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uggggggggh
so i hate this whole failure thing. Like today, I fucking ate a shit ton of peanut butter and saltine crackers.
wtf man, i just kept eating and eating. like I eat when I am bored. I eat as a form of entertainment! It's awful! I need to do something else. It's like everything is always better when there is a bag of pretzels or saltines nearby.
I love love love pretzels. and I do drink plenty of water, sometimes i drink so much water thinking it will just flush all of my fat away :(
but it doesn't work like that. It simply doesn't...
and i'm too much of a cheap ass to join a gym. The cheap gyms are too small and I'd be self conscious but the bigger gyms are expensive!!!
I don't know what to do. I am thinking about joining lifetime fitness for a couple of months until the weather is warm, but then will I even want to quit?
I fucking hate my body and am soooooo self conscious of going to a gym. Maybe I should join weight watchers. I should ask my mom if she'll pay for it or something. I am just so stressed out and eating comforts me.
sometimes i just eat to reward myself too, like damn i had a long ass day! time to eat shit tons of capn crunch cereal EVEN THOUGH I ALREADY ATE DINNER AND SNACKS.
like i eat as a social thing too. my sister was eating dinner the other day and it was really late - like 9:30, and i didn't know we had capn crunch and it's my favorite cereal so i just was like holy crap i need to have that.... even though i ate dinner at 6:15 and it was a lean cuisine and then i had a austen peanut butter crackers pack AND a sargento cheese cracker thing... so i had no reason to be hungry but i just enjoyed the taste and wanted to sit and chill with my sister
why the fuck do i get like this?
i hate it
i need to stop. i feel like I am spinning out of control and I can't seem to manage to lose weight. I lost like 9 pounds but I feel like I am struggling SO HARD to lose more ....struggling to even just maintain 190 pounds. what the hell is wrong with me?
*sigh*
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