that's just the tip of it. It does help to look at the causes of such feelings and reactions, but we know it's really just practice to change those reactions. And of course you CAN change them. I like to think of the past as setting you on a path for your life, like a GPS in your car. But if you want, you can turn off the path. Nothing is stopping you from doing so, no matter how it feels predestined.
13 Nov 10 by member: k8yk
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Kate, you are right. Changing our response to those feelings is the first step to healing ourselves. And practice makes perfect, but sometimes it just sneaks up on you!
13 Nov 10 by member: ctlss
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Stef & Moose, reading here about you guys as "fix-its". Me, I am a worrier. If I hear a siren, and my kids are out, I worry it's them. If they don't phone when they say, I worry. If I'm running late for something, I worry. If I inadvertently miss a bill payment and it might get late, I worry. I hate being a worrier, but I don't know how not to be. I remember my hot flashes very well. I sweat horribly and at work, when a flash came, my face got red, red, red and everyone knew ~ Barbara's having a hot flash!.....finally they were over. But...when I started the drug I now take for the breast cancer, they started again (I was told they would) and they lasted 6 months. Geeesh! Now they pop up only about 1X per month. Well, let me get back to entering my lunch and I probably won't be back in until tomorrow. It's about 2:30 pm here now and I will probably read for a little bit and then get cleaned up, eat and off we will go. I am so excited to see them (Doobie Brothers). I'll let you all know tomorrow how it was! Bye for now.
13 Nov 10 by member: The Next Number
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Carol, so happy to see you here again but sorry you are struggling. I can relate to all the above posts. I too think everything is my fault and I too try to fix it all and I too worry about everything. No wonder we are overweight with carrying all this worry and guilt. You said your husband was in a bad place at the moment so you being you are thinking its your fault, you aren't good enough and how can you fix it? And should you go out of town to further your career when he is in such a bad place and your mother isn't there either. Its tough decisions. He will be in a bad place no matter what you do because his bad place is his. Only he can fix it. Just like your funky place is yours and you own it. I think you found respite when you exercised though, that always seems to help you. Perhaps its the endorphins kicking in. I do so hope you find peace, and that some of the words of your buddies are helpful. You were an inspiration to me when I first got on here, your journals were so amazing (there are several people on the FS site who inspire me and lift me daily). I hope you find your groove soon. Practicing kindness to yourself and perhaps learning the lesson that you are not responsible for everyone, you cannot fix everyone, you can't worry about everyone.
13 Nov 10 by member: sarahsmum
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Mine is the "Temper Tantrum" button. I start acting like a very small child who is not getting what she wants. It is very unbecoming so I am really trying my very best not to get to that place as it is not only embarrassing it is crazy lol. TOWANDA!!!!!
13 Nov 10 by member: Lisa Online
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Mine is the "perfection" bucket. If something's wrong it's because I made a mistake and was thus lazy, slacking, screwed something up so I must of course, work harder and beat myself up. Although the "it's my fault" one is pretty much there too. Yes, I am extremely neurotic, lol.
13 Nov 10 by member: suechru
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but my main button is the Worrier as I have come from a long line of worriers. A couple weeks before my mother died she told me, Lisa.. Do you know what I learned finally? "Not to sweat the small stuff". I suppose without the worry factor she would have lived a lot longer as it is definitely hard on her heart and health. Glad you are feeling better Moose:) Towanda!!
13 Nov 10 by member: Lisa Online
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I hope you are feeling better by now . It seems lots of my buddies are under the weather today. Hopefully you enjoyed your time with your friend. I got your message on fb..sorry I missed you I would have loved to chat.
13 Nov 10 by member: chattycathy1955
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Wow it's amazing how much we all are alike. I guess that's why we're buddies. We have to throw away the "it's our fault " and "we are not good enough" because we are. Everything is not our fault. We don't have to fix anyone. Remember we have to be kind to ourselves. Everyday...we can get rid of those negative feelings.
14 Nov 10 by member: chattycathy1955
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Kind of makes me wonder ... how many other people in this world share the same inner feelings ... and yet no one ever talks about it ... not really.
15 Nov 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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Carol, I am amazed at the number of people I have found that share these same feelings of inadequacy and worry, but especially the "IT'S MY FAULT" feelings. And most of those people have something else in common, the need to eat to make it feel better....wow. I am so glad that I have found a safe haven, a place where I can come to get support, to let these feeling out into the light, that has so many wonderful people who open their hearts, take us into them, and do not judge us for the way we feel, but are willing to help us see, that what we feel, isn't what is real. That we are all struggling, every single one of us, with burdens that often aren't visible to those around us, but that we feel overwhelmed by. We are all so good at hiding what we feel and what our fears are, and I suspect it is because we think that if we admit our vulnerabilities, it will change the way those we care most about, think about us. Which is not true, but it is hard to argue with these thoughts at times, isn't it?
15 Nov 10 by member: ctlss
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