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Hi Guys,
It's been a long time since I last recorded a journal , my life as well as my weight have been like scary roller coasters , going up and down on a 180 degree angle . Just an update, I found a boy who loved me for who I am , he didn't think I was fat , he accepted the real me but I turned him down because he isn't the boy I like, he was sad so he joined the army ,and never returned. I then found a boy that I like , I starved myself just to be with him , I didn't want him to look down on me because of my weight , and we finally got together. It was a romantic relationship at first, I loved him and he would hold my hands and say how much he loves me , and later on he started to talk about my weight . He started to compare me with other girls who are paper thin. He didn't care about how I feel , him and his family would gang up on me and say horrible things to me , while I was sitting in the corner , shivering and crying on silent. I had to call the suicidal hotline at one point , because I had severe depression I was out of job. That is when I discovered binge eating , at the moment that was the only thing that would make me slightly happy about my life. I closed up myself and just kept eating , I gained so much weight and I weighted 200+ lbs. Believe it or not , I'm still with the guy who body shamed me and mentally bullied me , my friend would advise me to leave him but it feels like I'm trapped in a mental jail. I'm not sure if that's the right word to describe it , but I started to tolerate everything he done to me , and I became more and more depress , more and more anxious , and more and more suicidal. I paid for his food , cooked for him and cleaned his house , and his mom would come over and accuse me of not taking care of her son and he would say to his mom , infront of my face , that " it's not like I'll marry her or anything " .I stood there and cried, I did everything for him and he let his mom bully me. He didn't stand up for me when he knew that wasn't the truth. I'm not his girlfriend, I'm merely a maid who charge $0 / hour to do chores. I feel like a tool that people will take advantage of me , but when I'm not needed , no one will care about me or defend for me. I cried in my car while my friend kept me company , she told me to have more self esteem , she told me i'm perfect and I need to be strong. This world is tough , but we can't just get defeated . There are monsters out there who are waiting to attack you and destroy you , but you have to keep going and be brave. Fight back ! I was weak , I let my coworkers abuse me , I let my boyfriend abuse me , and I never stood up for myself. I want to continue my diet journey and exercise self control and get my life backin track. NO MORE STRESS OVER UNWORTHY PEOPLE , OR UNWORTHY THINGS . No more relationship drama, no more feeling depressed at work , focus on my weight loss and my exercise rountine , focus on my job , and be someone awesome. If you are reading this journal , there's one thing I'd like to add, I been doing yoga for the past few days , and yoga is magical !
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