Billyev's Journal

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29 July 2016

As I sit here sucking on a cinnamon disk (which I used to quit smoking) I'm realizing I'm probably defeating my purpose of cutting out sweets. Well, not probably, certainly. I'm not really hungry, but I want to eat. What's that about? I had a nice size lunch, I had a decent breakfast and a not so great for me snack about 10:30. What gives? Why am I always hungry? I've had my thyroid tested, but will be asking the doctor to do it again, but I think it's in my head and not in my body. There has to be some underlying cause for me to continue to sabotage my desire to eat better, to walk, to feel better, to be smaller. Other than ridiculing myself (not healthy or productive), I don't really seem to be willing to put in the "work" that this is going to require. I'm very hopeful that the nutritionist and I can find an eating plan that I can live with, that I can do, that will help me normalize my weight. I don't ever want to be 93 lbs again -- I looked anorexic! But I'd love to be a size 10 or 12 again. I don't think that is an unrealistic goal in the long run. . . Again thanks all for your support and encouragement.

(5 comments)

28 July 2016

Well, I'm hungry. Yes, I am hungry. I am having a steak for dinner tonight. Yes I am. With baked sweet potatoes though instead of regular baked. I had a chef salad for lunch again -- it was good, but I'm about rabbit fooded out for today. I'll be careful with the butter on my potatoes, and I will only eat half the steak (although I already journaled the whole thing, so if I do eat it all I still won't go over). Eating right is hard. Changing habits is hard. I know this -- I've broken bad habits before, and eating is just another one to break. But boy, it's hard! As someone said, quitting smoking was really hard, but at least I could throw the things away and stay away from them. I imagine alcohol is much the same. But you still have to eat, even when you are trying to lose weight. How much, what, and how much exercise you get (and your age, metabolism, etc.) are all factors, I know. But the fact is, you still gotta eat. As hard as quitting smoking was, as long as I didn't pick up a cigarette I was OK. This food thing is completely different. And what's funny? Up until I was 42, I weighed 93 lbs. After having my child. I left the hospital at like 95 and went back down to 93 and stayed there another 12 years. The doctor was giving me B12 shots, etc., and encouraging me to eat like a pig to gain weight. Well, at 42 I quit smoking (failed but quit for a couple of years) and had a hysterectomy. Yes, then the weight started to come on. But it hasn't stopped! I never learned how to eat well .. . I never had to. At first the weight gain was welcomed, but it most certainly isn't welcome now! So, mind set has to be the first thing I change, and I'm really working on that. And no I haven't weighed. I will weigh next week. I don't want to be a slave to those scales.

(2 comments)

27 July 2016

Thanks to everyone for your encouraging words. I didn't weight today, but what I did do was make an appointment with a nutritionist next week. I'm trying to eat better, and as soon as I figure out this site I will journal my food. I had an email that I had a buddy request, but I can't figure out how to accept it -- I don't see it on the site but I'm probably just not used to this particular site.

I know I have hit bottom. When I started considering surgery, dangerous surgery, I knew it was time to do some serious rethinking. I'm amazed that my insurance covers the nutritionist for weight management with no co-pay. My husband was just diagnosed with diabetes and put on medication (he is barely over the line). So I was calling to schedule for him since she is a diabetic diet specialist. In speaking with her, she offers just what I need as well. I need do to each day, each step, each moment one at a time, and make better choices. Get some exercise (not my strong suit by any means!) and learn how this site works better. Again, I appreciate all the support. When I read the comments today it make me feel a lot better!

(6 comments)

21 July 2016

OK, I suck. In 2013 I thought I was fat at 173 lbs. 3 years later I am more than 20 lbs heavier. Yes, I know my Mom died. Yes, I know I lost my sister and my daughter and grandkids. Yes, I know I have a husband that eats a lot and is fat too and doesn't discourage me from eating. Yes, I know I make horrible food choices. The thing is, how do I stop this gain? Every time I get angry with myself, I just eat more. Last time I had bloodwork done everything was fine. But I am having trouble moving. Getting past my (brand new) belly is quite a feat. When I look in a mirror I nearly don't recognize myself. But HOW do I get and stay motivated to make a huge change? I looked into medical weight loss clinic. I looked into bariatric surgery (and OMG, I qualify! WTF??!!!). But I know that I not only can't really afford it, it's not what I want to do.

Am I depressed? I don't think so. I just seem to be hungry all the time. Even when I'm not hungry, if something looks good, and generally it's really bad for me, I will eat it. I walk through the grocery with great intentions and end up with brownies/cookies/pop tarts in my cart. As a matter of fact, I just remembered I have a pop tart in my desk and I'm trying not to think about it, but I'll probably eat it. WTF???!!!

I know when I got ready to quit smoking about 9 years ago, it was after many, many failed attempts. And then one day I was quite simply fed up with the smell, cost, sickness, etc. etc. etc. and I quit. Thought I was going to die, but I quit. And haven't gone back. Can I do it with food? Can I? Will I?

Weigh-in: 198.0 lb

lost so far: 0 lb

still to go: 63.0 lb

Diet followed poorly

(8 comments) gaining 0.2 lb a week

13 June 2013

What?!! Up almost pound? Whassup with that? I was absolutely PERFECT! Guess I shouldn't weigh eery day.

Weigh-in: 173.0 lb

lost so far: 1.2 lb

still to go: 38.0 lb

Diet followed 100%

add comment gaining 4.2 lb a week

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