Rose_Red,
I can so relate to what you are going through. I had a significant weight gain after two back to back knee replacements. I had been fairly active before that and the loss of mobility for a few months fed into my eating disorder. I used that excuse to not be active and to overeat until I could no longer deny what was happening. I gained almost 200 lbs before I finally cried uncle, put down the fork, stopped telling myself what I *couldn't* do (because of my surgeries and my weight), stopped making excuses for my overeating, stopped lying to myself about what I was doing, stopped doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results.
I really had to humble myself and admit that I have an eating disorder, that I am a food addict, a compulsive eater. I really didn't want to but the pain of continuing to overeat and gain weight was becoming deadly. I really could see myself dying of overeating and I didn't want that for myself. I deserve better than that.
I committed myself to a low carb eating plan on August 1st of this year and have been able to follow it every day since. I plan my meals for the next day each night using this site, and each night I log what I ate that day. I stay within the macros that FatSecret suggests for what goal weight I want to achieve. Being diligent about tracking my food is really important because I have a deluded view of what I do and don't eat.
Another thing that has worked for me is Overeaters Anonymous. I have long term recovery in other 12 Step programs but had been unable to gather any significant amount of abstinence in OA -- just a day here, a couple there, a week or 10 days but nothing significant. It took what it took and for me it was a lot of food and weight and pain and sorrow. A lot of shame and self-hate and humiliation at the hands of others, a lot of loss time, a lot of life going by while I was eating, a lot of dreams diverted, opportunities missed. Not to mention the isolation, the money I spent on food, the damage I did to my body with the food and the excess weight.
Since August 1st, I've been able to eat on a low carb food plan and I really enjoy my meals. I eat delicious foods and I get enough food. I don't starve myself anymore trying to undue the overeating and get rid of the evidence so to speak; I don't eat until I am 'drunk' from the food, physically uncomfortable or pass out. I've lost weight. Earlier this month I was able to sit in an airplane seat without a seat belt extender for the first time in over 10 years. I can walk to the end of the block without having to stop two or three times. I am wearing clothes that I thought I would never be able to wear again, some are even too big for me now and that is inconceivable to me at times.
My self-esteem has risen and I am seeing my own beauty in my own eyes rather than looking for it to be reflected in others. It is a difficult journey and it is a lot of hard work everyday. But the results are there and I can't deny that I am happier, more joyous and more free than I have ever been.
I hope you can find some thing in all I've shared with you here to ease your burden. There is hope. Please don't give up. Keep with it. Stick with it.
"Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly but it will always materialize if we work for it" - The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
Rose, you can do this. Don't think you can't. It is a process but you have to start with being completely honest with yourself. No extra bites, no binging just one day or on special occasions or holidays, no having foods that you know that you will eat compulsively.
There are many food plans but I have found after 27 years of trying to deny it, that the ones that work best are the ones that don't allow grains, sugar in any form except fresh fruit, that are high in protein and low in carbs, and that suggest quantities (weighing and measuring portions).