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Weight History
showing entries 6 to 10 of 11
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16 July 2009
One week ago...
... I weighed eight pounds more than I do today.
... I paid no attention to what I was eating, or how much.
... I was drinking two high-calorie coffee drinks a day.
... I was not doing any conscious exercise.
... I thought I would be fat forever.
... I thought it was okay to eat the vending machine Zingers today, because I didn't eat them yesterday.
... I assumed my weight wasn't affecting my life.
... I figured I was always fat, so I would always be fat and that was just who I was.
... I was drinking no more than 1 or 2 glasses of water a day, if that.
... I was having some trouble sleeping.
... I was ruled by negative thoughts - that I am not capable of being anything or anyone other than what I was at that moment, and what I was at that moment was fat and miserable and sad.
Today...
... I drink 6 - 8 glasses of water a day.
... I make a conscious effort to take at least a 20 minute walk each day.
... I plan what I will eat, and keep track of all of it.
... I pick healthier foods, more fruit, more veggies, less sugar.
... I feel like I can actually change my body to be more like what I imagine I can be.
... I feel like my mindset about being healthy is real and for the moment, permanent.
... I am beginning to like who I am, and who I will become.
Sometimes, I have doubts. Can I really do this? What if I mess up? What if I slip back into old habits? Am I capable of change? These nagging questions are like gnats buzzing around me. They are irritating and distracting and, like gnats, must be swatted away and I must keep moving through them. Eventually, I will get past the swarm and be in the clear. Keep swatting... keep moving forward.
This is a journey. Each step is movement towards the ultimate goal. Each step is meaningful, and important, and necessary. It is impossible to take a 100-step journey and not take each and every step. Some steps, like my progress this first week, seem enormous and inspiring. But I have to keep in mind that later steps will be smaller, or will be harder, or will be more challenging. Even though they won't propel me as far, they will be no less important and meaningful. Every step is a step in the right direction.
I am the same person I was one week ago, but I am starting to think that maybe I am not exactly the same and won't be the same... I am not what I was one week ago. I like what I have done in the last week, and like what it represents, and like what it may turn in to.
For the first time in a long time, I think I like what I am becoming.
Weigh-in:
227.0 lb
lost so far:
8.0 lb
still to go:
42.0 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
(1 comment)
losing 7.0 lb a week
15 July 2009
I got on the scale yesterday morning and weighed 231. This morning I couldn't resist, and the scale said 228. I don't know what to think, other than I'm so excited to finally be doing something that is working. I don't feel deprived in the least, I'm loving cooking dinner in the evenings, I love counting points - I even have an iPhone app that helps me do that through the day - and I feel really good.
The husband and I are still struggling a bit. He's totally disinterested in sex as of late, which doesn't do anything for my self-image. However, for a change I've resolved not to dwell on that - I'm doing what I can to improve myself, for myself, and that is all I can do. As long as I can get through the day not regretting some stupid food choice, I can't help but bring happiness along with me where I go.
Anyway - I can't believe that scale! I really need to limit my weigh-ins, but right now, it's just too irresistible!
Weigh-in:
228.0 lb
lost so far:
7.0 lb
still to go:
43.0 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
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losing 21.0 lb a week
14 July 2009
From July 13th, 2009:
I made it through the weekend. On Friday, I began looking at the Weight Watchers system. I've never looked at it before, and it made a good deal of sense to me. So I did a bunch of research and am attempting to use their system for a couple of weeks before I kick out the money to join.
My husband and I are still a bit tense, which is understandable. At first, I was so angry, and frustrated. But that doesn't help anyone, so made a conscious decision to let it go. Forgive, but not forget, as they say. However, this whole incident has brought out some of the things in our relationship that aren't exactly perfect. For anyone into Myers-Briggs personality types, he is an INTJ and I am an ESFJ. What this means is that he is logical, rational and likes to try to figure stuff out and fix stuff. He loves to point out flaws in systems, whether it's a computer program he is working on, or the steps I take in the morning to get ready. He is all about reason and efficiency. I, on the other hand, am emotional. I need affirmation that I am loved and cared for, and that what I am doing is right. Maybe you can see how we work (or don't work) together. I've told him recently that I need him to be more affectionate - since he had an affair, I need to know that I am loved and wanted by him more than ever. He doesn't get that - he doesn't understand how telling me he loves me 10 times a day makes any difference at all. But it does. I don't know why -I'm not logical and rational.
This morning, he was in a foul mood. We had a couple of drinks late last evening, and whenever I drink alcohol close to bedtime I end up having to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Of course, I had to get up at around 2, and that woke him up. He then couldn't get back to sleep because I snore really loudly. The snoring is caused by drinking before bed, and also because of my weight. I am working on my weight, and told him I am not going to drink before bed, but I don't know if that is enough. I even mentioned sleeping in another room, but I really don't want to do that, especially given our recent troubles. I don't know what to do on this point. He has earplugs, and says that they help, but he doesn't put them in until he's at his wit's end. My snoring seems like one more thing for him to dislike me for. And because of my personality type, I wish he would temper his criticism with some caring words. Because of his, he sees adding caring words as unnecessary and not meaningful.
Anyway, it's been a tough week or so. I'm trying really, really hard to not be bothered by the aspects of his personality that he can't control (but at the same time, I really wish he'd try a bit harder). Through all of this, I've actually been sticking to an eating plan that feels good - it feels like it's working for me. I've been drinking lots more water, and going for walks at work on breaks. We've been spending a more time outside at the dog park, so that's more walking.
I'm going to try to put a menu together for this week that we can both enjoy. This won't be easy, as he is underweight and trying to gain, and I am obviously trying to lose. He also can't eat much dairy, so stuff like low-fat cheese and yogurt has to be kept to a minimum.
Gah. This is hard. It's times like this I wish I were religious so I could put all the burden I am feeling on to someone else. But I'm not a religious person, and know that things will eventually get better, if I work at it hard enough. So far, I am doing a good job. It's working for me this time, because I'm working harder than ever before.
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14 July 2009
From July 9th, 2009
Today is first day of the next phase of my life.
I've been overweight for much of my life, and while I've always known I need to lose weight, I never really made it a priority. Heck, I never even made it a option. Maybe I'll wake up some morning and be thinner and fit, right? Right.
I've spent so many nights lying in bed telling myself that I am fat and need to lose weight and get more exercise. I'll start tomorrow, I say, as if telling myself for the 200th time is going to make any more difference than the last 199 times. I tell myself that the latte I'm drinking isn't that bad for me, since it's got skim milk. That the enormous plate of pasta with olive oil and butter isn't bad because I didn't eat much of anything else all day. That because I parked at the far side of the parking lot today means I did exercise. I have lied and lied and lied to myself so much that I had convinced myself that I'm really trying and that maybe being this overweight isn't all THAT bad. But it is all that bad.
I am 33 years old, am 5'5 and weigh 235 lbs. I don't eat well. I don't exercise. I am depressed a good deal of the time and three days ago, my husband of 7 years, who I have been with since I was a teenager, told me that he slept with his old high school girlfriend one month ago after they reconnected on Facebook.
It's time I do something to change my life. I have to. "Things fall apart. The center cannot hold."
This is the first day of the next phase of my life.
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14 July 2009
Weigh-in:
231.0 lb
lost so far:
4.0 lb
still to go:
46.0 lb
Diet followed N/A
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losing 5.6 lb a week
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