SturgeonQueen's Journal, 04 August 2010

First of all....you are NOT crazy. You have a poor self-image and that leads to a poor self-esteem. How do I know this? Well, guess...I'm the same way and I'd bet damn near half of the people on this site are the same way whether they'll admit it, or give it a voice, or not. If our bodies aren't PERFECT, then we struggle and let's face it, very few of us can be perfect. And even those few that are - it can't be maintained indefinitely. Aging will creep in and although there are some hot looking, well-toned 60 year olds, it's just not the same body as one in their youth. So the crazy part? It's not crazy, it's about learning to love where you are right now, at this very minute. I saw a peek of that when you said your butt and thighs and legs look damn good! I mean, c'mon! Capture that - it's there- appreciate all you've done to get here, try to remember what that butt, thighs and those legs looked like several months ago. Even on your WORST day of not losing or the slight gain can't put you even close to how you were months ago. The other part - you are telling yourself you "cannot get below 145 really. I am now, but just barely." I'm not one of those far-out spiritual followers that believes you can speak something into existence as if we were "God" (followers of that book...can't remember the title...anyway, good points, but I think they HAVE to be taken out of context in that case). Anyway...what I believe IS true is that if you CANNOT visualize it, you CANNOT achieve it. And I think that applies to ALL aspects of your life. NOT that you put the thought out there into the cosmos and it magically appears in your life, but we ARE our own worst enemies and we are usually the reason why we don't achieve something we think we want in our life. We get in our own way! So as long as you tell yourself you "cannot" get below 145, it probably WILL be a struggle. Even when you drop below where you are currently ( and you will, hard as that is to believe. Look at my own journey here...forever to start losing, losing at a friggin' snail's pace forever, but I just kept plugging away. Not tooting my own horn here - just another bit of proof how damn stubborn I am!) All along, I kept visualizing in my head that I can SEE myself as I was several years ago. Even when I was tempted to give up, when I'd just start crying out of sheer frustration that I was doing everything "right", but the math wasn't working - I'd have that flash in my head of how I knew my body COULD look and I would either get back on the wagon or continue it. It sucked. And it's going to suck when it gets harder to lose that last 8 or 10 lbs, too. AND...I think there's a lot to the cortisol issue. Did you ever get your hands on a copy of Jillian Michaels' book on Master Your Metabolism? I'm pretty sure it's in paperback, and I know your local library would carry it. Oh hey, if you happen to be an Amazon shopper, I think it's still going on - they were offering FREE Prime shipping to students for a year's membership! That's $79 off! So anything offered with free prime doesn't cost you anything and you usually get it within 2 days. I love it. Anyway...all of that said, it might be time to change your workout routine. Even though they vary if I remember what you said, it might be time to pull out an old DVD and just switch off every other day or every third day. OR buy a new one. I can recommend several that I think are good, hard workouts with a high calorie burn. Don't know if you saw, but I'm doing the Insanity workout now. It really IS crazy, but I'm getting through it fairly well (first week! We'll see...). Abs? I think they come last and most of us won't see them unless we cut all fructose and most simple carbs out of our diets. Mostly the fructose, I think. For some reason, it really affects the abdominal fat layer. My husband is "skinny" but I don't know that I've EVER seen abs on him. He's also really tall - 6'6", so he has long muscle bellies which are harder to "bulk up" - they're just longer, so naturally smaller diameter. And I know that makes it more difficult to both get bulk (for a guy - I don't want more bulk!) and I think it makes it very difficult to see abs. But mostly I think it's a diet issue - not amount, just what we eat. I know you're frustrated and I know you love your Wii. I'd just think about adding to it, doing something different - probably high cardio - to boost that metabolism. Or check out the book and see what she has to offer? I'm bored a lot, too! And I will still eat out of boredom, but I'm trying to keep it to a minimum. It's not easy when food has been my coping skill! And above all, please know that I totally UNDERSTAND your frustration! Remember my "past"! I get it.  

OMG!!! I just checked the last response on today's journal entry (mine) and can you BELIEVE it?? Someone actually brought up the book I was talking about - the one that I DON'T buy into, the super "spiritual" voodoo type book where you create your own existence, where you speak whatever you want into your life kind of crap. Oh, I shouldn't be that judgmental, but I don't buy that crap myself. I just thought it was hilarious that this person brought up the DVD (of the book) recommending it when I was referencing this very same thing to you (in a sort of disparaging manner). lol... 

I just had a thought - not the first time I've had it and we've talked about it before. But I think you ought to try adding about 100 - 150 calories a day to your diet, in the form of protein. I was just looking over your diet calendar for the past couple of months, not the individual, but the breakdown and the calories per day vs. calories burned. You seem to be only getting about 20% protein, but if you're working out you may need more protein. Looks like you're getting enough fat. I know! I know what works for my daughter! She has upped her intake of dairy! Milk, mostly, but she'll eat the laughing cow and cottage cheese sometimes, but mostly she starts her day with a glass or two of 1% milk. That would give you some protein, too, and add those additional calories. Because if your exercise tracking is right, you're burning A LOT of calories per day. I know you have youth on your side, but I'm amazed at how many calories you're burning. If I do nothing all day but maybe lay on the sofa, I burn 430 calories in 8 hrs of sleeping, and if the rest is "resting", then I burn about 1150, making it about 1580 calories per day. So any exercise or standing, shopping, etc. takes away some from the at rest part, but adds in the exercise part. So it takes me a lot of movement to get to 2500 calories a day (which is my current goal, but I'm not quite making it). Yesterday I did the Insanity workout (40 min and intense) and Slim in 6 (49 min. mod) and brushed the sides and bottom of the pool, did a tiny bit of housework and whatever, but not much else. No shopping or heavy cleaning or yard work, etc. and burned 2300 calories. So that means either you're burning a LOT more calories both at rest and with exercise - which as I said, you have youth on your side and that could very well be! - or maybe your BMI is overstated? Because you should be losing close to 3 pounds a week if your numbers are correct. Or it could be, as you were talking about, the cortisol factor. Hope you check out that book sometime, good stuff in there on metabolism and it's motivating and encouraging at the same time. Keep your head up! <3 

You're still a big inspiration to me girl! Just remember how far you've come! :) 

D - I'm actually pretty sure it's just FS being WAY too high on the calorie burn. What I tend to do, is try and look at the groupings of meals I've eaten that day, and I shoot to burn like 350+ calories during my workout. Usually that covers like one of my meals per day that I've "burned off". I really don't think sitting at this desk here for 4 hours, or sitting on the couch for 6 hours combined burns 1000 calories, but FS always says it does. I kind of use my limit for calories as my "minimum calorie burn" number in my mind. I think I have it set to 1600 or 1650. I figure I probably don't burn much more than that, but at the same time, I do spend a lot of time walking around this house, walking around the property (not all of it, but some of it), back and forth between rooms... And I do weird things too, like... the two minutes I have something cooking in the microwave, I'll jog around. Or, in the pool - since it's shallow and I have a hard time really SWIMMING hardcore in it, I do things like, hold onto a raft and flutter kick back and forth a few times, or lock my legs and use only my arms to swim... so, I don't know what it is, but I think FS rates it all too high. I need to buy these protein shots I used to have. I have trouble getting protein - I LOVE sweets, lol - and I definitely can't stick to a dieting plan if I can't eat my sweets. So I used to drink these protein shots that really boosted my protein and was only like 110calories. I just don't know if I CAN boost it. Maybe I should aim for 1350 in food, + a protein shot. Making me around 1460. Still should be lower than my calorie burn on my laziest days, right?