dgthomas's Journal, 26 July 2017

I think there have been some changes in my relationship with food - I know I have said this in the past but there is a change now - I think I went from knowing to understanding or the other way around depending on your definition. But it boils down to knowing something (e.g. smoking is bad for you) and actually understanding it and incorporating it into your life (stop smoking).

I have always know that those foods were bad for me - I call them the enemy foods and have tried to stay away from them but sometime in moments of weakness I get the chips and order the Chinese food cause "one cheat can’t hurt" and "I have been doing so good". And then after the cheat the guilt kicks in and the shame spiral starts and then my bingeing and all progress is out the window. Then I get mad at the food and my relationship worsens and then I start again more determined to stay away from those foods but with stronger determination comes stronger feelings and sometimes stronger cravings. And then again "I am doing well" "I should treat myself this once". Hence why I have been up down and sideways for years. and I have had many excuses "my health", "my medications" and my fav "carbs are carbs" (where I justify eating poorly cause everything is carbs I just have to limit the carbs I eat and not what I eat - so instead of a bowl of salad I will eat a choco-bar).

But now my desire to cheat is not as strong, and when I do have a "cheat" I am not so hard on myself. This is because my forward looking goal has changed - where once I was waiting for my weight to drop so I don’t have to be so careful in what I eat (my goal in the past and sounds like most dieters) and I used to say it’s not only a change in my eating but my lifestyle as well but I knew that as soon as I has lighter I could sneak cheats more often and planned on it. but now I no longer look to the distant future where I am lighter - I no longer treat this like an epic journey to MORDOR where I have a goal in mind and nothing will stop me. I know treat it like a walk through the park - I enjoy each step - I know generally where I am going but I don’t really know when I will get there - I know there will be small detours I may take but I never lose sight of the direction I am going. My goal now is not to be thinner but to be wiser about my food choices and enjoy my life and my meals. I no longer see enemy foods; I see wise and unwise food choices.

I think some of this has been thanks to my gluten intolerance. Once I cut gluten out of my diet I felt better and my body was better but with cutting it out the result was exposure to gluten started to cause issues, it seems that my tolerance for gluten diminished, but I think it the elimination of gluten made me aware of how awful I was feeling and that the pain and bloating were not normal. Now I know how normal feels and I don’t like the discomfort gluten causes. When I cheat on these types of food pain has been the result and it only took a few times to realize that I cannot cheat like I use to. Well that leads me to gluten free cheats and not "grain" cheats, like rice cakes rice noodles and such. These cause havoc on my blood sugars and are cheats but are good cheats because they are not gluten laden. Man the things I use to use to justify my cheats.

But somewhere in the last few months I started to wake up and realize that this is not a race, not a destination not an epic journey. That the goal was not the end point, but more of a guide. This is a new life, a stroll, where you should learn and enjoy things and there is no place the once you reach it you don’t have to abide by the rules. There is no place only the stroll. This has helped me realize that I have to change me not just for a bit while I lose weight but change the way I look at food and change the way I think.

Like I said now I see wise and unwise choices - no longer friendly and enemy foods. I am learning something new every day to help me function better on this "stroll thru life". I try not to be shackled to the scale or numbers (except for my blood sugar numbers). I also try different foods and see how I respond to them. Avocados, I never use to touch them – did not like them. But now I am eating them with my eggs in the morning a good source of fat and I am starting to find them okay. I use my trip thought the supermarket as an adventure and try now produce and new recipes. I am enjoying my stroll more, now the supermarket is not an exercise in discipline but an experience and opportunity to find a new wise food.

Wow this is long and was supposed to be a quick update but I guess I had a lot to tell myself. It’s one thing to have a thought in your head but it’s completely different to spill it out into the real world. I hope to come back to these later and see the progress i made or revive the insights i garnered during this journey.

301.5 lb Lost so far: 16.5 lb.    Still to go: 81.5 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

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2217 kcal

Fat: 144.37g | Prot: 130.21g | Carb: 108.12g.   Breakfast: Spinach, Almonds, Johnsonville Garlic Summer Sausage, Galaxy Nutritional Foods Soy Cheese, Almond Breeze Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Egg, Equate Stevia Extract. Lunch: VH Soya Sauce, Huy Fong Foods Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce, Knorr Instant Chicken Stock Mix, Chinese Cabbage (Bok-Choy, Pak-Choi), Ground Pork (Cooked), Cabbage. Dinner: Calavo Avocado, Poached Egg, Pork Chops or Roasts (Loin Blade, Bone-In), Huy Fong Foods Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce. Snacks/Other: Old Dutch Bac'n Puffs, Spitz Salted Sunflower Seeds, Blueberries. more...