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Weight History
showing entries 36 to 40 of 475
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03 December 2014
I was feeling much more empowered earlier, now I just feel stupid. I've been staying honest and stupid. So at least I have my calories counted. That is all that I can think to say without getting really negative.
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03 December 2014
So far I am doing alright. I am trying to be mindful and curb excess as I have opportunity. I feel like I am having little successes amidst large challenges, so I feel a mixture of vindication and discouragement. I am looking forward to when this feels less exhausting to just eat sensibly instead of fighting the urge to go rabidly after every craving and impulse.
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02 December 2014
Oh the truth can hurt. I decided for the first few days I am not going to try changing my eating habits. Instead my focus will be to record EVERYTHING I eat, since I have often failed to keep track of what I eat. Honestly it is embarrassing seeing the data from the foods I've eaten because it is so gluttonous. I know better, but this is representative of choices I made against better judgment.
To make this a sustainable change I don't think I can do too many changes at once at have these good habits stick. So baby steps it is. Cognitively I know that THIS is a big part of accountability, exposing one's self to correction and not hiding mistakes. Cognitively I know that generally this is a encouraging community, but facing the truth is terrifying right now because I feel guilty. I am guilty of gluttony and poor food choices, guilty of lack of self control, guilty of being afraid of condemnation because those vices are NOT praiseworthy and are destructive and should not be encouraged. Yet I am still trying to figure out how to separate myself from my choices so that I do not make my identity a culmination of all my past mistakes.
"...the truth shall set you free." Well, G-d, help me to find my freedom in You because I know I should not do these things, but I do, and I can't change them myself without Your help. I have certainly tried enough times to see consistent results in that failure. So help me to stay honest, and then help me to change so that I will no longer be ashamed about what I have eaten and how I have treated my body. Amen.
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01 December 2014
The challenge from guilt is allowing it to convict you of the need to change without sapping the desire and energy to try to change when faced with it. Too often the guilt can warp into shame, and rather than empowering oneself to move forward, it imprisons oneself to fall farther behind.
I officially kept at or below 150lb for a year, but I knew I had been exercising very bad habits and very little self control. So when I stepped on the scale this morning I was not surprised, just disappointed and deeply ashamed. I don't just want to make excuses but I don't know if I can change. Generally the more I see my condition the more despairing I get and the less will I have to fight with for something better.
Perhaps part of the issue is not deeming this a failure, but rather a set back or a spring board. (And, oh is it ever so much easier to say that than to do it!) I've been dealing with this food addiction surreptitiously for so long, never really calling it what it is.
Abba, I need you to reveal to me that old things HAVE PASSED away and empower me to walk in newness free of this addiction, because I know with certainty that nothing in me can do this. I need Your help, G-d, or I will continue to fall into this trap and this pattern just as I have so many times before. Thank you, G-d, that You are faithful. Please help me to stay faithful too so that I do not dishonor You in my body with the way I've been trying to cope with emotional stress through food. Amen!
Weigh-in:
156.0 lb
lost so far:
16.0 lb
still to go:
26.0 lb
Diet followed poorly
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gaining 6.4 lb a week
24 November 2014
I remember when I was younger and I would think about running away from home I was always too scared to follow through. I'd realize I could never get far away enough fast enough, that I had no idea where to go or what I'd do when I got there.
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