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We all have defense mechanisms. Mine is anger. I don’t do well being vulnerable, so expressing my feelings through acknowledgment of sadness is not ever something I do. The only time I recall ever being able to cry was when my father died. That was a few intense weeks of pain, and I used every single vice around to numb it. Before that, perhaps I cried melodramatically over a bad breakup. One day, crying out of anger and disappointment, clutching my chest, and then right back to being pissed. I’m more comfortable yelling obscenities than I am crying on someone’s shoulder or even phone line. I was in and out of psych hospitals in all of my 20’s, and I did my fair share of crying back then. I’ve since put on emotional armor. But, that armor is heavy. And I’m tired. I finally stopped binging, after about 10 days of eating (and keeping) 2700 calories a day, comprised mostly of Halloween candy, chocolate and pizza, sub sandwiches. Yesterday I ate 1600, and today I have fasted so far. I am choosing not to have candy or chocolate, but they are here.
When I’m active in my ED, I don’t do much other than eat, sleep, and work. I exist from one meal or snack to the next. I let myself go physically, and then when I get back on track, I have to face reality: weight gain, acne, hideous skin and nails, greasy hair, chin hair out of control. And that’s just my outside body. The house is usually a mess, bills get behind, kids need something guaranteed. Which makes me want to continue my ED, and then it only gets worse.
I’m sure happy to do other things instead of only eating when I’m working my recovery. I take hot showers, I wash my hair, I bust out the tweezers. I have been known to brush my teeth with charcoal capsules. Before I got in at the shipyard, I used to do my nails almost nightly. Even though I don’t where polish, I might start doing my nails again. I change my earrings, I polish my glasses. I will start putting lotion on again, I think. These things have always helped bust my stress.
We have snow here now, an inch only, but I got my run in and that, too, was the first time since October. Haven’t weighed in for about 10 days I believe, and I’m quite nervous to see. Had to buy a new scale, old one got lost in the move. I’ll be ecstatic if I’m under 160. I’m ready to face it, and I’m going to be accepting regardless of the number.
Think that’s all I have to say right now, I’m thinking about a nap. I’m grateful for my life, I’m humbled by my setbacks, and I’m committed to recovery.
Diet Calendar Entry for 11 November 2018:
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2040 kcal
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Fat: 74.30g | Prot: 66.35g | Carb: 211.99g.
Breakfast: Toasted Whole Wheat Bread. Lunch: 1% Fat Milk. Dinner: Green Olives, Mixed Salad Greens, Trader Joe's Raw Pepitas, Great Value Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Beer, Beer. Snacks/Other: General Mills Chex Mix Traditional, Oil Popped White Popcorn , Snickers Snickers Bar (Fun Size), Twix Twix Minis (3), Mars Maltesers, Beer, Wink Frozen Dessert, Wink Frozen Dessert. more...
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