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Weight History
showing entries 21 to 25 of 59
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24 April 2011
I have gained 17 lbs in 4 months.
Freakin cafeteria food :(
from 114 to 131.
Back down to 128 now.
WILL get to 120 by mid-may.
Will get to 110 before the end of june.
I'm just getting serious and doing it this time.
I want ouuuuutttttt.
On a brighter note, I bought my first swimsuit top in literally 10 years LOL i used to just cover up in a tshirt.
Bought a tankini.
I like it.
:)
kbye.
Weigh-in:
128.0 lb
lost so far:
32.0 lb
still to go:
18.0 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
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gaining 0.5 lb a week
17 April 2011
I'm just tired.
I want to recover but first I need to get thin.
:/
I will.
This summer I will get myself down to 110.
Tbh though I want out of the double digits.
Maybe...
I dunno.
But I can do it, I know that much.
(2 comments)
11 April 2011
All that food and weight is doing lately is making me more and more conlficted. I couldn't even begin to explain how much it all just sucks. I just want to make up my mind for good;
I want so bad to be thin, but I want to be healthy.
And no, for me it doesn't work to be both.
I feel so guilty about my ED lately. It legit makes me feel so BAD, like I'm hurting the ones who love me by hurting myself. But whenever I feel like I've gained, I feel like a fatass failure and it makes me excessively depressed, to the point where I can't even function anymore.
I got a bloodtest done today to check where my vitamin/iron levels are at, and also to check my liver and kidneys; I'm scared as fuck for the results but I find out in 2 days.
I also have an appointment with an ED specialist on Thursday.
I am scared shitless.
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19 March 2011
I haven't been able to check my weight in about a month. I am far too scared of what that will do to me. I know I've gained some weight, I'm deffinitely no longer underweight, although realistically, I'm probably still on the lower end for my height. Regardless, exams are coming up in a couple weeks, and if i check, there's no way that that will be my main focus. So I'm resisting checking.
I have size 3 jeans, and I also have 25 (which i believe is a 0-2, depending on the brand), and i borrowed a pair of shorts from my roommate and they were a 00. So I'm trying to think in terms of clothing size instead of weight. How much smaller can you get from where I am?
... a whole lot smaller, that's how much. :/
I mentioned that I had an appointment coming up, last time I wrote an entry... I went to it, and it was motivational and whatever, and this boy that I'm seeing has been very supportive, as have my friends... but lets be honest here, I'm never going to feel good enough for myself, let alone other people. It doesn't matter how much people tell me I'm perfect how I am, as long as I don't FEEL perfect, I will not believe it.
Anyway, I've gone from about 5-7 binges/purges a day, to about 2 or so. I've been eating less, but I've been keeping more down. So that's some progress, right?
I'm determined to get better, but I'm also determined to be thin.
It's all incredibly conflicting. I'm trying to get used to feeling alive again, but before feeling alive... my body's not used to it, so it's dying of pain first. Which sucks.
I've had my period for over 2 weeks straight, WHILE on birth control. That can't be normal... anyone have any idea what's up with my body? Like I don't even understand. I figure I should probably go get it checked out. But it's incredibly painful :/
Anyway, those are my updates.
I have another counselling appointment on Monday. Let's see how that goes. Tbh, I feel another relapse coming on.
(2 comments)
13 February 2011
I swear I am out of control.
My life has become a series of neverending binges and purging sessions.
It disgusts me.
I disgust me.
God, I need to get my act together.
I have a counselling session tommorow.
I don't even feel like I deserve it anymore... :/
(4 comments)
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