BPaula47's Journal

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03 October 2016

Weigh-in: 387.2 lb

lost so far: 10.2 lb

still to go: 37.2 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(3 comments) losing 2.4 lb a week

28 September 2016

Hi FS,

Okay. I’ve got some house cleaning to do and some chastising to administer…to myself, of course. So, if you guys want to continue reading you can but know this little jurnal entry is from Me. To me about me. I went way over my calories today and really there’s no excuse for it. My therapy session was smooth and pleasant. We spent time getting to know each other better so no problems there that I can see. But when I got home from the supermarket and was putting up food, I fell into my old binging habits again. And really there was no reason I can see for it. So I need to write this out and figure this out so it doesn’t happen this way again….

"Okay, Missy what’s going on? Why did you totally go off your eating plan today? You started off great for Breakfast, lunch and your two in between meals. So what gives? I know it’s cycle time and that can be a bit trying, but this is the last day of P.M.S Tiredness time. Were you too hungry? Too tired? Angry or lonely? No? Then what? Do you need a reminder as to why you’re doing this in the first place? I think yes.

Do you remember in April when you had those two major Gurd attacks and you thought you were going to die? Do you remember the way your body flushed and heated up and how fast your heart was pumping. Do you remember being so scared that you cried in the hospital Trioge. Do you remember what that Tech said to you about your being fat, that nasty comment he made? Any of this ringing any bells?

How about the day you went to the Doctor and stepped on the scale and got the shock of your life when the scale went to THAT number…the one you said you’d never let yourself get to…Ever. Do you remember how you felt on the way home from that appointment?

Do you remember how you felt when you found out your brother had died? It was only just about one year ago. Do you remember how much that hurt because it was so unnecessary for him to die so soon. He was trying to get where you are so he could have the surgery done and all the gastric issues he had. I know you remember standing by helplessly as his daughters...his baby girls... had to decide what to do about life support for their father. Do you want them to have to make the same decision for you? Do you really want to put your family through that, again?

And I know you remember how it felt when you found out your Mama was gone. You thought she hadn’t cared enough to stick around after she found out she was diabetic and she just gave up and gave in. how she just left her little girl behind to finish raising herself. Is that what you’re doing? Giving up? Giving in? do you want to go out like that? do you want Diabetes and Compulsive overeating and uncontrolled emotions to take you out? I know you don’t have children, but you have Karen…Lisa…Christina and Nicole…te’anna…Zach, Matt and Frankie. Do you know what it would do to them if you check out early? Just because you can’t get this binging out of your system? Really?

Is it really that bad here? aren’t things going allot better for you these days? Aren’t there a few things you still want to do here on this planet? So what’s it gonna be? What’s tomorrow gonna look like? Are we gonna do this again?"

Okay. I think that did it. Gotta go plan my meals for tomorrow, and do some extra working out for today. There are still some things I want to do on this planet. And I don’t want my family to go through the things we been through with my mother, brother and even other relatives. This is hard, but I’ve got to do it. So, I’ll start again and I’ll forgive myself for the mess up of today. I’ll get back to my selfcare practices and all this. I slipped…again. Can’t figure out why though. I think I was angry today. I know I was tired from this time of the month so that could have had something to do withit. I know I was bummed about the 2.9 pound weight gain. Even though I know it’s water weight, it still pissed me off. I gotta stop thinking that I can do this perfectly. That I’m just going to keep loosing weight every week and never have times when I gain Cause we all know that’s not true. I’ll probably have a few times that I gain before this whole thing is over and some plateau weeks too. I also know I’m a little frustrated about being alone right now. The holidays are coming up and it’s always a lonely time for me. Now, I’ll have food issues to deal with too. I still think there’s something to that whole SAD thing..Seasonal Affective Disorder. Even though I can’t see, I still get moody and sad during the winter cause I definitely can feel the cold. And ugg, the feeling of being cooped up during all the snow. I hate snow. Not sure how things will be in this new place either. And dealing with my apartment complex and trash removal. Not being able to just go out when I please and it’s all cause I hate the cold and snow and just don’t want to be in it. Now, walking in the mornings isn’t as fun as it used to be because it’s cold out and I’m freezing so I’ll need to find an alternative for that. Ugh!

Okay. I’ve got thinking to do and I’ve got to make some solutions for some of these issues I’m gonna have. Right, "and this, too, shall pass.”

Good night all. Peace and Blessings to you…and me.

(4 comments)

26 September 2016

Weigh-in: 389.6 lb

lost so far: 7.8 lb

still to go: 39.6 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(2 comments) gaining 3.4 lb a week

23 September 2016

Hi gang.

How’s every little thing? I had an interesting night last night. I had to go for my follow up Sleep Study apt. to qualify for surgery. I had the first one about two months ago and apparently, I have sleep Apnea (okay, I know I spelled that one wrong!). I’m not sure what it all entails. But the lowest score you can get or I should say the beginning of their chart that tells you you have this thing is 5. I scored 5.8. really? Huh. Anyway, this, of course, qualifies me to have to test to see if I can get any benefit from a C-pap machine. Okay, I’m game. Let’s see.

Now, mind you, my first night and experience with Sleep Study was…well…Awful. I asked for a hospital bed because I usually sleep in a Craftsmatic and I want to be able to raise my head and feet for breathing and circulation reasons. Yep, spoiled baby, right here. They provided one. I think sleep Study is where old hospital beds go to die. The poor thing had about a 1 ½ inch mattress and a bunch of plastic parts sticking out every where. In a word, painful. So I didn’t get much sleep that night. I have no idea what they graded me on but there ya go.

This time, I decided not to request the special bed and just go with what they have. I brought some pillows that I have at home. Basically a long firm body pillow and a very soft, pliable one for under my neck. I’ll admit, I don’t always sleep through the night, but what sleep I get is pretty decent. But it does take some maneuvering at times. Pillows…movable beds…right room temp, etc.

Like last time, I had to be wired for sound and flight. They hooked me up to about 100 wires and ekg plugs…all in my hair, over my face and from legs to torso. It’s weird. Then…(dum dum dum) the tech gives me this thing and says put that over your nose, but don’t open your mouth. What? Me? Not open my mouth? What!?

So I put it on and she turns on the machine and air starts flowing up my nose. What’s the first thing I do? Open my mouth…you got it. And it cut off my breathing. Okay, this isn’t going to work. So the tech suggests the full face mask. Right away, I’m scared. This thing looks like apart of those old fashioned gas masks they used back in the 50’s or something. The only thing that’s missing is the big, buggy eye sockets. It’s hard plastic and triangular shaped with a long hose hanging off it and goes over both mouth and nose and has an over-the-head strap situation going on. But it allows you to use both mouth and nose for breathing…or in my case coughing, laughing and making jokes. And, seriously, I felt like an extra from “It Came From The Deep”.

Okay long story a little shorter, I had to try and sleep with this thing on…clamped down to my face and blowing air up my nose. No Bueno. I think the tech said she saw some sleeping, but I never entered REM. No surprise there. I must have taken that mask off at least four times during the night cause I swear I thought I was gonna suffocate. It felt like someone had clamped their hand over my mouth and nose and was pressing hard. Gonna take getting used to, the tech says. Okaaaayyyy. She says she started me out on level four which is beginner and only had to move me up to level five. Huh. Well, the things you gotta do to qualify. She gave me the mask to take home and practice with while they get my script ready. I’ll have to pick up the C-pap machine and get instructed on how to use it. Sigh. Good bye sleep. I think I might have gotten 3 hours last night. So when I got home, I crashed for certain.

All is not lost. I did get to start a really good book! SkyDragon by Ann and Todd McCaffry. I love the Dragon Riders series. Also I found out that Ann McCaffrey died right after this book was written. She was 85 and a treasure. One of my favorite Sci fantasy writers along with Octavia Butler who is also passed on). I’m gonna miss their writing styles. Todd mcCaffrey, I think, is going to continue the Pern series. At least, I hope he will. Rest Well, Ann.

(4 comments)

21 September 2016

Hi All.

Had my therapy apt today. Not sure what or how i'm feeling. I did do better today food wise. No binging. I think it's best if wednesday's aren't my eat out day. Less tempting that way. I even pre-preped all my food so it was grab and go or grab and toss in a bowl and get out of the kitchen fast. clean get away all day today. this seems to work better so i'm gonna adopt that strategy for the time being.

it takes me awhile to process things sometimes so today's session...well, i left the office with a monster headache. that's all i can say about it right now. Still processing...

Blessings.

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