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Just wrote a really long journal entry then lost it. Darn! Anyway.. here's my second attempt!
Disclaimer:
I am expressing some very real emotions and feelings here. I'll just let you know up front I'm not looking for validation, encouragement, affirmation or whatever - just need to get it out. Please don't feel you need to respond or make me feel better :-)
So.. I've lost a lot of weight. I'm proud of my achievements. How could I not be? I mean, I'm over 65 kg down from my highest weight, close to 30kg less than my starting weight this round, late Nov, 2014. I'll preface what I say with the fact that I am INCREDIBLY PROUD of myself and my achievements. I know I have done well. I know I have certainly exceeded my doctors, my dietitians, and certainly my own and family's expectations. I have done well. And I am pleased with my results, and do not intend to give up anytime soon. However.... and here comes my reality...
I feel ugly. so incredibly UGLY!
And no, it's not just the loose skin thing, although that is going to be an issue I need to address at some stage, especially further on.
I look in the mirror at work, and I feel ugly.
Until I see myself, I feel fine and feel like I look fantastic.. but then I see myself and my heart drops. I went and bought some new clothes during the week because everything I own is so ridiculously big - saw myself in a mirror and almost walked out empty handed because I looked so bad.
Admittedly, I still have a long way to go, but my fear is that I'm going to get even UGLIER.
I know it may sound silly, but to me it is REAL!
The weirdest part of this for me? I have NEVER thought myself ugly! I have always felt I was attractive, just would look MORE attractive thinner. But now, all of a sudden, don't know if it's an ageing thing or not, but I feel like I'm so ugly I want to hide my face.
Now, some might feel I am over-reacting, and they're probably right. But for me, this is very VERY real. And unexpected. So totally unexpected!
And as I said, it's not just a skin thing. I look at my face and feel so ugly I'm ashamed. I have never felt this way before. Am I alone in experiencing this? Obviously my weight loss is revealing issues I need to deal with. And I will do that, and I certainly will not give up, I will not lose heart, I will not stop what I'm doing. I just wish I knew why I feel so bad about myself all of a sudden. Why do I suddenly feel like all my hard work is in vain and that by the time I am at a healthy weight I will loathe myself so much I'll wish I never even tried?
am I the only one who feels like this? I realise I probably tend to vocalise things others don't. But seriously.. am I alone in these issues or is this normal for someone losing weight??
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