madaboutmoose's Journal, 22 June 2009

There is so much happening that people in general are becoming less and less healthy and more confused. Business as usual won't solve many of our problems, we need a new approach. 

Interesting post today. It certainly made me think back about my life with food and how I viewed myself. I recently found an old photo of me when I was about 30ish?, I wish I knew how to put it on here so you could see what I looked like, I was stick thin but thought I needed to lose more weight, I look at that photo now and it actually shocks me a bit how thin I was. Why was I not aware of how I looked, that I did not have to lose more, and really should have gained some. I was not married to a man who told me I was perfect just the way I was, he did not really comment on me one way or another in that way. But it had originally stemmed from childhood of never being really good enough, thin enough, and I perpetuated that by marrying a man who just was there and in some ways made me feel quite inadequate although I do not think he did it on purpose. Who knows! He admitted years later he was not secure and he did not want me thinking I was hot stuff, if I had thought that way about myself then maybe I would have gone else where thinking I could do better. How so totally stupid he was to think that, to not know that he was the one I had wanted, I just wanted him to want me, to be happy with me the way I was. So the vicious cycle continued of never feeling good enough. I wonder if I had been married to a man who really noticed me and commented on my body in a positive way, maybe I would have lapped that up like a kitten with warm milk and thrived finally. I know deep in my heart I will never truly be happy at any weight I am at. And that is a reality about me that I know to be true. That is why I still struggle to lose. I know so many women who are not where I am, still trying to lose and stay on top of it, I look at them as settling in and accepting middle age and to be honest they get to eat a lot more fun stuff than I do and they enjoy it, they do not beat themselves up~~~ever. But they are overweight and wear expando (elastic waist) pants and part of me envies them just a titch because I sometimes think they know what is more important in life. I look thin to some people I know or just right according to them but to me I see a woman who needs to lose weight, who needs to lose just 10 more and on, and on, and on. I totally understand these women who throw up, who starve themselves, I starved myself when I was younger, in that photo, although I have never thrown up to lose. I still understand them. They are just trying to be acceptable to the people who should have had the brains to just love them and accept them the way they are and my heart goes out to them. Some of us with losing take it to extremes, I no longer starve myself and have not for years I still know what it is like. I hope they get help but I know they will struggle all their lives to be what they think is acceptable but they need to be acceptable to themselves first. 

Well put. Acceptance is really the bottom line. For all of us. I don't do it perfectly but it is so important to me now. I know it doesn't matter a bit what anyone else thinks ... it is really ME.  

I agree with what you said. I really dont like the phrases people use either and cant imagine it helps them lose weight. I have said for 90lbs now I am not on a diet, I do not go on and off the wagon. I am not bad one day or cheat. I eat what I want and respect the consequences of my actions. I eat healthy and exercise I lose weight. I eat junk food aka crap and I feel like crap. I think the biggest part of losing weight is to first deal with your issues as why you use food as an addiction. Change what you are saying to yourself too. When I did this the weight just fell off. I feel good about myself and my choices. I love the way I look and even more how I feel. Others can see my confidence for the first time in my life. Anyways, I am taking over your post so I will go.  

Yogamama ... what you have discovered I wish for those here who still dislike themselves so much ... that feel so unacceptable ... that truly believe they are only "okay" if they are skinny. It's silly perhaps, certainly unrealistic, but I just wish there was some way to "pass it on" and save others the years of feeling "less than" and struggles that I have had. 

Nice post, madaboutmoose. I think women should have curves as well. It seems that in today's society, the "ideal" shape is becoming more and more like a 12-year old girl's build: stick thin, straight up and down. The shorts are getting shorter and shorter, the tops tinier and tinier. I don't think that women should look like a human popsicle stick! I think that one of the most beautiful women of all time was Marilyn Monroe. By today's standards, she would be chunky. What has happened to our ideals? I also like what Yogamama said about eating junk food and respecting the consequences of her actions. I think most of us are guilty of using negative terminology such as "falling of the wagon" or "cheating" from time to time, including me. It's a hard habit to break, especially when you have heard those phrases over and over on TV, movies, in magazines, etc. Take one day at a time and try to think about it in a different light. That's a way to start, anyway. 

twilightmom- isnt that just sick that some people want us to look like little girls? A little perverted I think, yuck! I think often about how back in the day people that were lets just say hardy, lol, were considered wealthy. Thin people were considered poor. Now it is the opposite, thin people are considered rich and hardy people are considered to be poor or on welfare. Weird! 

Exactly!!! 

I found all of your posts interesting and enlightening. Occasionally a post will trigger unwanted, unneeded memories and they swim to the surface to remind me of old insecure feelings. And then they swim back down again to the depths, where they belong, in the past. I normally do not think about the past at all, but for some reason that post brought it back, the lack of eating, never feeling okay about me and significant people in my life who perpetrated those feelings of my not quite measuring up somehow. Today I am probably more accepting of me than I have ever been in my life, I am so much happier than I have ever been and I know that I am a very lucky woman in many ways but I still want to be thinner than I am, so I keep at it, writing down what I eat and trying to achieve the weight I want. If I did not do that then I would gain weight. I have a sister who is quite obese, those are my genes so I fight that tendency to gain, and always will. I eat healthy with the occasional splurge and that is a good way to live. Now I need to find that weight that I can say I am done and will maintain where I am.  

The "old" feelings do float to the surface on occasion. I think when they do it is important to pay attention to them ... they have floated up for a reason. I find as the years pass I have made peace with the shortcomings of those who "loved" me perhaps not in the way I needed to be loved in my past. I do know they were doing the best they could with what they knew. The consequences of the past certainly have impacted my present ... but they no longer have near the power they used to. It is positive to watch what we eat ... and very cool, wecandothis, that you are aware that whatever you lose, it may never feel like enough. I agree, you have found a good way to live, a practical approach, and one that gives you room to ENJOY!!! It is all about balance. As for the "ideal" body in the media for women ... it is CRAZY!!! Some women are "stick thin" naturally!! Some women are more voluptuous, naturally!! Whether you are tall or short, thin or curvy, I would just like to see people more accepted as people. We here, are a wonderful group ... learning to be who we are!! Great exchange!! Thanks!