TheKarenS's Journal, 16 December 2014

155.4 lbs
It kills me to put that weight. But it's the truth, and I can't do better until I realize the truth as a fact, *without judgement*.

So much has been going on recently. My grandmother had a long illness and died, and there's been family problems, to say the least. It was easy to fall back into old habits. But healthy living is something that matters to me. I *must* get back on track.

Sometimes I wonder if I lost weight for the wrong reasons, ie, vanity or boredom or attention. Then I think, surely not. I stuck with it for 15 months. But I do acknowledge, and I did then, that my thinking hasn't changed. So what brought me down, back to the place where I eat uncontrollably? I'm not sure.

I do have some interpersonal relationships that are not going well. My "boyfriend" is not the best relationship. Things are bad in the family. Work is horribly stressful, and yet I'm basically unemployed. I've gained 25 lbs from my lowest (20 above my goal). My house is a pit. And my dog got run over. Seriously. So what can I change and have control over?

I can resolve the boyfriend issue. I can work on the employment issue. I can clean my house. And i can control what I eat.

Lord, give me strenth!

So here's my plan: Do what I did before.
*Pick a start date, and announce it.
*Monitor what I put in my mouth - first with an awareness (am I full? Do i really want that? Would I be happy with a smaller portion?), and later with full food journal entry by start date.
*Journal my thoughts and feelings
*Exercise more. Walking is good enough.

I think i made my new lifestyle a punishment, of sorts. I know I did in regards to exercise.

I've also learned that I use food as a comfort in a way that I've never realized until recently. Twice recently I was upset to the point of tears. Instead of getting upset and crying (which I hate to cry), I went to get something to eat in public. I could have good food, and I could be distracted from the situation. After eating, I was still bothered, but the raw emotions had been sufficiently buried so as to not have to deal with them. And guess what? I buried them under fat.

And this weight gain is affecting me socially. I didn't drink water most of Saturday because I didn't want people in the other departments to see me and my gain. I turned down a date because I didn't want this new guy to notice the gain. This is not good!

I've gotta be nicer to myself - not harsh and judgemental, but also not lax. I need to hold myself accountable without being harsh or judgemental.

So where did my newfound determination come from? I had to give a talk to the extension homemakers. I procrastinated until the last minute. And i figured out why - because I felt like a hypocrite. But you know what? I'm human. All I can do is the best I can do. I only have to make it through one day, one meal, one hour at a time.

155.4 lb Lost so far: 21.4 lb.    Still to go: 20.4 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.