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As I am recovering from the lurch upwards, the first in months actually, can't really complain about that, I am left to ponder over the last week. I have a schizoaffective bipolar subtype and it got out of control the last week. I have a four page list of coping skills to go through for how to get through the train wreck that happens, but none listed for how to cope with the insanity of cravings that comes with the moods going everywhere. The voices never help in this matter either, other than to tempt me into a world of starvation and overexercising. The world of Ed. The tips and tricks float through my mind easily. Hungry? Exercise for 15 mins? Still hungry? Exercise some more. Suck on a sugar free peppermint to kill hunger. See the pattern? It's about defeating hunger, not a craving.
The rules do not apply.
I have considered the option of treating cravings as an act of self-injury and using those coping skills, but I fear the idea of turning a craving into this frame of mind, what it means. Is a craving really a form of injury if indulged? As it is not something on the physical level will something physical break my mind from it? The only thing I can think is what I am learning in my "Feel Better Now" class that the mind has a hard time focusing on more than one thing at a time, unless you're manic. When manic my mind has kept up with six different trains of thought all running around in my head. When manic, which has been happening in the evenings, my mind is fully capable of being intent on my abstract coloring book while pounding on me with a craving.
These are cravings of the mind, not the body. The body is easy to placate. A bit of a strong flavored item here or there usually takes care of it. The mind is something else. It is powerful. It runs everything. I have been struggling since I was a toddler to combat the pulls of my own mind.
As my uncle would say, wherever I go, there I am. I need to examine my coping skills and figure out what I can apply to eating that is not dysfunctional. I know one thing I need to do is work on the logic aspect of my wise mind to override the emotional. Maybe that's the key, pumping up the wise mind to balance the logic and the emotion. The emotion can sound logical with rationalizations, but it is still emotion.
Wise mind is a start.
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