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05 June 2011

12 May 2011

Jealousy - The Green Eyed Monster

I learned today that a childhood friend of mine who i still see around has just undergone a Gastric Bypass Surgery. This friend is 125 kgs currently, which is the weight i was before i started working out and eating right.

Now while i do feel happy for him, i am recognizing that a part of myself feels resentful. Why does he get the easy way out ? (i am by no means implying that a GBP is easy, its an operation and therefore carries risks and its own issues). I have to watch what i eat constantly, count calories, forgo the fattening stuff and work my butt off at the gym. He on the other hand will have to do in my mind close to nothing. His appetite has shrunk, he can eat whatever he wants until he is full (or feels full due to reduced stomach capacity). According to him, the rate of loss is supposed to be about 1 kg a day... 1KG A DAY !! I am lucky if i get a KG a week. This is going to sound like major sour grapes but ....Its not fair ! He will theoretically lose in 3 months what is has taken me a year to do(okay i am done whining)

I know its better to do it naturally, the long-term benefits of healthy eating and exercise are good cultivated habits that will last a lifetime and such. But imagine being the weight you have always dreamed about with no diet, no exercise and eating whatever whenever...in three months or so to boot...Honestly it sounds too good to be true. Would i ever go under the knife and get a GBP surgery ? i asked myself this long and hard because the option to do so is still open to me.

I finally decided i won't because this past year although it has been so tough and even painful at times it has been one of the most educational times in my life. I have grown as a person, learnt so much about myself. I have challenged myself to try new things and i have pushed my limits constantly that i am forced every time to redefine the boundaries of what i thought i possible until i have realized there are none.

During the process of weightloss and a lifestyle change it is too easy to get fixated on a number on the weighing machine and becoming obsessed with just losing and working towards the next weight target that often you miss out on the best part which is the Journey. Its not about just reaching a goal weight anymore its more about living and enjoying the process and learning new things about yourself everyday.

So despite being plagued by a short bout of jealousy, i would not have done my lifestyle change any other way. It may take me another year to get to my goal weight but i am looking forward to all the things i am going to gain and learn along the way.

Do tell me what you think :)

04 May 2011

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30 April 2011

Heartbreak

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years almost. Last night he told me he did something unspeakable. He has done this before but to lesser degrees and promised never to do it again each time and i forgave him. He always confesses immediately after as our relationship was a very honest one. He has met my parents, who adore him and we were sure we were going to spend our lives together.

You know when you reach a certain level of comfort with someone ? they know everything about you and you know everything about them and you accept and even grow to love their flaws ? He adored me and called me beautiful even when i felt like crap.

It's all over now and at 22 this is my first heartbreak. He was my first boyfriend and man does this feeling suck. I can understand why the traditional cure for heartbreak is food. My kingdom for a pint of Ben and Jerry's / a box of Godiva chocolates or something comforting like a deep dish lasagna with beef, soothing tomato base and tons of warm melty cheese. Or as i would like to call it "the campaign to turn the hole in my heart into an artery blockage".

I have ways to deal with emotions so i don't eat them but boy i am really out of my league here. This is a whole new world of emotion and hurt i honestly don't know how to deal with. Any advice would honestly be appreciated.

In the meantime i am going to throw myself in exercise . . . off to train for my 5k. Thanks for listing to my love lorn rant everyone.





25 April 2011

I am almost at the completion of phase one. In a matter of a day or two i will be under 200 pounds for the first time in years. I am excited because this is the smallest i've ever been in a really long time.

There is another part of me though that i call the Critic, which is a little voice telling me its not good enough, there is no difference, no matter what i will aways have the web of stretch marks covering my body or im going to have saggy skin around my tummy,arms and thighs and therefore will always look hideous. I won't be able to maintain the weight and will probably gain it all back.

The voice of the Critic has served me in many ways, it has pushed me to be stronger, do better, work harder but it's also the part that is presently killing my self esteem. Low self esteem for me snowballs into unhappiness, dissatisfaction with self and finally self-loathing. The main issue is that when i am in a spiral of self-hate, it feels like i can't do anything to affect my outward self, so why bother or try to exercise or eat healthy ? Healthy eating and exercising are in my mind a higher form of self-love. I love myself enough that i desire to take care of myself and heal my body. Self-loathing kinda topples that over.

My challenge for the week is to mute the Critic. No i am not going to bury it because it pushes me to do and succeed in things i thought i could never do, but different situations call for a different set of mental tools. This weeks tools is all about Love. Looking at all the perceived flaws and recognizing the real beauty it is.

My stretch marks, yes they may cover my arms, sides, thighs, shoulders and tummy like web work but now i would like to look at them like my warpaint or my battle scars. Each one created at a difficult point in my life which i have pulled through. They are a testament to my ability to pull through anything, whenever i look at them from now on they will remind me of how strong i really am and how i can face anything that comes my way.

Whats your beautiful imperfection ?

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