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Today was a difficult day. I am feeling a lot better now but this morning I was feeling a lot of self hatred. I tried affirmations and praying and I posted to my best buddy online which helped. I was wanting to eat because I felt so bad about myself. I don't really know why I was feeling so bad. I don't know if it was my depression or the fact that I got on the scale and I had gained a bit over 2 lbs. It may have been some totally random thought that I haven't figured out yet. I tried telling myself to snap out of it and get in a better mood. I didn't try a gratitude list which might have helped. I wrote the affirmation that I am a child of God made in God's image and I deserve only good things in life. But I didn't believe it no matter how many times I wrote it. It helped to get out of my messy house and do my walking. I bought my dress for my vow renewal but I felt chubby in it today. I am so compassionate and forgiving and supportive to others but so hateful to myself at times. I wish I could just get over all this and leave it all behind but I obviously haven't. I would never treat another person the way I treat myself when I am feeling this self-hatred. I guess my counselor would say I am taking all my anger toward my abusers out on me. That might explain my feelings today because I was starting to feel angry toward one of my past abusers a couple of days ago. Maybe I got scared by my anger and turned it back on me. That is a definite likelihood. I told my counselor the other day that I just wanted to get over my abuse and leave it behind me and forgive my abusers but she said I can't do it yet because I have always turned my anger towards myself instead of toward the abusers who deserved it. She said until I can get angry towards them I can't move on. Getting angry was a very terrifying thing for me as a child. I never even raised my voice toward my parents. I felt it was too dangerous. In my family it was too dangerous to get angry toward the adults. And it was too dangerous to get angry towards those who abused me outside my family as well. So I guess I am going to have to learn how to tolerate my fear of being angry at my abusers if I am going to get over this self hatred. Losing weight sure is a complicated business isn't it?
Diet Calendar Entries for 27 May 2010:
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1383 kcal
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Fat: 96.41g | Prot: 93.09g | Carb: 42.63g.
Breakfast: Splenda, Baking powder, Cinnamon, Egg, Butter, Flax seeds. Lunch: Roast beef, Green pepper, Lettuce. Dinner: Blueberries, Cottage cheese. Snacks/Other: eas CHOCOLATE SHAKE, Diet Dr. Pepper, Pork rinds, Macadamia nuts. more...
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2446 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 40 minutes, Resting - 13 hours and 20 minutes, Sleeping - 10 hours. more...
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 Comments
It is hard to diet anytime and when you get depressed it makes it twice as hard. We tend to want to comfort ourselves with food. It might make us feel temporarily better but in the end it just makes us feel worse. I see you have moved on to OWL. Maybe since you are gaining you could try cutting down just a little on the carbs and see what happens. You have lost so much & I'm really proud of you. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else I think. I have days where I feel so ugly... I mean I couldnt look that different from day to day but some days just feel like I'm hideous! LOL! Cheer up and don't worry about 2 lbs, it could be just water and will drop in no time.
27 May 10 by member: amanda123
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You're right, we are harder, crueler & most hateful to ourselves than we would ever be to someone else. I feel this way alot. I know I've been thinking about it alot lately too. Asking myself when I'll ever be good enough for ME?!? And sometimes, the only way I can even begin to let up on myself is listening to a particular song. I'll never forget the first time I hear it. Bawled my eyes out b/c I don't think outside of my mind I had ever heard what it was I had always been doing to myself. The song's "Sorry To Myself" by Alanis Morissette. And I to say I understand what it's like to turn your anger inward on yourself. I used to & sometimes still do. It used to turn into sadness & I would eat until I was so full I couldn't feel the sadness. But over the years I've learned to own my anger & feel it. It's not easy. You're a work in progress. God isn't finished w/ you yet = )
27 May 10 by member: Evil_Angel_Shay
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I am sorry to hear that you had a difficult day.
I just hope that today things are a little more shinny for you ..
Please don't be hard on yourself. Although it is much easier said than done, we are here to remind you.
Please make an effort to smile ... I will see it from here ;)
28 May 10 by member: alwaysalwayshappy
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Wow, you really are having a rough time right now. Please know that we are all here for you. I will pray that you can find peace and resolve in those issues. You have a wonderfully loving family now and look, your renewing your vows - thats a big deal. You are not the same child as you were years ago. Don't miss out on the today. Love yourself.
28 May 10 by member: kmartin
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There's nothing I can add that others haven't said already,but, know that there are so many here to uplift you. You could never fall because there are so many arms here ready to catch you. You will suceed,you're already moving right along on your journey. It's a hard road to walk,this road to self acceptance, but, you will be strong and you will make it. I hope today is a better day for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
28 May 10 by member: candyann
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Andrea there is such a thing as "justifable anger" you have every right to feel anger after what you have been through. Don't feel bad about that anger or guilty and most of all don't turn it on yourself. Try and forgive your abusers..its not for them, but for you so you can heal. So many of us have gone through some trauma as children and still carry those scars with us...women forgive but never forget but you have no guilt and you have to stop punishing yourself. You did nothing wrong..they did and they will have to answer for it someday. Know that you are beautiful and loved and appreciated and worthy of a wonderful life. We are all here for you my dear sweet buddy. I love you. :)
28 May 10 by member: BCLenny
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