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Hi all ,
I'm back online after a long period of time (123 days to be exact )
I'm studying engineering class at a school , and I been eating a lot lately due to
stress.
I think it definitely helps to update my journal entry everyday so I know i'm not alone.
At one time I wanted to kill myself because I also want to be like other girls who get a boyfriend,
for us Chinese, it's hard to get boyfriend if we are over 110 pounds. It's this thing I think I talked about
in my previous journals , that Chinese has this extreme beauty standard ,that doesn't matter what you look like, what kind of person you are , if you are fat , no one likes you , no boyfriend for you , you'll be a loner forever.
I'm not even exaggerating things ...I hate being a Chinese , people are so critical about other people's body image , they see celebrity on Television who are 170cm tall and weight only 90 pounds and think that is what every girl should look like.
I think i'll just starve myself until I become anorexic .....because even if I die , I want to be thin once, so I get acceptance from the community and acceptance from myself .
my mind is ill , and I am depressed every single day .....I hate myself but I know my family needs me and I can't die .....it's so contradictory that on one hand I want to kill myself because I have low self-esteem , on another hand I need to live to get a job and financially support my family ..
my parents are going to retire soon , I hope to save up and buy them a house so they can live better...but I don't know if i'm strong enough to live with a body like this ...
sorry for the long post ..
please don't criticize me , i know i'm weak and i'm such a loser
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175.8 lb
Lost so far: 4.2 lb.
Still to go: 79.8 lb.
Diet followed poorly.
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gaining 0.3 lb a week
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